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Bride Wonders If She’d Be Wrong To Tell Her Fiancé His Ex Can’t Come To Their Wedding

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Ah, yes, wedding planning.

Now that many places are opening up after vaccination milestones have been reached, the idea of the big wedding is back with all of its joy and potential pitfalls.

One possible point of contention is the guest list. Who should and shouldn’t be invited?

Finding herself with a different opinion than her fiancé, a 28-year-old bride to be wonders if she’s wrong. Unable to decide, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to pose a “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question.

Redditor anony2024 asked:

“WIBTA for saying no to my fiancé wanting to invite his ex girlfriend (gf) to our wedding?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My fiancé David (32) and I (28, female) have been engaged for a bit and have finally sat down to make our wedding guest list. He wants to invite his ex gf Anna (30).”

“For context, Anna and him dated for a few months about a year before he met me. While it was brief, she was apparently super into him.”

“She had had a crush on him since high school, but never got the chance to be together. After college, they ended up working at the same company.”

“They were together for a few months before David broke it off.”

“She was very upset by this and tried to win him back several times until he finally put his foot down telling her they were done.”

“She backed off, but they have remained friends since then. I’ll be honest, I don’t like that they’re friends, but he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.”

“I’m not going to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with.”

“I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve met this woman over the course of our 3 year relationship. I have no reason to dislike her personally, but I have no desire to be friends with someone who my fiancé was sleeping with.”

“It makes me uncomfortable, feel awkward, and I’d rather not hang out with her, let alone have her at our wedding.”

“I told David I wasn’t thrilled about inviting her, and he said I was being immature.”

“That we are all adults and Anna is a good friend to him and it would hurt her feelings not to be invited.”

“I see his perspective, but I just don’t think it’s appropriate to have an ex at your wedding. We discussed it, and in the end, he said if I really didn’t want her there, he wouldn’t invite her.”

“I keep going back and forth on what to do.”

“So Reddit, WIBTA for saying no?”

The OP added:

“As far as I’m aware, she’s only been platonic. I have 0 reason to believe any form of infidelity is going on and I trust my fiancé 100%.”

“I will fully admit to being insecure. I don’t know where it stems from as I’ve had 0 issues with my fiancé on if he’s faithful to me or not (I know he is).”

“That of course just raises more questions about why I’m feeling this way and what’s causing it.”

“I don’t know the exact timeline from when they stopped dated to when he met me but I think it was about a year. Not trying to be murky on time line, I just genuinely don’t know.”

“I’ve not hung out with her enough to get a feel for who she really is, I only have what my fiancé says about her (which he doesn’t talk about her very much).”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided OP would not be the a**hole.

“NTA. ‘We’re all adults’. Really?”

“Then why would you be so childish about trying to bring an ex girlfriend to your wedding?”

“Your wedding is about you and your new family. Not about ‘a good friend’ who probably secretly never got over you.”

“I wouldn’t even want my ex girlfriend at my wedding. I would know it would make my wife uncomfortable (for obvious reasons), and that would make me uncomfortable.” ~ Beneficial_Ad_1435

“NTA. OP, maybe spell it out for him?”

“‘Fiancé, you may be over her and clearly since you broke up with her then it’s over for you but she loved you since high school and was devastated when you broke it off. She begged multiple times for you to take her back’.”

“‘Women don’t just get over men that they crush on for so long. They hang around being a friend and hoping for more, that if she is around long enough then you will see that she is really good enough for you and love will blossom again’.”

“‘I feel like this is what is happening with her. I am not saying you can’t see her if she is an important friend to you but as your wife to be I am telling you that I am not comfortable having her there on our wedding day’.”

“‘This isn’t someone who mutually decided that your relationship had run its course and having her watch us get married, dragging up emotions for her and making me uncomfortable will not make our wedding day enjoyable. I am asking respectfully that you please not invite her on this occasion’.”

“If he digs in his heels then please think hard about why he is doing this. Why he is placing this ‘friend’ above his bride?”

“What does he get from it? Adoration, attention, emotional cheating, take your pick.”

“Even if this friend is over him, her behaviour prior to and after their relationship says she really loved him and my feeling is that she’s hanging on hoping he will ‘see her as the One’.”

“You’ve been generous not asking him to choose before but it’s totally reasonable to not have her at your wedding.” ~ Lulubelle__007

“You’re so right. I was Anna. Had a crush on a guy in HS, reconnected in my late 20’s and I was obsessed.”

“Wasn’t smart enough to give it space. 3yrs of being a psycho I finally took a step back.”

“We remained friends-ish, but when he got married a few months back I did not expect to be invited and I wasn’t.”

“That’s just not how it works. 100% NTA.” ~ MrHobbes14

“NTA.”

