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Widowed Dad Irate After Girlfriend Makes His Daughter Wash Off ‘Provocative’ Makeup Before Party

A young woman applies make-up in the mirror
Eva-Katalin/Getty Images

Dating while being a single parent isn’t easy.

Finding the right balance of how to deal with kids and your partner can go a lot of ways.

Case in point…

Redditor throwwra__fix399 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for telling my girlfriend she’s not allowed to tell my daughter what to do?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years, but she only moved in with me six months ago.”

“I’m a widower, so I wanted to make sure that our relationship was serious before I was ok with her moving in with me and my daughter.”

“Generally they get along pretty well.”

“I told my girlfriend at the very beginning of our relationship that I wasn’t looking for a step mum for my daughter, she’s old enough that she doesn’t need a ‘new mom.'”

“Last weekend I went camping with one of my mates for two days, and my girlfriend stayed home with my daughter.”

“I knew my daughter was going to a party on Saturday and I already agreed to it.”

“But when I came back from my camping trip my daughter complained that my girlfriend told her she had to wash her makeup off and do one that’s less ‘provocative’ before she could leave the house.”

“I got angry at my g[irl]f[riend] and told her she wasn’t allowed to order my daughter around, and she wasn’t allowed to prevent her from doing anything that I already agreed to.”

“We had a huge fight, and since then we barely talked.”

“My daughter is 16.”

“She doesn’t need a babysitter, and my girlfriend isn’t my daughter’s step mum or guardian.”

“She’s my girlfriend, that’s it.”

“AITA in this situation?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA. Your GF seriously overstepped the boundaries.”

“It was none of her business.”

“On top of that, her makeup was ‘provocative?'”

“I’m a 50+ mother of a 16 young woman, and while I don’t always like my kiddo’s makeup, that’s a personal preference.”

“So I compliment it, or not, as the spirit moves me.”

“Long gone are the days that “lipstick is for ‘fallen women!'”  ~ Accurate_Quote_7109

“Exactly! It’s not that hard to say something like ‘It looks like you put a lot of time into that look’ with genuine kindness, even when I don’t like the way it turned out.”

“Because it’s not about me.”

“OP: NTA, and may be time to have a talk with your GF reinforcing boundaries and expectations.” ~ Xanthina

“NTA. My boyfriend has lived with me for more than 3 years now and wouldn’t even think of telling my 16-year-old daughter something like that.”

“He has been good for giving rides or helping her with computer issues, but anything even remotely close to parenting he hands to me.”

“At most, he would have let me know what was happening so I could deal with it if I needed to.”  ~ vomitthewords

“I agree NTA.”

“However I do think there is some nuance here.”

“I’m a stepmom, the kids have both parents in their lives and are 50/50 with each.”

“I am not their mom.”

“I will never fill that role.”

“It’s filled by their bio mom.”

“However, they are still minors who I share a household with.”

“As a result, I do feel somewhat responsible for them, and I do care about them.”

“My stepdaughter is 9.”

“They started wearing makeup to school.”

“I was shocked.”

“9 seems so young for makeup.”

“But I didn’t call them any type of gendered slur, or otherwise shame them.”

“I spoke privately with their father and brought it to his attention.”

“He spoke with their bio mom, and they both agreed 9 is too young for makeup at school.”

“At sleepovers to play around with it is fine.”

“Wearing it at home for fun on the weekend is fine.”

“But not to school yet.”

“So unless the children or someone else are in actual physical danger, I take my concerns to their father who talks with their mom about it, and they reach a decision.”

“Makeup is not a physical danger situation.”

“If OP was concerned, at 16 you just let the daughter go out for the night.”

“And then separately, privately talk to the father.”

“Now I wouldn’t call makeup ‘provocative,’ but if I felt like my 16-year-old stepchild wasn’t wearing makeup well, I’d suggest maybe we go to [Makeup Store] together and get a makeup lesson and buy new products.”

“Of course, I’d suggest it to their father first and make sure he was ok with it.”

“But I’d do this really only if the makeup was poorly applied (foundation didn’t match the child’s skin tone and they left an obvious orange line on their chin/neck, for example).”

