People have differing opinions about what a reasonable budget is going to be for a wedding, including the reception, the ceremony itself, and of course, the engagement ring.
It’s fair to say that the couple would like to stay informed on the money being spent leading up to the big day, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor priceofring was concerned in the days leading up to her wedding when she kept receiving suspicious comments about the value of her engagement ring.
But when she confronted her future husband about it, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised at how insistent he was about not telling her.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking how much my engagement ring cost?”
The OP asked a question she never thought she would.
“I got engaged a few months ago. My fiancé designed my engagement ring himself and it’s honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever given me.”
“I never asked my fiancé how much the ring cost because I personally didn’t care and that wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind.”
“However, I recently asked because the reaction of some of my family and friends has made me feel more and more uncomfortable.”
Some comments were surprising to the OP.
“It started at my engagement part when my cousins pulled me to the side because they wanted to see the ring.”
“I showed them and one of them asked me if my ring was real and then started speculating on how much it cost.”
“I have no idea about how much rings cost, so I thought they were just exaggerating.”
“There have been multiple other instances, including my friend telling me she would be too scared to wear the ring outside if it was hers.”
The OP’s sister concerned her most of all.
“The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was when I forgot to take the ring off before I started washing the dishes.”
“My sister freaked out and told me I should be more careful with something so valuable.”
“My fiancé asked my sister and mum for help when he was designing the ring and I’m confident that they at least have an idea on how much it cost, especially since my sister made a comment about it to my stepsister before.”
The OP and her fiancé argued about it.
“The next time I saw my fiancé, I asked him, and he thought I never liked the ring.”
“I assured him it wasn’t that and that I was just curious because of the comments people kept making.”
“He told me he wasn’t going to tell me.”
“When I asked him why, he said it didn’t matter.”
“I asked him a few times but he wouldn’t budge.”
“I got upset and we ended up having an argument over it.”
“He said I was starting a fight for no reason and told me to stop asking.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said NAH because it’s a sensitive subject.
“It’s a touchy subject to be sure.”
“I had a family member ask my fiancé so I could get a jewelry addendum toy renter insurance just in case (if needed).”
“But if someone doesn’t want to say, I mean, I guess it’s up to them.” – Gingysnap2442
“A more polite way to have handled it instead of asking the cost would have been something like, ‘Hey, I’m not really up on ring costs because it really doesn’t matter to me, but I am just wondering if getting the ring insured is something we should consider?'” – Difficult_Dot_8981
“As a guy who’s bought relatively expensive jewelry for a girl, I didn’t want to tell her how much it was because I knew she’d be uncomfortable with how expensive it was…”
“She had to get the clasp fixed a couple of years later and asked the jewelers how much it was approximately, and she called me freaking out at the price.” – duke113
“Honestly, I’m kind of torn here.”
“On the one hand, you should be aware of how expensive or precious something is so you can best protect it. On the other hand, it kind of feels like you should be protecting your engagement ring regardless of its monetary value?”
“I’m going to go with NAH. Your curiosity is entirely understandable, and he probably doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable if the ring is very expensive.”
“Maybe a good compromise would be asking him what materials it has so that you can research proper care for it and make sure you don’t accidentally ruin it.” – Kari-kateora
Others were more worried about the partner being controlling.
“NTA. Some of you are being silly. OP is not being materialistic or snooty or anything like that.”
“If OP and the fiance are not capable of talking about something as simple as how much a ring costs in this context (i.e. a bunch of people making comments and OP starting to get worried about damaging the ring, being a target for theft, etc.), that’s a huge red flag.”
“Does this man treat OP as an equal?” – RealWanderingWizard
“It’s hers. She can have it appraised if she wants to. I’d personally be uncomfortable marrying someone who refused to discuss finances with me, including big purchases.” – Bananapanda123
“We’ve always been open about most things but always about finances. The only reasons I can think for him not to share the info is he bought a fake and doesn’t want her to know or it cost way less than looks.”
“Either way his refusal to tell her signals he’s willing to keep secrets and/or he’s going to be controlling. I can’t think of any good reason for not telling her.”
“She’s only going to be wearing this ring supposedly for the rest of her life, why shouldn’t she know the value? I’m guessing he knows how much his wedding ring cost.” – GiddyGabby
Some also insisted on an appraisal and insurance.
“Ask him, without putting a number to it, if it’s worth taking off for things like gardening and working out. Where it may be damaged. That’s all you really need to know.” – Effulgence_
“NAH. Just ask him to insure it if it is valuable. You don’t need to know the price but you deserve the peace of mind.” – Lullaby37
“I understand the feeling. My ring is far more expensive than I was comfortable with. I was terrified of losing it, damaging it, etc.”
“However, I knew how hurt my now-husband would have been if I stopped wearing it.”
“I got it insured, put my own concerns away in favor of husband’s feelings, and now I am so used to wearing it, I don’t even give it a second thought. What is the point of having something nice if you never use it?”
“It is the same as spending a ton of money on a dress or shoes or a bag, and then leaving it in your closet. You get no enjoyment from it and it becomes a huge waste of money.”
“At least with a ring, you wear it every day, so you end up getting much more ‘bang for your buck’ than nearly any other clothing or accessory purchase.” – Youre_On_Mute
Some insisted the OP let this go.
“NAH but when people ask the price of your personal possessions, they don’t deserve an answer.”
“You may respond by looking at them as if baffled and saying, ‘Why would you need to know?’ or ‘Absolutely priceless!'”
“If they persist, go for an ‘offended duchess’ facial expression and say firmly, ‘I think you misunderstood. Only my insurance guy needs the answer to that question.'”
“As for your fiance, just drop it. Whether it was $250 or $25k, it’s beautiful, you love it and I assume you aren’t planning to hock it.” – rapt2right
“I’ve had people ask me about the price of mine because they assumed a lot (my husband’s job and the fact that we were older than our friend group when engaged).”
“I know the price and I’ve never said. It’s no one else’s business except the insurance company.” – daniyellidaniyelli
“I also think OP needs to let this go. She is picking a fight with her fiance, over a gift that she loves, because people are nosey.”
“If I give someone a gift, I would be very uncomfortable saying how much I paid for it.”
“If OP keeps demanding to know the costs/picking fights over it, she would be an AH.” – Electrical-Date-3951
While the subReddit could understand the OP’s curiosity, even as it edged up on concern, they were a little more divided about how she handled the situation.
On the one hand, she should at least know the materials used for the ring, so she knows how to properly care for it and which are occasions are suitable to wear it (because one of them probably isn’t gardening).
But on the other hand, there’s a valid concern here about communication and whether the price of an object, no matter how symbolic it may be, should be something that technically stands between the couple, rather than uniting them.