Sometimes, family can be cruel.
When a person’s personal trauma is used as comedy, it often feels like being re-traumatized.
Hurt feelings are hurt feelings, and they deserve respect.
A husband found himself in a person dilemma regarding his M[other]-I[n}-L[aw]’s insensitivity toward his past trauma; so he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
The since-deleted Redditor asked:
“AITAH for refusing to let my MIL borrow our car after she spent hours mocking my childhood trauma?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (32 M[ale]) have been married to my wife (33 F[emale]) for 2 years.”
“I’ve always been pretty neutral toward her family; not super close, but no major issues either.”
“That changed about a week ago at my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]’s party.”
“My in-laws decided to make a ‘joke’ about my childhood.”
“For context, I’ve been open about the fact that my family was very mentally abusive when I was younger.”
“My MIL and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] thought it would be funny to make comments about it, and they didn’t stop.”
“They kept it going for most of the party (like 2–3 hours).”
“I was really upset afterward and told my wife how uncomfortable and hurt I was.”
“She was just as offended and said she’d talk to them as well.”
“Fast forward three days, my MIL crashes their car. “
“They don’t have coverage for a rental, so they ask me and my wife if they can borrow her car (MIL is on her insurance).”
“We said we’d think about it, but I told my wife I really didn’t want to lend it to them after what happened.”
“I still felt disrespected and honestly didn’t trust them with the car either.”
“While we were arguing about it, they showed up at our house.”
“My MIL immediately blew up at me, saying I ‘shouldn’t get so offended over a joke.”’
“My FIL was more understanding and apologized, but MIL was having none of it.”
“A few hours later, my MIL started posting about me online, claiming I refused to help her ‘for no reason.”’
“Now my in-laws are all blowing up my phone, calling me a terrible person.”
“I don’t see how I’m in the wrong here.”
“They made fun of something really personal and painful to me, and then MIL wrecked her car, which honestly makes me even less willing to lend her ours.”
“Obviously, my wife gets the final say, but she should consider what her mother did to me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“My MIL immediately blew up at me, saying I ‘shouldn’t get so offended over a joke.'”
“Ask her to explain the ‘joke.'”
“Ask her why it was funny.”
“Ask her to really get in depth about what she finds so hilarious about childhood abuse.”
“You are not the a**hole here.”
“I wouldn’t let people who mocked my trauma borrow a cup of sugar, let alone a car.” ~ destro23
“Sorry, but people like this a**hole aren’t worth asking them why they think it’s funny.”
“Your wife should have IMMEDIATELY SHUT THEM DOWN!”
“SHE DID NOT!”
“She grew up with this s**t.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
“I send you love.” ~ kcsews
“Especially after she posted her lies online to other relatives?”
“I would say to her that I was considering lending our car until I saw what you wrote online about me.”
“That should shut down her big mouth!”
“Also, your wife should have had your back!”
“My husband didn’t have my back against his mom for 22 years until I was finally fed up and told him I’m leaving unless he puts his relatives in their place.”
“He finally did.” ~ Parking-Shower9606
“NTA, though I don’t understand why your wife just sat there as they made fun of you for three hours.”
“You should have both gotten up and left.” ~ cassowary32
“NTAH. If you and your wife loan your vehicle out to your mother-in-law after her disgusting behavior, you guys will essentially be rewarding her for her s*** behavior.”
“She truly needs to learn that you can’t s**t all over people and expect to be rewarded afterwards.”
“I really and truly hope that your wife realizes this and puts her foot down against her mother borrowing the vehicle.”
“Good luck to you guys.” ~ Jovon35
“NTA-You say your wife has final say, but let her know it comes with consequences.”
“You don’t have to take up the slack for your wife giving up her mode of transportation.”
“She can walk and take whatever public transport.”
“You will also not be paying for Uber or Lyft for her either. MIL needs to get over herself.”
“As for the other family members.”
“There are already enough comments on how to handle them.” ~ Victor-Grimm
“NTA. If her post is still up, go make a comment.”
“Let people know that you won’t condone people making jokes about other people’s trauma.”