“So I think it’s ok to have some concerns about a minor living in your home when you’re not their parent.”

“But you don’t shame them as OP did, and unless it’s a danger of physical harm, you take concerns to their parent in private.” ~ alana_r_dray

OP came back with an update…

“Firstly I just want to say that I didn’t expect my post to blow up the way it did.”

“I read through all of the comments, despite there being so many and I really appreciate everyone’s input.”

“Unfortunately this update is not exactly a happy one.”

“The day after my post I tried to have a serious lengthy discussion about boundaries and our relationship in general just like many of you suggested.”

“But the discussion got pretty heated, and she said that the reason she asked my daughter to wash her makeup off is that she looked like a ‘sl*t.'”

“For me, that was just too much.”

“I asked her to leave my house, and by the evening she moved out.”

“Right now I don’t know if I did the right thing or not because I truly love my girlfriend, but I just couldn’t let anyone talk that way about my daughter.”

“Since she moved out we haven’t talked at all other than her texting me saying she’ll pick up the rest of her things next week.”

“So again I appreciate everyone that commented on my original post, seems like I’ll have to remain a single dad for a bit longer.”

Reddit commended him for the way he handled the situation.

“Sorry, I know it’s not happy for you, but as an objective reader, I consider this a good outcome.”

“It’s very not cool that your girlfriend accused your daughter of trying to look sl*tty, so I’m happy knowing that your daughter has a good dad who’ll choose her over his love life.”

“Thanks, and good luck finding a better girlfriend.” ~ nightforday

“Please don’t doubt your decision here – 16 is a tender age between childhood and ‘adulthood,’ and I remember how harshly I was treated by my parents then for similar ‘crimes’ (quite a few years ago now).”

“Your daughter will never forget you backing her up now, as I’ll never forget my own parents damning me.”

“You did good here, OP.”  ~ NeonCityStars

“It must be rough because you care for your gf but you did good.”

“No one, absolutely no one has the right to shame a child.”

“Reddit is filled with children who are estranged from their parent because the parent turned a blind eye/ear to the emotional abuse their children have to endure from the new relationship that their parent gets into.”

“Great that you navigated this in the best interest of your child.”

“The least that one should expect from a new partner is being tolerant, nonjudgmental, and respectful towards your child.”

“Best wishes to you and your daughter.”  ~ Haunting-Row-3961

“I’m sorry it didn’t go well, but I love that you keep your daughter 1st in everything.”

“Also for your gf to say ‘she looked like a sl*t’. What The Hell does that even mean???”

“Especially in this day and age when make has become as advanced as it has.”

“She sounded a little bitter and jealous.”  ~_bambi8

One Redditor had a difference of opinion.

“I don’t know how your daughter looked, and neither do you.”

“I have a grandniece who used to dress sl*tty (too much makeup, too tight/too short clothes, etc), would not listen to anyone, and became a single mom at 18-19.”

“Her mother (my niece) is trashy, has been in prison numerous times, has 5 kids from 3 baby daddies, and goes through men like Kleenex (I don’t know how many times she’s been married), does not listen to anyone.”

“When I was about 16, my father made me take off my cut-off shorts (that even I knew were too short), and he cut them up.”

“My self-esteem is just fine, thank you very much.”

“While you think you are teaching your daughter that ‘anything goes’ with her appearance, you are also teaching her that it is okay to throw away a long-term relationship because of one fairly simple disagreement.”

“And you are teaching her not to get involved when someone she loves could be headed for trouble (you were a 16-year-old boy once; you know how they think and act).”

“Unless your ex was bullying your daughter in your absence, it sounds to me as if she had your daughter’s best interests in mind.”  ~ Kathys_Clown

OP responded…

“Firstly I do know how she looks when she goes out.”

“And trust me, clothing doesn’t make you a single parent, poor choices do.”

“I became a father at 17, and my then girlfriend was a typical tomboy.”

“It wasn’t her appearance that caused the pregnancy, it was my stupidity.”

“And that’s something that I am teaching my daughter, not that she can’t wear skirts.” 

Well OP, this is quite a situation.

It seems like Reddit is with you.

But you’re a good dad no matter what.

Good luck going forward with your daughter.