For many, it feels like an easy choice to decide to go to a sibling’s wedding over a friend’s. But what would it take to make you skip a close family member’s wedding?
Redditor Mission_Half5062’s sister is upset with him after he decided to skip her wedding. The original poster (OP) isn’t sure if he was wrong and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for perspective.
“AITA for choosing a friend wedding over my sister’s segregated one?”
OP explained why he had an issue with his sister:
“My (26[Male]) sister Maya (25[Female]) is engaged to a man from a middle eastern culture. We were raised with no religion or big ethnic customs.”
“Her wedding is set for March 2022. I also just got a save the date for one of my college friends on the same date in a different part of the country.”
“Now normally it’d suck to miss a friend’s wedding but sister probably overrules friend. The thing is, her wedding is going to be in the custom of her fiancé’s family, which is to segregate based on sexes and not allowing alcohol.”
“Meaning I’d have to be totally sober and not even allowed to hang out with my girlfriend.”
“That sounds like a boring time for both of us. My friend’s wedding is more ‘normal’ American in that there’s no separations and its an open bar. My girlfriend and I are both pretty good friends with the bride and groom and it will be so much more fun.”
“I told Maya I’m not comfortable with the setup of her wedding and am going to go to my friend’s instead and she’s super pissed at me. I told her if they have a more normal one I’d go but Im not going to spend money traveling and for a hotel to be sober for a weird wedding and not even be allowed to dance with my gf when I could go to a good friend’s wedding and have a great time instead.”
“My parents are kinda with me too. My dad said I should put my gf first and agrees it wont be nearly as good of a time. My mom isn’t exactly thrilled about the culture Maya’s marrying into (it’s very sexist) and said while she’s sad I wont be in the pictures, she gets it.”
“Maya however has not taken it well and keeps texting me about it accusing me of not only being a bad brother but of being Xenophobic..”
“Thats not accurate as if it was another culture that allowed men and women to spend time together at weddings or atleast drink I’d go but this is just weird. Right now Im just leaving her on read while I think of what to say.”
And in a small update, OP clarified what he meant by ‘segregated.’
“When I say segregated, I don’t just mean the seating to eat. Its separate rooms for the entire event.”
On the AITA board, people are judged for how they react. They explain their story and internet strangers weigh in on whether or not they were a jerk.
This is done by including one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP’s issues come down to two separate problems. On one hand, the segregated set-up means he’ll be uncomfortable in a new situation, unable to be there for his sister, unable to see his girlfriend.
On top of this, there isn’t even a chance of taking the edge off by dancing or partying.
It’s OP’s choice and the board felt he made the right one.
“NTA. Sounds like none of your family are happy with the arrangements and your friends wedding will probably be a much more fun time being able to spend it with your gf and being able to drink.”
“I think it’s the same thing as saying you’re going to have a child free wedding, it’s not going to suit everyone and some people may openly dislike it and choose not to go.” – liamgriffin493
“NTA. It’s okay to not feel comfortable with some cultural traditions and shouldn’t be expected to have to submit to something that makes you extremely uncomfortable.” – ImpressiveCollar5811
“NTA. You don’t have to partake in customs and rituals that make you uncomfortable. Sex segregation *is* f***ing weird, and it’s generally transphobic and erases the existence of non-binary people.” – chlorenchyma
“i’m gonna have to say NTA. after seeing the edit, OP wouldn’t even be able to see and spend time with his sister because men and women would be in COMPLETELY SEPARATE ROOMS.”
“soooo it would be like he wasn’t even there outside of the ceremony. so not only is he going to be in a room with a bunch dudes, half of which he probably doesn’t know, he can’t drink to take some of the edge off of what would be an awkward situation.”
“the sister can marry off into whatever culture she wants to but she can’t be mad others don’t want to participate because of said culture. i sure wouldn’t. but do be ready to not have a relationship with your sister though.” – Kamitaylor
“It’s buried under all the other stuff, but it’s also a destination wedding. That alone is a dealbreaker to some.”
“He’d have to spend a lot of money on travel and hotel costs, take time off work, miss another important event, make himself and his gf miserable, cost his gf a lot of money as well which is a hardship for her, and all just to be there and not even get to see his sister at all that day!” – Dismal-Lead
But others still saw OP’s decision being made based on xenophobia. He did make his choice because the custom of another culture is “weird” to him and said his friend’s wedding would be “normal.”
This language led some to debate the issue.
“NTA – disapproving of the mistreatment of women is not xenophobic; it’s basic human decency.” – bureaucratic_drift
“Are you referring to a wedding where both men and women are seated (edit: generally celebrating) seperately and BOTH aren‘t allowed to drink?”
“OP predominantly seems worried about not being able to dance and drink, I don‘t really see any kind of worry regarding his sister.”
“edit: someone brought up – which is very valid imo – that there are other issues connected to the segregation, that could very well play into sexism/oppression of women.”
“My point stands tho: OP was solely worried about not being able to dance with his gf and having to go without alcohol. Neither of those are mistreatment of women per se.” – Nilimamam_968
“It’s not xenophobic either way.” – bureaucratic_drift
“Considering he is calling a different culture‘s customs weird and saying he‘d come if it was a ‘normal’ wedding… Not directly hostile but definitely heavily biased and not okay.”
“edit: phew, you guys keep flooding me with the same argument.”
“OP is judging the customs bc they are ‘weird and not fun’ (he actually edited out the parts where he repeatedly said how weird it is, without marking those parts). The only person in this conflict who is thinking further than ‘no alcohol and can‘t see my girlfriend’ is OP‘s mom, which is valid imo. She‘s still going to the wedding tho to support her daughter.”
“OP is – going by his post – not worried about oppression of women, that‘s not why he calls his sister‘s wedding weird and abnormal. Which is what I answered to; his judgement of customs bc they don‘t fit his idea of a party, bc it‘s ‘boring’”
“So don‘t make this a debate about the validity of some customs in regards to equality. ‘That culture’s customs are boring, weird and abnormal’ and ‘certain aspects of the culture are questionable’ are very different things; I was not talking about the latter.” – Nilimamam_968
Whatever the reason OP chooses to not go, it doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences. His relationship with his sister is going to be strained at best.
He needs to decide if skipping a boring wedding is worth that.