Weddings can be large, lavish affairs or simple courthouse ceremonies or destination based.
Each one partially dictates the guest list options.
The first limits the number of attendees only by venue size and local fire/safety occupancy restrictions. Get married in the Staples Center, and you can invite 20,000 of your closest friends.
The second is generally attended by the ones exchanging vows, the officiant, and a witness or two. Some courthouses may accommodate a handful of guests, but some don’t.
The last one is all about location, location, location. Who can attend is greatly influenced by who can actually get there financially and physically.
A sibling who planned a very small, very remote wedding turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their brother wanted to expand the guest list.
M_abbatello asked:
“AITA for not letting my brother invite his new girlfriend and her son to my wedding at the last minute?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve been planning my outdoor Colorado mountainside wedding—literally on the side of a mountain—for a year and it’s happening in just two weeks. Only 9 people are invited and our intent was always to have a private and intimate ceremony.”
“The family that is coming are flying in from out of state and we RARELY get everyone together like this. Our parents—who are older and unable to handle the physical demands of our venue—and closest friends aren’t invited, but they will be coming to our reception back home a few months from now.”
“The guests are supposed to be my two brothers with one brother’s wife and their three kids and my partner’s brother, his wife, and one kid. With my single childless brother, that’s nine guests total.”
“Our brothers have been our closest confidants. We’ve also been together for 14 years, so we’re really only having this ceremony for ourselves.”
“Our parents are wonderful, but we simply wanted a very intimate and private ceremony. We’ll be hosting a reception back home in Connecticut for 50-75 people.”
“We have a house rented for a week, private chef hired, and everything is paid by headcount. We’re so excited to host everyone and have an entire week of family time planned.”
“My single brother, who is 42, started dating someone less than a month ago. He came to me last week telling me she would be coming to the wedding.”
“When I told him no, his response was, ‘if she can’t go, then I won’t go’ and offered to share his food with her. It was still a hard no. But feeling forced to compromise, we agreed that she could come after the ceremony, which he appreciated.”
“Now, he is saying that the girl is planning an outing for a day to take my other brother and his kids out to get to know this girl AND she wants to bring her 8-year-old son to the house rental.”
“Our other brother doesn’t live locally near our home in Connecticut, so my brother is seizing the opportunity of my wedding to have our other brother and his family meet this girl and her son.”
“I again tell him no and said it’s inappropriate for a young boy to meet our family after they just started dating less than a MONTH ago.”
“The only grace I will give my brother is that he hasn’t been dating or been in a relationship for several years. So he’s very excited and I’m very happy that he’s happy, but… I can’t wrap my head around how he feels entitled to this.”
“He completely disagrees with me and is making me feel like I’m the one being rude and unreasonable.”
“So let’s hear it Reddit. Am I The Asshole?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I want to be judged for telling my brother that he cannot bring his new girlfriend and her son to my wedding.”
“There’s a part of me that feels like telling him ‘no’ limits him celebrating and sharing his new ‘love’ interest, that he’s obviously very excited and proud about.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Tell him if you didn’t include your parents or close friends, then you can’t include new girlfriends and children that you have never met before. It’s opening a can of worms for other people to be upset that they weren’t invited.”
“Because of how intimate you were trying to keep it, but then you go and allow two extra people to go that you don’t even know. If he refuses to come, then that’s on him, not you.” ~ fluffyfeather80
“NTA. You never should’ve caved because he’s living proof of the saying ‘give an inch, take a mile’.”
“I’d tell him that this has become too much for you, and it’s better to go back to the original plan.” ~ Wanda_McMimzy
“You are NTA, and I think you’ve gotten yourself into a pickle by not holding your ground.”
“I do find it unusual that your parents and closest friends are not invited to your micro wedding.”
“In any case, I think you need to call your brother and tell him that you’ve realized that it will not work out for him to bring his girlfriend and that you understand and accept that he will not be attending.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“Call him right away and inform him you’ve thought about it and realize you don’t want his new girlfriend and her son at your wedding or at your home the day of. You hope he can understand why, and you hope to see him there.”
