A relationship is built on communication and give and take. Sometimes these two ideas are in conflict and despite trying your best, they lead to issues.
When Redditor MikeIzzle_ signed up for an apartment, his girlfriend (GF) got upset. The original poster (OP) did it without consulting her, but there’s a little more to the story.
OP told this story to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to find out if he was the titular a**hole in this situation.
“AITA for applying for an apartment behind my GFs back?”
It’s not like he didn’t want to tell his GF.
“My girlfriend (23F) and I (26M) have been dating for five years next month, and we’ve been living with my parents for the past two years or so. We’ve talked about getting an apartment for several years but have never really been able to.”
“We both worked at McDonald’s together but I quit and now I’ve been a bank teller for two years. She left but has been bouncing around various part time jobs, usually never lasting very long before quitting; most recently just one day. “
“She’s been unemployed for a couple weeks now and focusing on art and her Etsy shop, which I’ve been super supportive.”
“Ive been openly looking at apartments around town for several months and we’ve talked about it but they all require that we both make 3x the monthly rent to qualify. I knew of one complex in a very nice, new suburban area that was income restricted and I knew we would qualify for because two of my coworkers each had their own place there on their income alone.”
“We talked about it, and two days ago, I told her I was going over to check it out and get some info while she was sleeping in still. I ended up putting us on the wait list, thinking it might be a few months.”
“Today, they called and offered a move in next month if we can go today to fill out the applications. I agreed right away and after I got off work we went down there to apply.”
“She’s super upset because I didn’t run it by her first, and we didn’t talk about if we should right now. I understand where she’s coming from, but I’ve been ready to move out for years and she can’t hold a job down.”
“It’s either these nice, cheap apartments or some grungy ghetto ones across town with a long commute. The choice is obvious so I didn’t want to waste any time.”
“Am I the a**hole for not running this by her before agreeing?”
OP also posted some more information in the comments to provide a little more context to the situation.
“One this I want to clarify that I guess I missed on the post, I did tell her about the wait list.”
“I had the day off on Tuesday and told her in the morning that I was going to get some info and then she decided to stay home to sleep in a bit. When I got home I told her about the wait list, but we both expected it to be a few months, not two days.”
“When I got the call about moving to the next step, I agreed right away, and that’s where we are now.” – MikeIzzle_ (OP)
“Info: who will pay the rent? Will you split it? Or are you supporting her?”
“It’s not clear to me how much of this she was aware of all along the way, but if you’re paying you get to decide. Sounds like she knew about the waiting list but didn’t get to see the apartment, is that correct?” – firefly232
“Correct, and I’d be paying the bulk of it. She does DoorDash and will help with utilities and food and things in that nature. We’ve come to this agreement before this too” – MikeIzzle_ (OP)
On the AITA subReddit, people are judged based on what they do in their story. Commenters try to determine if OP is TA or possibly another person involved.
This is done with one of the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The apartment sounds like it had a time limit, and it’s unclear whether OP would have had the time to be able to let his girlfriend know about the offer before accepting.
The board agreed that OP did nothing wrong:
“NTA. You are the driver and it sounds like GF would be content to stay at your parents house for years.”
“In the income restricted market for apartments, they can fill up quickly and hesitating can lead to being on a waiting list for months.” – wind-river7
“NTA because you seem like a more responsible and solid person who makes sure he’ll have what it takes. Your girlfriend on the other hand seems to be more unreliable and almost like a big mooch…”
“I’m not trying to be mean but she is more like dead weight you’ve been carrying around. Of course it easier to live with family but she needs to grow up and pay her way.” – MizzyvonMuffling
“NTA. You did run it by her. Just because it happened earlier than expected, doesn’t mean you neglected to tell her about it.”
“You were smart to accept the place when they called you. You would have missed out on a great opportunity if you hadn’t.”
“You did nothing wrong by taking care of business; that’s what grown folks do. Congrats on the new place.” – Tamstrong
“You signed up for the nice apartment and she knew about it. Why wouldn’t you agree to go live there as soon as you got the phone call?”
“If she’s so upset tell her that she can stay home and you’ll move. You’re the one who’s going to be paying for everything, so she really doesn’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to making demands.” – Berrysama32
Others were more sympathetic to the GF and thought OP was being rash. He might have asked if he could check with his significant other first.
Additionally, some comments treat the GF like she doesn’t get a say in relationship decisions just because she’s having issues with employment.
Because of this they thought OP was TA.
“Everyone’s going nuts saying your GF is TA because she’s un/underemployed and apparently having an Etsy shop means she doesn’t get to have opinions, but that’s not answering your question.”
“You committed to a place to live before she got a chance to even see it. You did all the looking and deciding without her. Your actions are making it look like you don’t care about what she thinks and wants, and don’t think of her as an equal partner.”
“It doesn’t even matter if you do or not (if you do, maybe break up with her rather than stringing her along by upping the commitment), but those actions are legitimately upsetting coming from a partner.” – quiidge
“Why didn’t you tell her when they called? You went and signed for a place she has never seen and you didn’t discuss it with her.”
“I make all the money in my relationship, but that doesn’t mean I make all the decisions for the two of us. YTA.” – Own-Classroom-1660
Whether or not OP is the one wrong here, he has to deal with his girlfriend.
He can either try and get her to understand why he jumped on the offer, or apologize and make a commitment to involve her in their relationship choices.
Or possibly both.