Everyone wants to feel special.
While not all of us want to be the center of attention, we all want to be acknowledged.
Birthdays, weddings, and graduations are all days where we put ourselves aside and applaud someone else.
What happens though when we feel that the person being celebrated is being unduly indulgent?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwra_tiara when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for letting my daughter wear a tiara to my cousin’s wedding?”Â
OP began with the setup.
“My (32 female) daughter Chloe (4f) has a fascination with princesses.”
“She loves the color pink, wears only dresses, and has an array of tiaras she wears everywhere except at pre-school where she can’t (but she does have it in her backpack).”
“My cousin 33 male ‘Alex’ (fake names) invited us to his wedding, which was this past Saturday.”
“Chloe was excited because she got to dress up and stay dressed up the entire time. She also couldn’t wait to see the bride’s dress.”
“She asked if she could wear her princess tiara and I said of course.”
“We got to the wedding on time.”
Everything was fine, until…
“However, the start time was delayed for unknown reasons.”
“15 minutes after it was supposed to start, one of the bridesmaids came out and told me that the bride Jen (31f) was refusing to come out because my daughter was wearing a tiara.”
“I thought she was joking but she wasn’t. Apparently, the bride was also wearing a tiara and wanted to be the only one wearing it.”
“I told the bridesmaid that Chloe loves tiaras and always wears them. The bridesmaid said ‘not today she isn’t’ and told me it needed to be removed.”
“I said no. The bride is a grown woman and was being petty over a child’s tiara.”
“The bridesmaid left for a couple minutes and then Alex himself came out.”
“He told me to leave. I asked why and he said because I won’t tell Chloe to take off her tiara.”
“I said this was ridiculous and Alex said it’s not my wedding and when I get married then Chloe can wear one to mine, but that I’m officially uninvited regardless.”
“Others around me told me to just take it off and I wouldn’t. Alex’s mom came over and escorted us out.”
“Chloe was upset and crying because she feels she did something wrong and I’m upset because I can’t believe someone would be jealous over a literal 4-year-old.”
“I also feel bad because Chloe was really looking forward to seeing Jen’s dress because she loves wedding dresses. But literally, no one is on my side.”
OP was left to wonder.
“AITA?”
“Edit: someone asked if my cousin has a mental illness. I said no but the bride has Aspergers and they said that’s important for you all to know.”
Having explained the situation, she turned the situation over to Reddit for some outside thoughts.Â
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some pointed out that this was just bad behavior.
“If OP were to bother to look at the photos of the last few royal weddings, she would notice that not even the Queen is wearing a tiara. Only the bride is wearing a tiara.”
“It’s very, very bad manners to wear a tiara to someone else’s wedding. It doesn’t matter status or age.”
“It’s really, really rude.”
“OPS statement about her daughter wanting to be a princess and her other comments show this was about her daughter wanting to be the center of attention.”
“If it were just a kid in a tiara that happened to be there, that’s one thing.”
“It’s clear to me that OP and her daughter wanted attention.”
“At the core, this is about OP and her daughter wanted the kid to be the focus and to feel special on what should be someone else’s special day.”
“Congrats, OP, your rudeness likely will forever taint the memory of that day for the entire family.”
“Instead of apologizing, you are doubling down.”
“If your intentions were good or even neutral, you’d be embarrassed and apologize even if you thought you did nothing wrong.”
“Your intentions were not good.” ~ Atty_Aveline
Others were concerned for Chloe’s future.
“Chloe is stuck with this story now too.”
“Like the rest of the family will forever associate this ridiculousness with Chloe even though it’s OP’s fault.”
“Maybe it becomes a cute story they all laugh about but if op keeps parenting as they are and Chloe grows up thinking that every event and opportunity revolves around them, the mockery will be endless.” ~ MountainBean3479
Some offered ideas on how to mitigate the situation.
“Come on. you know that’s ridiculous. a part of parenting is also teaching your child when a situation is not about them.”
“She’s four.”
“She’s old enough to go to someone else’s party and understand it’s not about her.”
“Maybe tell her it’s poor etiquette for real-life royalty to wear tiaras/crowns to someone else’s wedding.”
“If you look at meghan and harry’s wedding, meghan is the only one wearing a tiara. all the other (royal) women are wearing hats” ~ mahoganyecho
There was even a list of OP’s errors.
“That is not totally accurate. British royal weddings don’t but as far as I’ve seen all other European families does at their weddings.”
“UK is one of several royal families in Europe and the dresscode to a UK wedding is different to most other royal families. So UK is the exception, not the rule here.”
“As to this specific occasion OP is YTA because she could”
“Have asked in advance”
Could have used this as a learning moment
For calling a person on the spectrum for having “mental illness”
For actually using the words ‘mental illness’ as a derogatory expression in the first place”
“For teaching a 4-year-old she is more important than anyone else regardless of situation.”
“For making a scene at a wedding that could easily have been sorted”
“For not understanding that she was a horrible role model for her child.” ~ Key-Bumblebee183
A little communication could’ve solved this quickly.
“You should’ve asked her if she minded taking it off anyway.”
“Talk to her instead of just digging your heels in. Apologize to Chloe by letting her know that you thought it was appropriate for the occasion but you were wrong.”
“Kids learn a lot when we choose to apologize.”
“Kids learn a lot when we can admit we aren’t always right. Instead, you taught her that you are right, you’re exempt from rules, and things can be about her as long as mommy says so.”
“She needs to learn that she isn’t always the princess. It isn’t her day.”
“Every day isn’t about her. She may have been a little upset, but I bet she would’ve had a lot more fun being able to stay and be a in part of something that she was looking forward to.”
“You made her leave just to prove that your 4yo can always be the princess and center of attention.” ~ ClarinetKitten
There was also the suspicion that OP was editing out key details.
“I am going YTA for this comment.”
“I just checked my wedding photos. My flower girls wore small tiaras. I did not.”
“But I still thought YTA when I read the initial scenario and even more when I read this.”
“You were wrong to tell Chloe that she could be a princess like the bride.”
“The only children that get to be a princess like the bride is the flower girls that the bride has selected and had a role in determining their clothing.”
“I also feel like there is probably something missing from the story…like that you were taking pictures of Chloe acting like a princess/the bride before the wedding etc…”
“It is hard for me to believe that if you literally walked in and quietly sat down together that the bridesmaids would have noticed enough to call you out.”
“I would not be surprised if she was curtsying down the aisle in her tiara and possibly more accessories while she was taking her seat and otherwise trying to draw attention to herself/believe that the wedding was also about her.”
“You made a promise to Chloe that you could not keep.”
“The proper thing to do would have been to call/email/text the bride and say that Chloe loves to wear tiaras and is so excited for your wedding would it be ok for her to wear the tiara?”
“Then this could have all been worked out and you could have reminded me that the bride is the only princess on her wedding day.”
“Your family already shared the fact that Asperger’s made some of the behavior sound odd.”
“If you were not close enough to know the bride and groom well you were not close enough to let your daughter believe that it was ok that she was also going to be a princess along with the bride.” ~
JBG1973
Everyone wants to feel special.
The days we set aside to celebrate the individual are rare enough that we often go to great lengths to make sure those days are perfect.
Sometimes, deferring to someone else’s happiness is the best way to show you care, even when tiaras are concerned.