Full disclosure and total honesty in a relationship is an ideal many strive for but does your significant other need to know everything? And when do they need to know?
Like, is disclosing your irritable bowel syndrome a first or second-date discussion?
Or can that be kept private until your partner needs to know?
A man whose girlfriend got upset about what he didn’t share about his dental health turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
No-Construction-4147 asked:
“AITA for never mentioning to my girlfriend (GF) that my teeth are not real?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, male) had problems with my teeth since I was a teenager. By my mid-20s, I had done so many root canal treatments that my dentist recommended that in the long run, it would be cheaper and less painful to get permanent dental implants, as I had constant issues with my teeth.”
“I did it—they removed all my real teeth, including a few that did not cause issues yet, and I got implants.”
“Suddenly there was one constant annoying thing less in my life, that eventually I forgot about it.”
“3 years ago I met my current girlfriend (34, female) and we have been living together for a year.”
“Recently, she had a problem with one tooth and found out she needed the root canal treatment and told me, ‘I wish I had good teeth like you!’.”
“And I realized that she does not even know and jokingly told her, ‘Oh those are not mine, I got those in 2013!’.”
“Suddenly she was mad that I kept such a secret for all that time from her, that I was hiding the truth.”
“I tried to explain, that I am so used to it, that I just don’t think about it.”
“I can honestly say I have never ever complimented someone else’s teeth. And it was the first time someone told anything about my teeth.”
“That was the whole point—it was the first time we talked about teeth like that, so it made sense to bring it up.”
“She thinks that I am an a**hole and that is a lie of omission. She is mad because I did not share everything with her.”
“The conversation where it seemed a significant thing to share did happen.”
“Of course, she got some of our friends included into the discussion and some agree that it does not even affect her, some think that people should tell their partner these things.”
“AITA?”
“I am not asking any kind of advice here; I am asking if forgetting to talk about such detail makes me an a**hole.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I never told my girlfriend that my teeth are not real. I might be an a**hole for not telling her that my teeth are not real.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, I’d get being surprised and all, but mad? What is she even mad about? It’s totally understandable that you just never mentioned it because you don’t think about it, because WHO CARES, like‽‽
“She’s an AH for making a drama out of this, not considering your pov, picking fights instead of communicating, and involving friends. A nondramatic girlfriend would laugh about it.” ~ Aelle29
“When my sister found out her boyfriend had no teeth, she was shocked and then they laughed about it together.”
“She found out when she woke up one morning and his dentures had fallen out and got lost under their blanket.” ~ crocodilezebramilk
“NTA. Would it have made a difference in the relationship if she’d known then vs now? Everyone has different circumstances when it comes to dental hygiene.”
“I mean hell, my jaws are f*cked, and no matter how much I brush and floss, I still get cavities. My girlfriend knows what I want to do supports me and loves me regardless of the status of my teeth.”
“I actually think it’s really funny the way you said it, ‘Those aren’t mine.’ I would have been shocked and laughing pretty well, honestly. I can understand the frustration, as sure, it seems like a big secret to her, but not to you.”
“But it was such a long time ago, I can understand not letting it be at the forefront.”
“Genuinely curious! Why does it matter to know then vs now?” ~ Banzai076
“NTA, that is a really strange thing to get mad about. Can she explain why she thinks it is a lie? Did she specifically get together with you because of your teeth or what?”
“I would also be concerned about the fact that she brought a bunch of friends into your ‘fight’. Is that something you are OK with?” ~ Next_Brainpuzzle
“Not only that, but told a bunch of friends about his personal medical history.” ~ princessflubcorm
“That’s rude and only intended to embarrass OP, which is super gross. I would never do that to my husband that had to have all his teeth removed for medical reasons.” ~ Informal_Move_7075
“Which is a huuuuge a**hole move on her part. Does she just think that everyone needs to know everyone else’s bodily details?”
“Would she like for you to share information about how she doesn’t clean her ears often enough or something similar?”
“1) She overreacted to news about something you did before you met her that doesn’t affect her and 2) she showed real immaturity by not having an adult discussion with you about why she feels that your lack of full disclosure equates to malice/dishonesty and 3) she crossed a boundary by blabbing about your business to others.”
“NTA, OP.” ~ clh1nton
“I kinda feel like at 3 years you’re just getting into that really serious and comfortable part of the relationship where more of these more medical things come up, or just details from further in your past that aren’t relative to your current day to day just kinda trickle out here and there.”
“You’re not hiding it, but it’s no longer relevant to discuss at length unless another topic brings it up, like it did with your teeth.”
“I don’t know why so many people seem to think you have to disclose every detail of your life and body to a person. Isn’t that the whole point of a relationship is to keep finding a deeper understanding of that person as time goes on?”
“I don’t know, maybe I’ve been wrong these last wonderful 15 years of constantly learning about my husband, to think all this time he’s been lying by omission!” ~ Patient_Town1719
“So on what date did she expect to discuss dental history? Is that a second date or a third date conversation? Or is that more something that you save for deep dive at six months?”
“I mean if she showed up to a date with x-rays of her teeth and you didn’t mention your dental surgery, that would be a bit of an oversight on your part.”
“But it seems like this was really the first time it was relevant or even on your mind at all.”
“What was she expecting? ‘Do you want to catch a movie this Friday?’ ‘Sounds good! By the way my teeth are fake’.” ~ nervelli
“NTA. It would be dicey to hide the truth if it came up. Ex: ‘I could never be with someone with dental implants. I’d be worried they were secretly reading my thoughts’. If she said that, it would be immoral to hide the truth from her (it may also be wise to leave her for other reasons).”
“But you didn’t hide the truth. You never brought it up because you didn’t see any reason to/relevance. I can’t really see any beyond reproduction (I suppose your children could theoretically be at risk for your dental woes).”
“Your life partner isn’t automatically entitled to your life story. Certainly there are boring or painful parts many of us skip. Those omissions are not immoral unless they deny our partner important information they want to have. You haven’t really done that here.” ~ BigBayesian
“NTA. It sounds like she is being judgmental because she considers it a negative, and therefore, it seems like something you ‘hid’.”
“Unless there were lots of relevant conversations before where you never mentioned it, it sounds like you just told her when it was relevant because it wasn’t something interesting enough for you to bring up on your own.”
“Think about it. Why would this matter if not because she’s judging you for it?”
“And the friends that agree are probably ALSO judging it. They’re considering it a ‘negative’ that you ‘hid’ about yourself.” ~ Puzzled_Medium7041
“NTA. Same thing here, it’s hereditary in my family, my dad, my brothers, my nephews and nieces. We all had to have major bridgework or dentures/implants by the time we were 30.”
“It’s just a thing that no amount of fillings, flossings, or cleanings was ever going to fix. You don’t even think about it.”
“When you’re 12 and at the dentist, and he’s talking problems already, this is missing, this is bad, and so on. Mom was like do they need braces?”
“Doc goes no eventually they’re going to need dentures… had major bridgework in college and finally dentures by 40 and now implants. It’s just a thing you don’t think about anymore, quite happily don’t have to think about anymore.”
“So no, you are not an a**hole.”
“Only person who ever noticed or at least said anything was a young lady I was having dinner with and she said ‘wow, your smile is so good, I wish my teeth were like that’.”
“I replied, ‘For 8000 dollars they can be’, and told her the story. She was terribly disappointed they weren’t real. They were plenty real enough for me and didn’t hurt all the time.” ~ EducationalOutcome26
People weren’t sure why this was an issue. Only OP’s girlfriend can answer that question.