“You don’t have to explain any further than that.” ~ RevolutionaryDiet686
“Three separate issues here.”
“1- MIL cannot be trusted with borrowing a car.”
“Not only did she crash her own, but she was negligent in the insurance coverage.”
“Now she wants others to effectively pay for her own negligence rather than just renting a vehicle on her own dime or borrowing her husband’s vehicle.”
“2- You have a Wife Problem.”
“Whatever mean and stupid things your in-laws were saying, your wife should have shut them down immediately and firmly.”
“What the heck was she doing that she wouldn’t stand up for her spouse?”
“Especially about something she knows traumatized you?”
“3-Honestly, OP, why did YOU sit around accepting verbal abuse for hours?”
“Why didn’t you get up and go home?”
“Gently and kindly, please consider further therapy to deal with your feelings of powerlessness and passivity toward this vile behavior.”
“NTA about refusing to lend the car.”
“No one has any right to demand your stuff.”
“They can ask, and the answer can be No.” ~ MistySky1999
“NTA and feel free to block them.”
“Let your wife know they are no longer welcome in your home.” ~ javel1
“NTA. They crashed the car, not you.”
“They are the ones not have rental coverage, or are willing to pay.”
“Not you.”
“So even if she didn’t make ‘jokes,’ it would be totally fine for you to say no.”
“They can’t accept having your car.”
“On top of that, she treats you poorly.”
“So you have even less reason to want to let them borrow your car.” ~ EmbarrassedMarch5103
“NTA, time to dish out some of what was served to you.”
“Laugh when they ask to borrow the car.”
“Ask them if it is a joke because it is funny to you that they think they can talk to you, and about you, like they did, then turn around and expect you to be nice and loan them a car.”
“Just keep laughing at them.”
“This is not a decision you should put on your wife; you should be making this decision together because this is an expensive item that both of you share financial responsibility for.”
“You already know that if something happens to her car while they borrow it, they can’t and won’t be able to get hers fixed before they get theirs fixed, and you and your wife will gain another unexpected large financial burden.” ~ different-take4u
“NTA. So she’s a bully and expects to get away with it?”
“This and her behavior after your conflict only make it easier to go no contact.”
“She just took it up a notch and bullied you online, too!”
“I would put a story up as well, about how making fun of someone’s childhood trauma is borderline crazy, and you will never let anyone abuse you again.”
“Then block everyone who talks crap about you.”
“A real family would always check your side of the story, and from what I understand, nobody in the family is doing that.”
“You can’t forbid your wife from seeing her, but you can choose not to be around toxic people.”
“And most definitely don’t let her borrow your car!”
“Your wife also should take a stand and back you up!” ~ Kylou8
“NTA. The ‘reason’ is she’s a financially irresponsible, untrustworthy, terrible driver, and you’re not crazy enough to lend a car to an idiot who doesn’t realize how that’s a problem.”
“The fact that she’s offensively hateful in her other actions is just why you’re not cutting her any slack.” ~ Practical-Load-4007
“NTA… you don’t need a reason not to lend out your car.”
“I don’t lend my car to anyone; it might be easier just to talk to your wife and make the same rule, that way you aren’t singling out her mother.” ~ Timely_Train_4357
After doing some reading, OP had thoughts to share…
“I’m gonna speak to my wife tomorrow, after reading some comments, and ask why she never tried to defend me.”
“Will update ASAP!”
“I’ve been reading more of the comments…”
“Some people are asking what type of jokes…”
“They brought up the abuse, laughed at it, and then said things like, ‘Oh, he was probably just being too sensitive,’ ‘Can’t even make a light joke around him,’ and things like it.”
“People have been asking why I didn’t stand up for myself, and the main couple of reasons are stress, and her extended family has always had an unwarranted hatred towards me.”
“And people have been talking about my wife and how she hadn’t defended me, and I didn’t think about that until now, and I’ll bring it up in my conversation tomorrow.”
You were put in a terrible situation, OP.
Hopefully, your wife will land on your side.
Try not to dwell on their hurtful behavior.
Good Luck.