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Mom Asks If She Was Wrong To Tell Her Live-In Autistic Daughter ‘Nobody Wants Her Around’

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*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.

There’s a saying, “you always hurt the ones you love.”

One mother engaged in an ongoing conflict with her daughter to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for personal validation.

It didn’t go as mom hoped.

Redditor nobodywantsyouAITA asked:

“AITA for telling my adult daughter that nobody wants her around?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I’m a 55 year old mom of 5 kids, living in the countryside in rural USA. Victoria, my oldest (30,) lost her job in the pandemic, and has been living with me since.”

“I love her dearly, but I don’t love her behavior.”

“She often argues about house rules, like getting up at a reasonable hour, or helping out whenever her dad and I aren’t home (doing chores, watching over our dogs, etc…)”

“She says she’s tired of being parented when she’s an adult, but I remind her that she’s living with us rent-free, and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. I won’t kick her out because she’d never make it on the street.”

“She’s also on the autism spectrum, and is clinically depressed, but is more than capable of pulling her weight around here.”

“Earlier today, things got really heated. I’d been invested in a small house for Victoria to live in when she starts her new work-from-home job next week.”

“I put her computer desk in the basement, but, today, she moved it to the living room upstairs without my permission, and scratched the walls in the process. She apologized for scratching the walls, and said the internet wasn’t working in the basement.”

“I had enough of her acting like she can do whatever she wants in MY house that I’M paying for.”

“I told her ‘This is why nobody wants you around, Victoria; nobody. You’re ugly on the inside. Nobody will want to do anything with you if you keep this up’.”

“Victoria was upset, telling me that no mom should ever say that to her daughter, and how ‘I’ve always known you’d be better off without me. Thanks for confirming it’.”

“I clarified that ‘socially’ nobody wants her around if she keeps acting like this. It’s a natural consequence of being so rude and disrespectful.”

“Her little sister tried to defend me, saying sometimes Victoria does things that drive me crazy, even though I’ve done so much for her. Victoria later accused me of being a hypocrite since I said something rude to her, even though I hate it when she’s rude to me.”

“I stand by calling her out for her bad behavior, but my daughter’s been crying all day, and her siblings have told me she’s said things like ‘I don’t belong here’, ‘I don’t fit it in with my own family’, ‘You all would be happier without me’.”

“AITA?”

“Did I go too far, or did my daughter need to be called out for her behavior?”

Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.

“INFO: were you actively trying to push her towards suicide? Will you even care?”

“Because that last sentence does not sound good.” ~ UnicornCackle

“YTA. ‘I told her “This is why nobody wants you around, Victoria; nobody. You’re ugly on the inside. Nobody will want to do anything with you if you keep this up”.'”

“What mother in thier right mind would say that about their child?”

“She is never going to forget what you’ve said and you’ll be lucky if she ever speaks to you again.” ~ Noelle_Frostmas

“Especially their daughter they’ve acknowledged is clinically depressed!”

“I’m 30 and living with a relative. I have clinical depression and other things. Some days are hard for me.”

“Some days I don’t pull my weight. My relative says things in very polite and respectful ways to me and we work things out like adults!”

“OP, that was cruel. Insanely cruel. I cannot imagine what your poor daughter is feeling. FU, YTA.” ~ TheRealGongoozler

“YTA – You’re the a**hole. Some things will ALWAYS be off limits to say to your kids.”

“I don’t care what she did, you don’t say that. That is not how you get your point across.” ~ TaylorRohde

“That’s a great way to get a clinically depressed person to consider suicide OP.”

“Good parenting there. YTA.” ~ Els236

“These are things people should never say to somebody the care for… YTA.” ~ _MME_

“Shouldn’t say it to people you don’t care for (in this case it seems) either.” ~ Tashianie

“That’s the kind of thing I’d say to someone I never wanted to see again.” ~ black_rose_

“YTA. Let me get this straight, you told your depressed daughter she’s ugly on the inside and nobody wants to be around her?”

“That’s literally the worst thing you could have said. Lots of depressed people feel as if they are a burden upon others, and you just confirmed you feel that way to your daughter.”

“Talk about bad parenting. She’s right. You’re a hypocrite.”

“I hope all your children wake up and realize what a toxic person you are.” ~ Kyubey-chan

A Narcissist’s Prayer

“That didn’t happen.”

“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”

“And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”

“And if it is, that’s not my fault.”

“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”

“And if I did…”

“You deserved it.” ~ PsychoticPangolin

“It’s not the daughter who’s ugly on the inside.” ~ CartlinK

“Confirming all her daughter’s worst depression thoughts, in a horrible memory which she will carry with her forever.” ~ JustheBean

“YTA. What is it with parents not understanding their children’s mental illnesses and disabilities and putting it off as laziness?” ~ amethystpig

“Prolly because OP has 5 kids and started at 25 and has control issues.” ~ LukewarmJortz

“Are you kidding me?!”

“Let me get this straight: your ADULT daughter decided that she needed to move her work station because the Internet she needs to do that job wasn’t working. And because she didn’t beg your permission like a child, you told her nobody wants her around!?!”

“The fact that you wrote out an entire post and are still even asking if you are the a**hole boggles my mind.”

“Of course you are the a**hole.”

“This is why nobody wants you around. YTA.” ~ kindlefan12

“Holy cow! YTA. Your daughter scratched a wall, apologized, and you told her that no one wants her around???”

“Oh my God. I can understand saying ‘I wish you’d asked first… We could get a Wi-Fi booster… etc…’, but you just unloaded what’s probably decades of resentment that your daughter is ‘difficult’.”

“Boo-F’king-Hoo. Welcome to being a parent.”

“I can only imagine how deeply your daughter is hurting now. That’s not something that goes away.”

“You f’ked up big time and I wouldn’t blame her if she permanently cut you out of her life.” ~ LakeLov3r

“I’m somebody who’s been diagnosed as autistic and depressed. A lot of what Victoria is displaying is what I went through.”

“It wasn’t until I was formally diagnosed that my parents understood and got off my back about a lot of things.”

“What hurts me here is the fact that OP knows this and is still treating her daughter worse than the dogsh*t you scrape off of the bottom of your shoe.”

“OP if you’re reading this, don’t bother trying to justify your abhorrent comments and behaviour because at this point no one cares.”

“Your daughter is in one of the lowest places a person can be and if they do something that results in them no longer being in the mortal world then that rests squarely and solely on you and your vicious words.”

“You are the sole cause of her issues, thus just proving how short sighted and malignant you are.” ~ SexuallyCurious1432

“It’s awful. Also, her daughter is autistic. She needs people to be clear and litteral, no non-verbal hints.”

“It must’ve been awful growing up in this household.” ~ bubblepop92

“YTA. What a disgusting thing to say to your child.”

“Whether she needed to be called out or not, what you said isn’t OK. That was straight up emotional abuse, not calling her out.” ~ Fairykinn

“YTA. Wait I’m sorry one of your house rules is getting up early…? She is a 30 year old woman.”

“Are you out of your mind? Then you say she’s on the autism spectrum and has depression. What is wrong with you?” ~ imnotcreativeokay

Redditors were clear. The OP crossed a line with her comments.

While her daughter may forgive her, she’s unlikely to ever forget.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metis Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. She considers herself another proud Maineiac.
Member of NAJA.