“Spots on the guest list are usually limited. Rather than dwell on their past relationship, I’d focus on that.”

“This is someone you basically don’t know at all, other than your fiancé’s unflattering description of her not respecting his boundaries and backing off only when threatened with no contact.”

“She makes you uncomfortable. Why take up a spot on the guest list with someone the bride doesn’t know and who makes her uncomfortable?”

“Let him know there are also people you aren’t inviting for the same reason—he doesn’t know them and they aren’t important to him. It would be awkward for him to have strangers who aren’t relatives at his wedding.”

“This woman is basically a stranger to you that you’ll never be comfortable around because your fiancé described as someone he quickly broke things off with who didn’t take no for an answer.”

“Great that he was able to forgive a coworker and be friends with them, but that doesn’t mean she belongs at your wedding.”

“And it’s being very mature to trust him 100% and not be upset about the friendship.”

“But having her take up space on your guest list is too much to ask any reasonable person.”

“Also, if she’s such a great friend, why does it seem there’s been zero effort on her or your fiancé’s part to get to know you? They’ve been good friends for years, but she’s still a relative stranger to you?

“If she merited a wedding invitation, she should be at least on casual terms with his longterm girlfriend soon-to-be wife.” ~ LakotaGrl

“NTA, your wedding is likely to be a super emotional day for you and you don’t feel comfortable with this person. You get a say in who attends, and it’s OK to say no to this.”

“This is one of your boundaries you are asking your husband to respect.”

“If you feel like you can put their relationship behind you, then great, send the invite, but if you are going to look at the photos forever and hate that she was there, then don’t invite her.”

“It’s not a big day for her.” ~ Redditor

“And if it IS a big day for her that’s kind of part of the problem?” ~ Creative-Training175

“NTA— this was his ex, someone who chased him relentlessly and doesn’t seem to have gotten over him romantically. He knows it and probably likes the attention.”

“It’s your wedding so the list should be agreed upon. This doesn’t sound like a healthy way to start a marriage.” ~ Looking-for-advice30

“I can imagine she will have a lot of compliments for him when he’s all dressed up…” ~ PurpleStegosaur

“I mean, my SO and I invited exes on both sides to the wedding. I personally don’t care and think it’s great to be friends with exes.”

“However, you both have to be comfortable with the guest list and if you don’t consider this person a friend, then don’t invite them.”

“As long as you aren’t trying to control their friendship otherwise, this is just one event she’s not invited to.” ~ 78october

“I think in your head the main thing you know about her is that after her and your fiancé’s break up she tried hard to get him back. Then they became friends but since he doesn’t talk about her much and you’ve barely met her that’s presumably a rather vague thing in your head.”

“So even though they’ve been purely platonic friends for much longer than they were together, the image you have of her is focused on the clearest piece of information you know about her.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to think she’ll try anything, but you understandably don’t have a clear idea of who she is and your brain is reminding you of one of the only things you know.”

“Maybe you could get to know her a bit as your fiancé’s friend? Meet up with her, hang out.”

“Get your own image of who she actually is. It will either give you piece of mind or reinforce your feelings, but regardless you’ll have given it a shot.”

“Regardless of her being his ex, she’s a part of your fiancé’s current life and he wants his friend there. The least you can do is get to know her and take it from there.” ~ blakexsays

“So why didn’t this happen years ago when the OP and Dave started dating?”

“Why does she have to reach out? If Anna and Dave had included OP in their friendship, she’d probably have an invite or no longer be friends with Dave.”

“Instead, he’s kept Anna as a separate part of his life. If she was such a great friend, she wouldn’t be a stranger to his fiancée.” ~ LakotaGrl

“I think Ex’s under certain circumstances can remain friend but in this situation, the ex seemed to take the break up not so well and tried to win him back several times. That’s all the OP knows about Anna.”

“If it was a mutual break up where they both went their separate ways but decided to remain friendly, sure.”

“Trying to win back an ex repeatedly makes me think that she’s holding out hope and is remaining friends but still has feelings.” ~ Life_with_lemonz

“I would be wondering and exploring why if she’s such a friend that she needs inviting, you haven’t hung out with her much.”

“If it were just a long ago ex who had moved on and y’all were mutual friends I would say no big deal. If she is being invited as a coworker, with a whole bunch of other coworkers, maybe no big deal.”

“It’s the break up/pursuit of him that seems a bigger deal, and I would want to be absolutely sure she’s not interested and had appropriately moved on.” ~ Creative-Training175

While the OP didn’t provide an update with her decision, the majority of Redditors felt this ex was OK to leave off the guest list.

If her husband wants Anna to be part of his life, he and Anna need to include his wife in their friendship too.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metis Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. She considers herself another proud Maineiac.