People want to treat others better. As a society, we have unspoken deals in place to try and allow us to treat others with respect, the precise terms of which are always changing.
Dating is another minefield entirely, with our goal of finding a compatible mate having to fit into these societal rules. You want to be polite, but willing to leave if something is wrong.
To that end, Reddit user KilljoyKillsjoy turned to the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit to ask the question on label.
The story starts with some set-up, meeting a girl online who he liked.
“I’ll try to keep this short.
I’m on Tinder and I see a cute chick so I swipe right. In two of her pics it’s clear she has a twin. Cool. Not identical, but close enough. They were both above the shoulder shots. We start talking and she’s ramping up to be perfect, you know how crushes are yadda yadda.”
He seems a little focused on her weight, especially for someone who says it doesn’t matter to him.
“This last weekend we had our first date. I get there early and wait for her outside and she shows up much larger than in her pics, but she’s still cute and I’m not a picky man (plus tmi… dat ass). I figured that the pictures she’d used were from last year and that’s fine. Not all my pics are recent either, I just threw up my best.”
However, his focus on her having a twin and talk about her weight makes more sense when we get to this part.
“The date was actually awesome. The crush is still strong even as I’m typing it but… f*ck I was suspicious, alright? That whole twin thing was a weird red? yellow? flag, especially how she talked about her sis. Nothing bad, just… dismissive? Idk how to describe it. Anyways, so I check Facebook and the pictures she had used were from her sister’s profile (not fully public but one was her profile pic and another one was visible on there so I’m guessing the rest are hers too).”
If he’s to be believed, he really likes this girl, but the possibility she used her sister’s picture in a dating profile is hard to look past.
“And I’m not sure how to feel now. On one hand, I like her. On the other, she’s using her sisters pics to get dates and that’s… weird?? But they’re twins so she legit would look just like her sis if she lost a bit of weight so it’s not really lying??? And I get why she did it, we all got flaws we wanna pretend aren’t there, but????”
It’s not as cut and dry as you might have initially thought.
“I asked my coworker’s their opinion and it’s divided as f*ck (one lad said I was fat-shaming/lacking empathy), so since I found this sub recently I figured I’d ask here. WIBTA for canceling our second date because her pics don’t match?”
It’s a difficult situation for sure. On one hand, despite the initial language used, the user seemed to have some genuine affection for their date. On the other hand, it’s difficult to look past the lie.
A lot of users seemed to be on the same side, thinking a lie isn’t a good way to start a relationship.
“NTA. You are under no obligation to go on a second date. Period. Plus, she lied, and hid it. So, don’t fall into that type of relationship where it’s already based off lies. Good luck.”
“NTA. Lying from the start is a bad sign.”
“NTA, if you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it. You’d be the asshole if you told her “You’re too heavy for me” or something like that.”
Others were more lenient on the girl, as dating can be difficult.
Some asked for a little more clarification, while others just reassured that if he didn’t go forward, he was in the clear.
“I do not understand why you still are going on about the pictures she has used, when you already had a full date which you enjoyed. You even admit yourself you use your best pictures of years ago.”
“I’m confused because you say you like her, and she had more pictures up than just the one of her and her twin that included solo pictures. Were the solo pictures of her twin and not her?
If she had pictures of herself up, solo, that were of her, YTA.
If she didn’t have solo pictures of herself up, or the solo pics were of her twin, NTA.
I’m assuming you’ll be canceling your date with her regardless. It sounds like you talked yourself out of liking her / have been convinced she’s catfishing you.”
“NAH. For context, I’m a large lady. I’m about 6 feet tall, and I’ve been as big as 345 and as small as 180. Currently on the lower end of that range. People have said I’m very attractive at various weights, but I am big, no doubt. In my experience, it can be hard to date as a larger person, or as a person who can be singled out for any socially “negative” attribute. Many larger women have self-esteem and confidence issues. These thought patterns are fuel for poor or strange behaviors. Larger women don’t realize there are plenty of people out there who would be into their genuine selves! It’s sad.
She’s definitely in the wrong, but I wouldn’t say she’s an asshole, as her intents don’t seem malicious (…though we’ll never really know since she blocked you). She sounds deeply insecure. Plus, she probably experiences people constantly comparing her to her sister. If her sister is more successful romantically or sexually, it probably exasperates the issue. This is by no means an excuse. What she did was wrong. It was manipulative and deceitful. It just might provide some insight into why she is the way she is.
Some would give her a second chance, but you’re by no means obligated to do so. Everyone has boundaries and expectations.
And you’re 100% not an asshole. You seem pretty open minded and chill, which is great to see. You don’t deserve ti be lied to. You don’t have to explain your attractions or preferences. Good luck out there!”
KilljoyKillsjoy updated his original post saying he tried asking her about it. In the end, it would seem none of this mattered too much.
I ended up texting her after work: “Hey I went to add you on Facebook and your sister’s profile popped up. What’s going on?” with a screenshot of her sister’s profile (since she had used her sis’s profile pic on Tinder.)
Aaaaaand she blocked me. Without explaining anything. So I guess that decides that.
Thanks everyone for your judgment and advice. I’m pretty bummed now, but I picked up a six pack so I’ll be better soon! Ha.”
Or does it?
The poster came back with a completely separate thread.
He was able to talk with the woman from his date, and get some answers and it goes even further.
Turns out, the girl had recently lost weight and didn’t have many photos of herself. Her sister is the one who suggested she switch photos to try and get more dates.
She apologizes and KilljoyKillsjoy is excited to go on another date with her.
And honestly, it is kinda great!
“This is slams table VERY ADORABLE.”
“Good on you my dude. To err is human. I glad you were able to look past this and give it a second go.”
“Me too. I’m really f*cking excited man.”
“It doesn’t seem to be that much drama, honestly. More of a case where the best of intentions kind of messed things up. Either way, glad you were able to sit down and figure it out, and I’m glad things are going well (ish?)”
The original poster is a good dude to have wanted to see her again despite the lie, and the date is great for coming clean. Could this have been handled better on both sides? Maybe.
But in the end, two people found someone to try and connect with, and we can’t fault them for that.