Most people dream of the day they finally get married, and sharing the moment with all of their nearest and dearest.
Of course, sometimes fate takes an unexpected turn, and not everyone you hoped to be there will be able to attend.
Which can sadly include one’s parents.
Redditor Designer-Pay8281 was sad to learn her parents wouldn’t be in attendance, despite both of them being alive and well.
The original poster (OP)’s sister offered a solution to include their parents in the celebration, but it was a solution the OP was not eager to partake in.
Wondering if her decision was selfish, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to have an intimate reception with mine & my fiancé’s parents after MY parents decided they will not attend our wedding?”
The OP first expressed how hurt she was her parents made the choice not to attend her wedding.
“Me and my boyfriend will get married this year and my parents will not attend it.”
“For context, I’m the youngest child and I have six more siblings.”
“So here’s the story, my oldest sister is abroad for more than half her life, I don’t even remember most of our time together because I was really small when she left.”
“About 2 years ago, she decided she’ll invite our parents there for a 2 year vacation.”
“To be fair to her and my parents, this was planned even before my bf proposed to me.”
“We were actively making a way for my parents to be there at our wedding, but I keep noticing these not so subtle remarks from my mom of how excited she is already to go to my sister which evidently will result to them missing our wedding.”
“She’s even throwing out relatives’ names of who alternatively can walk me down the aisle which really offended me at the time but I kept my mouth shut.”
“I tried to ignore those and still hoping they’ll make it to our day.”
“This week their VISA were approved and mind you, they, my oldest sister and parents, can ultimately choose to fly next year but they decided to push through with it before our wedding which really broke my heart, but they didn’t hear a word from me.”
“I was still supportive.”
“Even though it shattered me knowing my dad won’t even walk me down the aisle.”
“I joked to him once about it and he said he really wanted to, but my mom and oldest sister are the ones deciding and he’s just going along with it.”
“I guess my oldest sister doesn’t really think it is THAT important to me to have my own parents at my wedding.”
“After all, she barely knows me if I’m being honest.”
Another sister of the OP offered a suggestion which would include their parents in the wedding in a manner of speaking, but the OP was less than inclined to go along with this plan.
“Now here’s where I might be the AH.”
“My 2nd & 3rd oldest sister are insisting we do an intimate reception to accommodate my parents because they will, obviously, miss our wedding, but I repeatedly refused to do it.”
“I told them we no longer have funds to do that because we are saving what we have for our big day.”
“They said don’t worry about it, they’ll handle it, but I still refused and told them I don’t think it is necessary.”
“In my mind why would I do that if they can’t even make a way to attend our wedding even though they clearly have a choice.”
“To make it even more heartbreaking for me, while we were discussing who will walk me down the aisle, my oldest brother and sister didn’t want to do it either because they said it’ll make them look ‘old’.”
“I cried about that for days.”
“I think I might be the AH because why would I not want a small gathering to accommodate my parents?”
“But I’m also thinking, why am I the only one who always needs to adjust?”
“Isn’t this supposed to be special to me and my partner?”
“Why is it about them now?”
“I guess I’m just really resentful right now to all of them because they don’t care about my feelings enough to see I’m hurting.”
“I have NEVER asked them for anything.”
“I just want them to at least show they care.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Generally, everyone agreed the OP was under no obligation to accommodate her parents, but many felt that she could have handled it better.
Most agreed since her parents refused to adjust their vacation to attend her wedding, the OP was under no obligation to accommodate them.
“It would be one thing to ask you to plan around a previously booked 2-week trip, but they are going away for two years.”
“It’s crazy to ask you to put your life on hold for a two year holiday.”
“If it is that important to them, they can come home for one weekend out of those two years.”
“You do you and make your plans that best fit you.”
“I’m sorry that no one in your family really cares about you.”
“Be a strong in dependent woman and walk yourself down the aisle.”
“You don’t need anyone to give you away, the already left you by the curb.”- evelbug
“If your parents want to meet your SO’s parents, they can come to the damn wedding.”
“And shame on your dad for allowing your mom and sister to prevent him from doing something he stated he wanted to do for you.”
“Tell your other siblings exactly that and then tell them to drop it already, because you’re already hurt enough by the situation as it stands.”- jammy913
“Do what YOU want.”
“Why should you accommodate any of these people at YOUR wedding.”- DoNotWeepAtMyGrave
“They aren’t even trying.”
“There is this thing called plane, it carries peoples across countries for whenever they want to go to their child’s wedding and spend a week there, and then go back.”- tatasz
“It doesn’t appear your parents are even trying to make an effort to attend your wedding.”-ShiloX35
Others, however, felt that the OP needed to be honest with her parents, and express how hurt she was by their decision.
“But I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors not being honest that you’re hurt about all this.”
“Tell them it sucks that no one wants to walk you down the aisle.”
“Tell them you’re tired of being the one who always has to be accommodating.”
“Tell them you don’t expect it to change anything, but they don’t get to keep pretending they have no idea it’s not okay with you, and if they keep ignoring you and your feelings anyway, you’re going to take that into account the next time they do happen to want something from you.”- mm172
“Your parents are huge AHs for not even trying to be present for your wedding da when they have the opportunity to do that.”
“What kind of parents would be so apathetic towards their child getting married?”
“And your siblings not wanting to take you down the aisle bc it will make them look old…wtf?”
“Sorry to say that but you have a very selfish and unsupportive family.”
“However you should be more verbal about your disappointment.”
“Your family act like they don’t care because you let them treat you like a second-class citizen.”-XX_bot77
“This was so frustrating to read.”
“Otherwise you’re going to end up lashing out and then you WILL be the AH.”
“Tell them how much they’re hurting you.”
“If they still do it, they’re AHs.”
“But right now they think you’re perfectly fine with what they’re doing bc you never told them otherwise.”
“Should it be obvious?”
“But you going along with it this whole time and not standing up for yourself makes them think you don’t care so they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.”
“At the same time…I would be really hurt if I had to even tell my parents that I want them at my wedding.”
“It would hurt that they wouldn’t WANT to be there in the first place.”
“Obviously NTA but learn to tell people how you feel, respectfully.”- Ceecee_soup
It’s hard to imagine any parents who wouldn’t make their child’s wedding a priority.
Considering how little care they expressed towards the OP about missing her wedding, it’s difficult to find an argument which justifies her accommodating them.
But one hopes she does share how much they hurt her, in this instance and likely many others.
Otherwise, this could be a pattern which will continue with no end in sight.