It’s really hard to be civil and stay positive around someone who blatantly doesn’t like you.
Never mind if they were supposed to be involved on your wedding day, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy_Kangaroo_7890 found herself in a tough position when her fiancé wanted one of his friends to be included in their wedding party.
But because his friend did not like the future bride very much, the Original Poster (OP) felt like she had no good options to pick from.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting my partner’s best friend’s input on my wedding or to include her as a bridesmaid in our wedding?”
It was clear to the OP that her future husband’s best friend did not like her.
“My (29 Female) partner J (31 Male) wants me to include his best friend H (36f) as a bridesmaid in our wedding.”
“H and I used to get along a couple of years ago but she told J that she doesn’t like me a while back.”
“I have never been rude to H and I am always polite and civil when she is over especially for J’s sake because I know that H is one of J’s closest friends.”
“I still talk to her, say hi and bye, but I do not class her as a friend, especially when she is polite to me but will talk about me, saying how she doesn’t like me behind my back.”
There was an unfortunate reason for that, involving the OP’s fiancé.
“My partner and I were going through a rough patch a while back and all he did was badmouth me to her while when I talked about it, I also said the good stuff about him to my friends.”
“Apparently, she has never really liked me. I have always been civil and said my opinions straight out.”
“I have never hidden anything, and anything I have to say about anyone, I will tell them to their face.”
The couple disagreed about H’s involvement in the wedding.
“J and I recently got engaged and we are currently fighting because he wants H to be a bridesmaid in our wedding, but I don’t want her to be.”
“I don’t want someone to have an opinion and be part of my hens night, especially if she doesn’t like me, because I want our wedding and the time leading up to it to be drama-free, and I know it will just cause drama having someone who doesn’t like me as part of my bridal party.”
“He’s suggesting she have input on how to do my hair, and the dresses, and the nails, etc., because I have asked for my friend’s input on helping chose a style because I was stuck between a few options.”
“J keeps insisting to get H’s opinions and not my friends who I want as a part of my wedding party and he keeps getting angry and treating me like I am the a**hole for this.”
The OP tried to compromise with her partner.
“I have told J that if he wants her opinion, he should make her a part of his wedding party, but he won’t.”
“I then said we could possibly wait until closer to the wedding date to see if H and I become friends again, but I honestly don’t feel as if that will happen.”
“I am starting to feel a bit like an a**hole because it is his wedding as well, and maybe I should just put up with it for his sake.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
The OP added a note to clarify their relationship.
“Also, there is nothing between them and there has never been anything between them. They are more like brother and sister, and she is in a happy relationship of her own.”
“It’s more because he doesn’t have very many friends because he isn’t a sociable person, and he wants her to feel girly and be included instead of being stuck with the boys.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the boyfriend didn’t value his future wife’s feelings enough.
“NTA. But it sounds like J values H’s feelings more than he does yours. Are you certain there is nothing romantic there?”
“The sudden turnaround of H being friendly to ‘not liking’ you also seems like maybe you were fine when things were casual, but she got jealous once you and J got serious.”
“If he’s going to stress you out about your wedding by prioritizing his bestie, this sets the tone for your entire marriage. Are you sure you want to be second best to your husband and his ‘girlfriend’?” – VixenNoire
“Why is it okay for his best friend to talk s**t about his future wife? I personally would not continue a relationship much less marry someone who allows the best bud to talk shit about the future spouse.”
“If you cave here, you will spend the next ten years angry and resentful of your husband and next ten years dropping off kids to co-parent with them (ex-husband and his bestie).” – moodyfish7777
“Does he know she’s been saying stuff about his partner? Because that’s total crap if he knows she’s talking shit about her and is still good friends with her let alone pushing for her to be a bridesmaid!”
“I have a male best friend and I’m on good terms with his girlfriend… but I just wouldn’t want to be in her bridal party or expect to be. That’s her choice and for her close friends and family. If he insisted on it I’d give him a slap around the head and tell him to hush.”
“Does H know he’s been pushing it? Does she even want to be a bridesmaid?”
“Is she the one pushing it and giving him a hard time as a power play over the fiancée, the ‘look he still clearly values me over you, I’m more important’ ploy?” – RepresentativeGur250
“It doesn’t even have to be romantic for there to be that jealous angle. Some people just hate it when they aren’t someone’s number 1 priority.”
“This should be something people leave behind as they grow up because they learn that they cannot be possessive over people, but some people are still stuck in it.”
“I remember being 13 and in a friend group of 3 and one person had to be our best friend, we couldn’t be each other’s.” – SiameseCats3
“Yeah, this isn’t off to a good start. I am telling you, the only person I am second best to in my husband’s life is our kids.” – Lonely_Shelter_4744
Others pointed out that the bride could choose who to include on her side of the party.
“Does anyone else think it’s alarming that he wants H to have input on hair and dress and makeup styles for YOUR wedding day?”
“More like, he wants HIS input, given to you THROUGH H so that when you come down the aisle, you’ll look EXACTLY like his vision of what his dream bride would look like.
“This is the very beginning of him manipulating you, the red flags are waving loud and clear. You should reevaluate your relationship.” – alphaowlboy
“OP suggested that but he’s refusing to have H on his side. He wants H to feel more girly and not stuck with the boys.”
“OP, this is a hill to die on. H openly admitted to not liking you. She doesn’t get to be all buddy-buddy now because she’s your fiancé’s bestie and wants to be part of your wedding.”
“If she is so important to him, she should be deemed important enough to stand on his side at the alter. If he wants H to convey his opinions to you, he should be mature enough to communicate his desires to his wife-to-be, not through a third person.”
“A wedding party is supposed to consist of your nearest and dearest friends. Being a bridesmaid or groomsman is not a role you give just because nor is it meant to be a bonding activity to repair a friendship.”
“The people standing by your side have bonded with you and adding a frenemy to the mix will do more harm than good.”
“NTA. H can kick rocks.” – Shankasaursrex
“NTA. Sure, it’s his wedding too. However, she is HIS friend, not yours. Honestly, what kind of partner would do this? Trying to convince their so to have a person that doesn’t care about them to be their bridesmaid.”
“Op, your partner truly doesn’t sound kind from this and it sounds like a big deal. He’s keeping a friend that talks badly of you and forces them on you.”
“He’s not respecting any of your boundaries. I suggest you reflect on your relationship as an entirety, how he actually treats you? Reflect and don’t make excuses for him. Loving people don’t need to be excused for their behavior all the time.”
“I hope things will go well for you!” – basic_wannabe
“I don’t understand why he won’t just include her in his wedding party as OP suggested.”
“I’m a woman and was a groomswoman in one of my best friend’s wedding party because while I get along with his wife, I’m his friend and am only friends with her through him.” – fzyflwrchld
“NTA, for this reason: the bride determines who is part of the bride’s side of the wedding. The groom’s side is for the groom to determine.”
“If he wants to invite her as one of his ushers or his best (wo)man, that’s his business, but he doesn’t get to tell you who you have to include as a bridesmaid. Just out of curiosity, what did he say about her saying she doesn’t like you?” – Far_Anteater_256
While the subReddit could understand the boyfriend wanting to have his friend at his wedding, it didn’t make sense for him to force his future wife to be closer to her, especially since she already admitted she didn’t like the bride.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster and an unfortunate wedding day.