Finding out you’re about to be a parent can be shocking and stressful, even when the news is happy and expected. There are lots of ways people process big news, but do any of them make you an a-hole?
Reddit user QuickVillage546 turned to the AITA (“Am I The A**hole?”) subReddit after his reaction to his wife’s planned pregnancy didn’t exactly go over well.
“AITA for going to stay at my parent’s cabin for a few days after my wife told me she was pregnant?”
Before we get into his story (or Reddit giving him exactly what he asked for) let’s talk about how the subReddit works.
The original poster (OP) tells their story as a post. The comments are filled with other users casting votes on whether the OP was the bad guy in the situation.
Voting Options Are:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
So let’s get to his tale.
“I don’t think I am [the a**hole] but she does.”
“This was a planned pregnancy, so it wasn’t unexpected, but it’s still big news. I’d already been experiencing a lot of anxiety about parenthood and have for some time.”
“I’ve even had some performance anxiety because of it. When she told me she was pregnant it kicked into overdrive.”
“I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, but more than that I felt like I just needed to get away – away from her and the situation and to have some time to think about it.”
“I ended up going to stay at my parents’ cabin for a few days, and I think it helped. When I came back I felt more relaxed and not as anxious. I also had time to really think about the pregnancy and come to terms with it.”
“My wife now says that I shouldn’t have gone and should have stayed at home to support her. She doesn’t feel like what I did was fair since she also has fears and anxieties and she thinks prioritized my mental wellbeing over hers and the baby.”
“I think that’s an extreme reaction since I only was gone a few days, kept in constant contact with her, and came back in a much better state. I can understand why my reaction was probably not what she wanted, but she did tell me that she wouldn’t object if I felt like I needed a few days to process things.”
“What I did doesn’t seem like something that would make me the a**hole. I don’t really think my wife is one either.”
“Unless it would be for telling me it was okay to go away and then changing her mind? So I am here asking if anything that happened makes either of us the asshole.”
Reddit absolutely had some thoughts on this one.
“Nope. Absolutely not. You do not get to act like this.”
“This was a planned pregnancy, which means you both agreed to it and actively worked to achieve it. The second you signed on for unprotected sex, you accepted that your well-being is now second place.”
“You’re stressed? You’re anxious? How do you think your wife feels?”
“She has a literal human being growing inside of her that is dependent on her for everything and will be dependent on her for a lot of things after it’s out. This isn’t some sort of an abstract for her, it is happening to her literal body and her literal life.”
“And you, the person who agreed to take this journey with her and was an equal contributor to getting it started walked out at the very beginning.”
“How is your wife supposed to trust you now? How can she believe that you’re not gonna walk out when the baby’s screaming or your child is sick or struggling with school or having disciplinary issues?”
“How can she ever expect or know that you will really and truly stick around when things get hard? Do you understand the element of instability you have now introduced into your wife’s life?”
“You don’t get to do that.”
“You have issues? Fine. See a shrink. But you don’t get to do this.”
“You very likely undermined the very foundation of your marriage.”
“You owe your wife an enormous apology. You acknowledge that you are deeply wrong and that while you have concerns, you addressed them in exactly the wrong way.”
“Find yourself a therapist if you have stuff to deal with. YTA” – kindlefan12
“YTA. I hope your wife takes a few days to herself to decide if she wants to be with you.”
“I hope she leaves you to process your feelings alone. Because why would you possibly deal with something hard together?”
“She should take care of herself, and then you should just deal with it all alone. As long as she comes back calmer, it’s all fine, right?”
“Geez. I feel so bad for your wife.” – crystallz2000
“Wow YTA. ‘Gather his thoughts’ and ‘come to terms’ with a PLANNED PREGNANCY.”
“I don’t have the words to describe how angry I’d be if my husband decided to f*ck off and have to basically talk himself off of a ledge and come to terms with a baby he willingly planned for and helped create. Divorce would definitely be forefront on my mind.”
“What he should have done was opened up to her about his fears and let her do the same. And then maybe taken space within the house after reassuring her that this was great news.”
“Not gone f*cking off to a cabin for several days to ‘come to terms’ with this thing they both wanted, as though it was a terrible mistake and he needed to talk himself into it.”
“Even if he doesn’t think it’s a terrible mistake, I guarantee his wife believes he thinks it is after this.” – macaroniandmilk
“You don’t get to just leave your life and responsibilities when you’re anxious. You should’ve spent all the time discussing with your wife whether you should have a baby, to process the fact you were going to have a baby.”
“That’s what planning a pregnancy is. Coming to terms with having a baby.”
“It became real the first time you had unprotected sex. If you think you get to just walk away for days when the baby is actually born and crying at 3 in the morning because you’re anxious, don’t act surprised when your wife leaves you. YTA.” – mercumorr
“YT Biggest A. Do you realise what you’ve probably ruined for your wife?”
“Not only did you just undermine your marriage and make it clear she can’t trust you and that you’re not actually a partner; you ruined an incredibly special moment!”
“I promise you she thought over and again about how to tell you that she was pregnant. She daydreamed about telling you that what you both wanted was happening and it was supposed to be this incredibly happy moment of joy for you both.”
“You ruined that for her. She’s never ever going to be able to think about the moment of telling you about the existence of your child without that moment including that you ran away.”
“And there’s no way for you to fix that.”
“You took what would have been one of the best moments of her life and you dumped all over it. She can’t ever get that back.” – kindlefan12
“YTA. How does one need to come to terms with a planned pregnancy?”
“Your wife is pregnant. Not you.”
“Women’s bodies change drastically when they’re pregnant. They worry about feeling undesirable, their body never being the same, the health issues that come along with being pregnant etc and that’s just the beginning.”
“All you have to do is be there for her while she’s pregnant with YOUR child. If I was her, I’d be seriously concerned you were going to leave her to cope alone every time a big event comes around.” – cajun-ish
Hopefully the father-to-be finds the assistance he needs before his child is born.