When getting married, it’s a common assumption that immediate family will be involved in the process. It’s a whole ceremony to unite two families.
Redditor throwaway639786 has a slightly different issue. The original poster (OP) is Chinese, and her family has some issues involving race.
OP isn’t sure if she’s right to exclude her step-dad and sister from the event, and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) about her situation.
Would you abide banning family for their remarks?
“AITA for banning my sister and step-father from my wedding?”
What could possibly make her decide to do this?
“My (24F[emale]) parents divorced when I was 8. Both my parents are Chinese-born, I was born in the US, but I speak my family’s dialect alongside English and I like my culture.”
“My mom remarried a white guy after the divorce and it’s . . . not awesome.”
“I didn’t understand exactly what was going on when I was young, but he obviously fetishizes my mom while being really negative and insensitive about her background and culture and I don’t know why she puts up with him.”
“I went to live with my dad shortly after they married for a lot of reasons. My dad remarried a really nice lady from his home town and she’s basically mom #2 as far as I’m concerned.”
“My mom and step-father had a daughter (15F) that I feel sorry for while also being really annoyed by her. She’s gotten the worst of both worlds, the fetishy racist stuff from her dad and the half-white baby fad stuff from our mom, so she’s incredibly spoiled and also really self-hating at the same time without realizing it.”
“She brags about not having ‘slant eyes’ like me and makes gagging sounds anytime I visit and make or take my mom out for food from her home province (because that’s the only time my mom gets to eat her favorites, because the rest of the family only likes American or Americanized Chinese food).”
“It’s sad and cringy, but I’ve stopped trying to talk to her about it as it doesn’t do any good.”
“I’m getting married to my fiancé later this year when Covid has hopefully died down and he comes from a similar background. We’re having a traditional wedding and banquet here so we’re arranging to fly in grandparents and such so as much of the close family can be there as possible.”
“Everyone is happy and excited about a rare chance to all get together. I want my mom there, but I don’t want my step-family and sister to come. They won’t appreciate it and they will probably offend my relatives and ruin the mood.”
“I talked to my mom and she understands, but is sad my sister will be excluded. She admits my sister probably wouldn’t enjoy or even try the food and won’t get much out of it because of language barriers.”
“We planned to arrange a smaller party with the relatives coming from her side before the wedding and my mom would attend the day of.”
“My sister had a fit when I told her. She had just kind of assumed I would have a western type wedding and she would be a bridesmaid which she was looking forward to.”
“I tried to let her down easy and said we could pick her out a nice dress and get hair and nails done together for the family party, but she said some unrepeatable stuff and isn’t talking to me or my mom (for going when she can’t).”
“My step-father called and chewed me out for upsetting her and said he wouldn’t let my mom come and we could stuff the party because he didn’t want to meet a lot of ‘ch*nks’ anyway.”
“I feel bad for my sister, she’s 15 and a lot of this isn’t her fault. I still don’t want her causing a scene at my wedding.”
Redditors judged whether OP was wrong to disinvite her sister and step-father by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The commenters discussed the issue with inviting people who’ve said such racist things as the step-dad, and the internalized view the sister has of herself. If OP invited them, she’d be worried about the scene they might cause the entire time.
In the end, it was determined that OP was NTA.
“NTA – your sister is stuck in the middle and likely doesn’t realize the damage happening – however her behavior, which is supported by BOTH parents, will cause far more drama than anyone wants/needs at a wedding.”
“It’s your wedding, you invite whoever you please. Have the family party and if your mom and her family can join, great, otherwise go on without them.”
“I am sorry OP, this sounds heartbreaking.” – No-Policy-4095
“NTA at all, they sound incredibly terrible, and you wouldn’t want them to probably ruin your wedding. If your mom can attend despite her awful husband, then good.”
“If not, then don’t feel guilty, she made these choices herself, she is grown up and capable of getting a divorce.” – Helene1370
“NTA-Your step-father is racist and ,I’m sorry, your sister is too.”
“Even If you think it’s not her fault she still can hurt and be awful with you and your extended family and neither of you deserve that on such an especial day.”
“If she can’t behave, she can’t go. Don’t feel bad. I hope your mom can come and you have a dream wedding!” – Kooky-Today-3172
“NTA. If they don’t respect your culture and say racist or insensitive stuff you have every right to not want them around.”
“It’s your wedding day and you’ll be under enough stress without having to worry about criticism or scenes from family members.” – TinyRascalSaurus
Some commenters were very focused on the younger sister, and the possibility that she might be able to learn better, but mostly agreed it was better to exclude her now.
“Twenty years ago I might have given the sister a pass, but there’s no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing in racist. Teenagers today are hyperaware of racism.” – Trini1113
“Idk, I feel bad for the sister. She’s probably trying to overcompensate because she knows she’s 50% something her dad is totally prejudiced against.”
“That has to be so confusing and horrible for her self worth. I’m sure she has a lot of internalized racism that she doesn’t know how to deal with.”
“That being said, no matter why she acts the way she does, making a scene is still making a scene, so her behavior still isn’t ok.” – cooties_and_chaos
“NTA. This is your day and you get to decide who has the privilege of attending.”
“I will say that I feel bad for your sister as well – 15 is still young, and even without the extra nastiness from a racist dad, is unfortunately an age ripe with angst and self-hatred.”
“Regardless, her response reinforces that she is not mature enough to attend your wedding. I hope that you are able to stay close with her and that she grows out of these feelings. Same goes for your relationship with your mom.”
“Have a beautiful wedding, and keep that racist f*** of a stepfather far, far away.” – mudpocalypse
OP should hold strong, and she’ll have a pretty enjoyable wedding. However, her step-father and sister will throw a fit the entire time.
And she’ll have to be prepared for that.