We all have certain little, annoying habits that we do that our romantic partner will notice and likely not care about.
But sometimes, there’s something that we do that we deem “no big deal” that is alarmingly inconvenient, if not hurtful, to someone else, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Firm_Afternoon_8463 was struggling to sleep and so needed to not be disturbed when she was actually sleeping. She communicated to her boyfriend not to wake her, which she thought he understood.
When he proceeded to wake her to remind her to brush her teeth in the evening, the Original Poster (OP) was furious and could not believe that her boyfriend didn’t remember asking her not to wake her up.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being angry that my boyfriend woke me up to ‘brush my teeth’ at 11:00 PM?”
The OP was furious after her boyfriend ignored her boundaries.
“I’m writing this at 12:00 AM, wide awake and fuming, because my boyfriend woke me up an hour ago to ‘brush my teeth’ after I’ve told him not to before.”
“We’ve only been living together for two months (dating for four years), and this is the second time he’s woken me up after I fell asleep early to brush my godd**n teeth.”
“For context, I normally don’t sleep until midnight or 1:00 AM, and he usually sleeps earlier than me for work (he wakes up at 5:30 AM on work days).”
“I work hybrid, so I sleep in most days and on in-person days (today), I wake up at 5:30 AM with him to make us breakfast and prep our lunches before heading to my 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM job.”
“Then we come home, go get groceries, and I cook while he does dishes. Basically, we didn’t finish cleaning until 8:00 PM, so I went straight to rest in bed after my shower while he played video games. I normally play with him, but I fell asleep browsing today.”
The OP was awake and furious after her boyfriend woke her up.
“Two hours later at 10:00 PM, he finished playing and came to wake me up to brush.”
“This has happened once before, and I’ve told him to leave me alone when I’m too tired.”
“Today, I actually fell into a deep sleep and was super out of it, trying to mumble and push him away.”
“He still insisted I wake up and then left after a while to put our clothes in the dryer, being loud as f**k so that woke me up fully. Well, I went to brush my teeth and tried to go back to sleep after, and I couldn’t.”
“I am p**sed out of my mind, and I want to scream at him, but he’s peacefully asleep now after ruining mine.”
“He started a new job this week and is working from home tomorrow, while I’ve got another full day in-person, so there’s that, too.”
The OP didn’t understand why her boyfriend was behaving in this way.
“I feel like my sleep deprivation is making me so angry right now, but I can’t understand why you would wake someone up midsleep to brush. It’s not the end of the world to miss one night when I’m going to brush in the morning anyway.”
“I normally brush/floss/tongue scrape/mouthwash every godd**n night. And he initiates kissing and making out with me practically every morning, so I don’t think I have bad breath or morning breath anyway!”
“Before moving in together, I rarely fell asleep early, but these in-person days have been extremely exhausting for me.”
“Irrelevant, but I checked his match history and he’s lost all his games, so I can’t help but feel like he was in a bad mood and just wanted to f**k with me.”
“Thoughts? Is this normal, or am I overreacting?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some found the boyfriend’s behavior to be weirdly controlling, not to mention harmful to the OP’s sleep schedule.
“You’re not overreacting. Missing one night of brushing isn’t a crisis, but ruining your sleep absolutely is. The fact that you’ve told him before and he still did it (and then got defensive instead of apologizing) is the bigger issue.”
“It’s not about teeth; it’s about respect.” – lovelopetir
“This is completely straightforward: he did a thing to you, you told him not to do that thing again, he ignored you and did it anyway.”
“You are not overreacting and s**t like this is a red flag.”
“In what other situations will he ignore your autonomy? This wasn’t something that had anything to do with him.” – Lem0nadeLola
“NOR. He’s being an inconsiderate and condescending pr**k. Not saying he always is, but this behavior is s**tty. This warrants a conversation, and he needs to understand that this is unacceptable.”
“One: you’re a grown a** adult, you don’t need him to pick at it. Two: waking someone out of dead sleep is rude as sh*t, and I’ll die on that hill. You’re definitely nicer than me though because I’d have woken his a** up; now neither of us is sleeping, a**hole.” – Ok_Guarantee_58532
“My ex was abusive, and it started with him messing with my sleep. He would wake me up for stupid reasons and get up at 5:00 AM to empty the dishwasher and make heaps of noise to wake me.”