“Don’t really get into the weeds of why unless you want to elaborate that this was always meant to be a small, intimate ceremony. Anything else he will have an argument for.”
“If you tell him soon, he may calm down enough to attend. Maybe she will come to her senses, too.” ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
“NTA. She’s already introduced her boyfriend of only a month to her kid—from what I’ve read, most single parents like to wait at least six months—and now wants to take him to OP’s wedding despite never even having met them. She’s not reasonable.” ~ AllegraO
“Exactly, the girlfriend sounds like a red flag. Wanting OP’s brother to meet her child after only one month of dating and now attend his sibling’s wedding, whom she hasn’t even met yet.”
“She is going way too fast in this relationship. Any normal person would 1) wait at least 6 months before introducing their kids to a new partner, and 2) not want to impose on someone else’s wedding, whom they haven’t even met beforehand.” ~ jackb6ii
“Sounds like girlfriend, a stranger to OP, wants to ruin the wedding for OP. Who drags their kid to someone’s wedding, when they don’t even know the person, weren’t invited, and then demands to take the other brother and family members away for some day long excursion?”
“I would uninvite the brother, but I’m sure he will crash with the girlfriend and her kid anyway, and demand they be accommodated.”
“I lived at high altitude, and most weddings up in the mountains were small, because many can’t go to high altitude, let alone travel there for the wedding.”
“OP is having a reception where the parents live, and I bet brother and whoever he’s dating then will cause issues for that too. NTA.” ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
“NTA. I have food in my fridge older than his relationship. He shouldn’t be pushing for an invite for a plus one to a micro family-only wedding.” ~ CrystalQueen3000
“NTA. When he first threatened to not attend, you should have simply replied, ‘I’m sorry. We’ll miss you’.”
“You’d have been spared all of this escalation. With under a month dating her, he seems to be treating this as if they’d been living together for years. This is rather a lot of undue rush.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“It’s honestly insane he even threatened that. If my sibling didn’t attend my wedding because I refused to allow them to bring their partner of less than a month and that partner’s kid… I would never forget that. We wouldn’t have much of a relationship after that.” ~ Bice_thePrecious
“My brother-in-law called me to demand we change my wedding date. ‘We’ll miss you,’ I replied. Silence. Drama over before he could get it started.” ~ Hari_om_tat_sat
“I’m majorly side eyeing this woman. After a month she shouldn’t have introduced her child to a random man, let alone bring him to a family wedding and stay at lodging for family. I hope her child is okay.”
“Do not let girlfriend or son be in any pictures. When they break up, he’ll be trying to stop you from displaying your wedding photos if she’s included. I would’ve probably told him to kick rocks, they couldn’t come regardless. NTA.” ~ fancyandfab
“NTA, BUT… a lot of people are laying this all at the feet of the girlfriend, but isn’t it odd to anyone that the 42-year-old brother who hasn’t dated for years finds a girlfriend with a kid just in time for the wedding?”
“I think the guest list—wedding couple together for 14 years, other brother with a wife and family and partner’s brother with a wife and family and single dude in his 40s—bummed him out or made him self-conscious.”
“I think talking to him about why a brand new relationship is worth skipping his sibling’s wedding might get to the heart of the issue. I think he just doesn’t want to be the odd man out, sticking out like a sore thumb.”
“Then tell him they’re welcome to come to the reception, but it’s only causing unnecessary drama and hurt feelings to include a couple of strangers at your intimate family wedding.”
“If he threatens to skip again, tell him that’s 100% his choice to put a brand new relationship before his family. He knew you were getting married and knew your plans to keep it to family before they even started dating.”
“If he wants to irreparably damage his relationship with you, your partner, and the rest of your family for this brand new relationship, he’ll have to live with the consequences of his actions.” ~ LakotaGrl
Whatever the brother’s or his girlfriend’s motivations, it’s throwing a major wrench into OP’s already set wedding plans.
For a ceremony that even the parents and no friends are invited, insisting a stranger be allowed to attend is absurd.