Appearances can be deceiving.
We all know this but sometimes we just can’t help it.
The biker sitting alone in the corner of the bar looks scary, the librarian looks knowledgeable and kind.
What happens when the person being judged is family but the person doing the judging is also family?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) FILisBLEH when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for having my sister as my MOH (maid of honor)?”
She began with the background.
“I’m getting married, and I only have one sibling, and that’s my older sister.”
“There are just 15 months between us, so we are close.”
Before getting into the issue itself.
“My fiance’s father (FIL from this point on) hates my sister. He’s only met her in person once.”
“My sister’s job is in marketing and promotions. So her Instagram and social media looks like she’s always partying.”
“The thing is, that’s her job.”
“When she’s off work, she’s usually just a chill person. She’s in a Monogamous relationship with her fiance. He’s a DJ, so his social media looks crazy too.”
“My FIL and some of my fiancé’s family judge them.”
” ‘All they do is a party.’ And they think of them as bad influences on my marriage.”
“My FIL doesn’t want my sister to be MOH (Maid of Honor). He wants his daughter to be MOH.”
“My sister and my family would be hurt.”
“I don’t care if my sister has pink hair.”
“My sister and her boyfriend are very financially well off. It’s stupid to judge them based on their work persona and think their Instagram is their everyday life.”
“Also, my sister has 2 bachelor’s degrees and is working towards her master’s.”
“It’s stupid to judge her by her Instagram.”
“I’m not backing down, and my fiancé’s family is hateful over the MOH situation.”
“I feel like if my fiancé can’t back me up, we need to either elope or call off our wedding.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:NTA
Some offered OP options.
“Present them three possibilities OP:”
“Everyone accepts your sister will the MoH.”
“Fiancé doesn’t support and accept your decision so the wedding is canceled.”
“FiL doesn’t support and accept your decision so he is uninvited from the wedding.” ~ DimiBlue
Others pointed out the problematic nature of MIL’s request.
“The entitlement is crazy.”
“It’s her wedding, not his.”
“She can invite whoever she wants – FIL has no say, and rightfully so.”
“Fiancé needs to have OP’s back on this, or FIL will just keep stomping on their boundaries.” ~ GoodGirlsGrace
Fiance did not escape judgment.
“I get the feeling Fiancé has probably been dealing with various shades of this behaviour from his dad his whole life and has generally come to the conclusion that it is easier just to avoid getting into arguments with him about stuff.”
“Not to say he shouldn’t be setting boundaries with dad and being more strict in how he deals with this sh*t, especially when it affects the person he’s going to marry.”
“But I can see why it might be a drastic and slightly terrifying change if you’ve spent your life tip-toeing around the more unreasonable behaviour” ~ spoinking
The importance of boundaries was brought up.
“Both you and your fiancé need to be WAY more explicit with him.”
“The second he starts talking about your sister’s post, ‘Stop, you don’t know my sister and the amount of time you spend stalking her social media is quite frankly, extremely disturbing.’ “
” ‘I don’t give a sh*t what you think of my family, but if I hear one more complaint about My family members or MY wedding, you won’t be invited and you also won’t be meeting any children we have in the future, so I suggest you check yourself.’ ”
“Your fiancé should go directly to his dad and say ‘you need to stop talking sh*t about OP’s sister.’ ”
” ‘What she does has no bearing on your life. Who is in our wedding party is not your decision. You need to stay in your own lane and keep your mouth shut, or I’ll make sure you’re never around OP again.’ “ ~ PanicAtTheGaslight
As was the responsibility of the position.
“It is so important that your MOH is someone you can rely on when the day comes.”
“The role of the MOH is to take care of you and handle situations that you, as the one in the big dress everyone wants to see, can’t get to.”
“Our MOH abandoned us all day to get high because ‘she was stressed’.”
“We only saw her for the ceremony before she promptly disappeared.”
“Do not pick your MOH to humour anyone.”
“It’s a job, not a prize ribbon.” ~Tilly_ontheWald
There were also concerns about what the future holds.
“NTA – you can’t blame your future in-laws for thinking they’re heavy partiers, considering that’s the lifestyle they project through their social media, but last time I checked, it was up to you, the bride* who your Maid of Honor is, not FIL.”
“Might want to consider disinviting him and/or anyone else kicking up a fuss, because if they’re acting ‘hateful’ now, who knows what kind of bs they’d pull on the actual day?”
“Also…”
” ‘I feel like if my fiancé can’t back me up, we need to either elope or call off our wedding.’ “
“You didn’t really say what your fiancé’s reaction to all of this is, but I think you’re right; if they can’t/won’t back you up on this, then what would it be like when you’re actually married?”
“What if FIL/MIL throw a fit about where you choose to live, your kids, etc?”
“Would your opinion be the one they consider.. or their parent’s?” ~ harderthanitlooks27
Judging a person by their social media account is as useful as judging someone by their t-shirt.
It can be a helpful insight, but rarely gives you a full picture.
Be aware of the image you project, certainly, but always remember to put firm boundaries on anyone who tries to choose your opinions for you.