“I can’t think of a good reason for your boyfriend to do this after you’ve already told him once not to, so I would keep a very close eye out for other abusive behaviours.” – DangerousTurmeric
“I’d start waking him up to inform him that you just brushed your teeth. And when he falls back to sleep, I’d wake him up again to say, ‘I also flossed.’ But I’m PETTY. NOR.” – Beautiful_Camel_17
Others recommended sleeping in other rooms or ending the relationship.
“I have bouts of insomnia. I can usually fall asleep around 4:30 AM to 5:00 AM and sleep until 9:00 AM when I’m experiencing it.”
“My husband has an alarm he sets at 6:00 AM and then snoozes it repeatedly until 7:00 AM. If I’m having insomnia, it will wake me up, and then I just don’t get to sleep that day.”
“I asked him multiple times to set his alarm for 7:00 AM or even 6:50 AM instead of having an hour of snooze alarm every 10 minutes, but he refused.”
“I finally started getting up and turning on all the lights, including in the bedroom, and taking the comforter. If I have to not sleep, f**k you, you’re getting up when your alarm goes off.”
“If someone is inconsiderate about your sleep and you have asked them not to be, then be inconsiderate back. You’ve tried communicating. It’s time for the consequences now.”
“Maybe after that, the communication will work. I no longer have to be woken up by a 6:00 AM alarm being repeatedly snoozed anymore.” – ouwish
“You should sleep in separate bedrooms. My ex was an inconsiderate pr**k like your husband with his alarm, and I regret not taking a stand.”
“My husband and I are having sleep-related issues and sleep in separate bedrooms. It’s been the best decision ever, and when we want to sleep together for other activities, it makes those ‘slumber parties’ extra special.” – IcySetting2024
“Toothbrush together, cuddle in big bed for a bit, then I sneak off to the twin bed in the office where I can flop and snore to my heart’s content.”
“And sometimes he sleeps, walks, but he tries to pat the bed to figure out where I am, and if I’m there, that means he’s essentially whacking me very gently over and over…. And I wake up getting gently whacked so confused.”
“It’s best we part for the night…” – spacestonkz
“Honestly, as someone who deals with serious insomnia (I have bipolar, so sleep is tough in general), whenever I feel incredibly wired at night and want to do something active, like run a mile, for example, I get up and do it. That goes DOUBLE if I have emotions I need to work through.”
“If you feel too restless to get back to sleep and feel that going out for even a walk around the block could help clear your head, don’t hesitate. There’s a weird taboo around being outdoors at night, which I had to get over because some nights I feel like I’ll go crazy if I have to sit in the house any longer.”
“Just an option, to help you process/soothe your emotional state before approaching a convo about this.” – detransdyke
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few brief updates.
“First, you guys can stop asking me to wake him up, LOL. I’m already at work the next day, and FYI, I slept at 3:00 AM, woke up at 6:00 AM, so funsies. As for talking to him, I won’t be home until 5:00 PM, so it so won’t happen until tonight.”
“Mini update: He called me during lunch and acted like it was no big deal that he woke me up to brush. He also doesn’t remember me telling him not to wake me up.”
“I told him that if he sees I’m sleeping and tired, he should let me sleep.”
“He brought up a time where we were both knocking out in bed together, and I nudged him, asking if he wanted to brush. He didn’t respond, so I left it and went to brush alone. He did eventually wake up, but I never made any noise or tried to be loud.”
“He essentially turned it on me and brought up that I don’t need to wake up early with him anymore and said, ‘You’re acting like I’m asking a lot when I had to do the laundry.'”
“It definitely escalated and ended with him saying he won’t wake me up again, and I don’t need to make him breakfast anymore. It just felt super condescending.”
“Another mini update: After work, he asked me if I wanted to talk. I asked him about what?”
“He replied, ‘You’re overreacting.’ Needless to say, I did not engage.”
“I won’t be making another update unless there is progress, but I don’t think there will be.”
It might seem like one night, one toothbrushing session, and one fight, but this is potentially a sign of something much bigger and much worse.
It sounded as if they couldn’t work through it without escalating or her boyfriend calling her feelings “an overreaction,” the OP needed to make an exit: either out of the bedroom or out of the relationship.