For a big event like a wedding, it’s really hard to please the whole family, isn’t it?
Especially when it comes to who gets an important role and who doesn’t.
One bride-to-be realized just how important this was to some of her family, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit after she had assigned the roles in her wedding.
Redditor MelidaCV, quite frankly, wasn’t ready for the pushback she would receive.
So much so, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong for her choices.
She asked the subReddit:
“AITA for picking my better-behaved niece to be flower girl at my wedding?”
The OP wanted to keep her wedding to family and close friends.
“My fiance and I are getting married this December. We’re having a 100 person wedding because we really just wanted to invite family and close friends. Obviously, we’re very excited and having a great time planning.”
“My fiance has one nephew who is 7 years old so obviously we chose him to be our ring bearer.”
“For our flower girl — I have three nieces. My brother Leo has an 8 year old daughter named Natalia. She is an absolute angel, so sweet and well behaved and just always very happy. My other brother John has two daughters, Sarah (she’s a baby) and Ivy (7 years old).”
The OP had a tough decision to make.
“Just to be very honest – Natalia is way better behaved than Ivy. I love both girls, but Natalia is the one who I can grab to go on an auntie/niece outing on a Saturday and it’s a lovely time. She’s always happy and polite.”
“Ivy is a sweetheart too, but she’s much more moody and temperamental. A day out with her will go well if we do everything she wants (where to go, what to eat, etc.) but even 1 thing going off will lead to tears or, more recently, into an attitude.”
“And I don’t blame Ivy for her behavior because honestly, it goes back to parenting and the lack of emotional regulation/coping strategies that inevitably occur when a child isn’t taught how to self-regulate and instead is pacified immediately with whatever shiny object.”
The OP decided to go with her gut.
“But honestly I immediately wanted Natalia as flower girl and when I asked my brother/sister-in-law if it was okay they were really happy about it, so I asked Natalia and she was super excited.”
“I told her she can pick the flowers she wants to drop down the aisle and it’s adorable, my sis-in-law texted me about how Natalia has been googling to find the prettiest flowers.”
But not everyone was so happy about it.
“When I told my mom (who is planning the wedding with me) that I asked Natalia to be my flower girl, she immediately was against it. She said that as the grandma she can’t enable me to differentiate between the girls, which I understand but she also admitted she sees why I chose Natalia.”
“She was against it and told me to have both girls as flower girls.”
Some were actually angry about it.
“I decided to think about it for a bit and before you know it, my sis-in-law (Natalia’s mom) made an IG post where she mentioned, ‘We had such a fun day at the park and Natalia finally decided what flowers she’s dropping for her auntie’s wedding!'”
“My other brother John and his wife are big mad.”
“Maybe I should’ve told them (but I felt like it would be more awkward if I did? better to just not mention?) but I don’t like how they’re saying I’m selfish/picking favorites/dividing the girls and that Ivy will be scarred from not being in the wedding when her cousin is.”
“It’s obvious to anyone that with one niece I’m guaranteed to have a smiling flower girl and with another niece, it’s a 50/50 shot.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP’s decision and said it was her wedding.
“Do not make your other niece a flower girl, I was in a wedding where the flower girl ended up taking the extra flowers that we’re going to be used for the tossing bouquet which resulted in me having the bride throw my bouquet. she threw a complete tantrum before the wedding and it was a nightmare.”
“Do what your gut is telling you, make Natalia your flower girl. Nta” – Driven_Metalhead
“It’s only going to hurt her feelings and become a big deal if the adults in her life make it so. If they can all keep their mouths shut she would never know the difference and just show up to the wedding like a regular person” – nowandlater
“My SIL got married and out of the 14 niblings, one got chosen for the wedding.”
“None of the other cared. Because at the end of the day, no one (their parents) made it a big deal. Kids can learn not always get what they want. Parents too.” – OneDiscipline3868
Others didn’t think it should be such a big deal to include her second niece.
“Yeah, I mean this should be a non-issue.”
“OP doesn’t describe Ivy as a total brat, just having an attitude. She’s 7 yo, unless she really does have terrible behavioral issues that require medication/treatment and therapy, my guess is she can walk down the aisle for like two minutes throwing flowers and wearing a cute dress.”
“And yep, it will make her feel unloved,a 7yo will realize something’s ‘wrong’.”
“And no, coming up with some other invented role to appease her and the whole family won’t solve it either, kids realize it’s a lie, they’re smart and they know.”
“Just… Let her be a flower girl. Is she really so terrible that she can’t manage two minutes walking down the aisle?” – whateverkitteh1988
“NAH. It’s your wedding and ultimately you get to decide who’s in it. At the same time, it’s understandable that your family is miffed about you choosing one niece and excluding another.”
“Your priority is putting on an ideal wedding; Ivy’s parents’ priority is looking out for their kid, who will certainly feel left out and excluded.”
“I will say that of all the weddings I’ve been to, I have zero recollection of any of the flower girls or whether they were smiling… but if a random little girl in the church was throwing a tantrum over NOT being the flower girl, I’d remember that.”
“Just some food for thought.” – Playful_Ad7130
A few agreed and gave suggestions for how she could do that.
“Have her hand out the mini bubbles before the ceremony, if she doesn’t do it then it isn’t too bad, but it gives her a fun job.” – AccountWasFound
“This! I passed out birdseed at a distant family member’s wedding as a kid, it was a blast” – RoutineMechanic
“Make her the manager in charge of seating lol” – ilovefurrybuns
But some argued back, stating how distasteful they think tantrums are.
“I disagree. Yes, it’s there ceremony and kids are cute and it’s not a big deal if they don’t walk down the aisle ‘perfectly’ – but consider all the other stuff that has to happen – getting ready before the wedding, and the wedding photos after the ceremony.”
“If Ivy doesn’t want to behave, or she’s going to have an attitude, those big, long parts of the day are going to be exhausting and draining, and ruin the fun for everyone if people are just trying to appease Ivy on someone else’s day.”
“Definitely see if there’s a way to involve her in the ceremony in a small symbolic way, but don’t involve her in all of the other stuff if it’s likely she can’t handle it.” – thebachelorbowl
“I disagree. It’s wouldn’t be funny or cute to have a screaming kid ruin you’re wedding right before the bride comes out.” – -LexyLuxy-
“This is a very teachable moment that Ivy’s parents are, unsurprisingly, squandering.”
“Ivy will have to learn eventually that her attitude will not get her far in life. Giving in and involving her in the wedding ‘bEcAuSe FaMiLy’ will only teach her that she can act up with impunity and never expect any consequences from family members.”
“Nothing about her behavior warrants a participation trophy or consolation prize. She’s ill-behaved and should start learning that it comes with certain consequences. Good behavior leads to better relationships with others which opens up doors to more attractive and prestigious opportunities. Just like in the real world.”
“Charity begins at home. Once she sees how Natalie is preferred for her good behavior she might start taking cues from her cousin in order to be included and considered for future events.”
“NTA OP.” – Luxynne
The Redditors were pretty divided on this one, but there’s one thing they all seem to agree on: it is the bride’s decision how she wants to spend her day. Hopefully she’ll find a balance she and her family can be happy with.