As people progress into their late 20s and beyond, new values begin to take hold.
Friendships encounter new dynamics as people prefer to spend time doing different things; people become involved in long-term relationships that impact the way they spend time and the things they hold dear; the long-view comes further into focus and people make some far-reaching choices about who they want to be.
It’s no surprise that those changes can usher in tensions or friction among long-time friends.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit outlined one example of those growing pains.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by RemarkablyTired on the site, made the source of the tension pretty clear in the post’s title.
“AITA for calling out some hypocrisy in slut shaming?”
OP began by describing the long-running friendship in question.
“I [26-year-old female] have a friend [27-year-old female] of about 15 years.”
“When we were younger, she was somewhat of the wild friend. Hooking up with tons of guys, posting lewd pictures on Facebook, sneaking around etc etc.”
I’ve always enjoyed our friendship and never worried about those actions. She’s not hurting anyone and I want people to do whatever makes them happy. No judgements on my end.”
But a major change led to a noticeable shift.
“She recently got married [35-year-old male] to a fairly conservative and vanilla guy.”
“They’ve been together about 2 years and I noticed a shift with her since then.”
“She acts like she’s also conservative and vanilla like him, and has adopted a little bit of a ‘holier than thou’ attitude when I talk about dating.”
A recent social media post by OP led to some commentary.
“The issue arose when I posted a picture in a bathing suit on Instagram. It’s a picture of me sitting in a one piece looking the other way at the beach.”
“It’s a high rise bathing suit so you can see a good bit of the sides of my bum. No big deal, I thought, I’m an adult lol I wore the bathing suit around my entire family etc.”
“A few days later while on a long call with my friend, she randomly brings up the picture and mentions that she showed it to her husband and asked ‘what would you do if I posted a picture like this?’ “
“To which he apparently responded, ‘I would divorce you right away.’ She told me this story totally unprompted and giggled the entire time.”
OP tried to let it go.
“I waited a few days to see if I would still feel bothered and I was.”
“I messaged her and asked why she did that and explained that it felt like she was trying to shame me or knock me down.”
“She made a few excuses and ultimately gave an apology that minimized what she had actually done (recounted the story differently than how it had factually and objectively occurred).”
Eventually, OP just had to speak her mind.
“So here is where I could be the A-hole: I brought up the fact that she has been very different since she linked up with her now-husband…”
“…and that I was never judgmental of her behavior before (ex: Meeting multiple guys every week a hook up, sleeping with everyone on the first date, hooking up with multiple guys per night, etc).”
“I have always defended her to people because I think she has a right to do whatever she wants (as everyone does) and it doesn’t make someone lesser for it.”
“I told her I couldn’t believe that her husband was so horrified by a picture of me in a bathing suit considering the past of the woman he married (though I’m assuming now that he has no idea at all, which is fine if she doesn’t want to tell him)…”
But some backlash left OP feeling unsure.
“…and now she claims I ‘attacked her relationship’ for expressing why I was hurt and why I was confused by both of their reactions.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors took OP’s side.
“NTA Oh look, a conservative with a history of sexual proclivities finding things to slut shame others over. What a rare occurrence /s” — SydeSplitter
“NTA, she sounds like a friend not worth having.” — OverallDisaster
“NTA this is a pretty good example of ‘don’t throw rocks in glass houses’ ” — OurLadyofHalloween
A few people pointed to obvious insecurities at play.
“NTA. This is something I’ve actually been learning in therapy: you do NOT need to alter the past for people and you don’t need to be quiet about topics THEY bring up.
“It would be one thing if you brought it up out of nowhere to be hurtful. It is 100% fair game for you to talk about it in this context though since she was the one bringing up ‘modesty’ and trying to look down at you while pretending her own past met her new standards.”
“If it was such a sensitive topic for her, she shouldn’t have said anything about it. Good for you for standing up for yourself.” — GoblinOfficial
“NTA But keep in mind that people are always thinking of themselves. Your photo sounds innocuous. Your friend is now in a conservative relationship and feeling doubt.”
“She probably loves her husband but also loved who she was before her husband. She’s looking for reassurance that she was a good person. That’s why she said what she said. Her comment was about her own past..”
“She wants to know that she was ok thenAnd still ok now” — WritPositWrit
“NTA. Any regrets or guilt that she has over her younger behavior is her own problem, taking it out on you is BS.”
“Even if you had been doing something even the tiniest bit ‘slutty’ (which you truly did not, a bathing suit is considered appropriate in public and in PG movies) it would have been wrong of her.” — revmat
Some foresaw disaster looming.
” ‘I would divorce you right away,’ so much for wedding vows amirite?” — Kingjester88
“NTA at all but her relationship sounds incredibly toxic and borderline abusive if he’s saying he’d divorce her because of a bathing suit…”
“you don’t have to put up with her being toxic to you, but be willing to be supportive should she realize how bad her situation is. She may need your help getting out of it” — houseofreturn
Alas, no matter how badly someone wants to recreate their own identity and compartmentalize the past into a tidy box that nobody ever knows about, it simply isn’t the reality.
And it only becomes more likely that the truth comes out if they anger someone with their hypocrisy.