Divorces have consequences.
The consequences are especially difficult with kids involved.
So how do couples proceed?
Case in point…
Redditor ParkingHalf181 to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to take my ex-wife as my plus one to my son’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My son is 22, my daughter is 18.”
“Six years ago my daughter caught my wife with another man.”
“She told her brother who understood what she had witnessed then they both came and told me.”
“I verified that it was true then I divorced my wife.”
“During the divorce hearing, both of them expressed a desire to stay with me so I was given primary custody with her getting 1 week a month.”
“She moved in with the other guy.”
“I have done my best to cut my ex out of my life.”
“Our communication is limited to the bare minimum needed to coordinate custody and shared expenses.”
“And I have never talked about our relationship to my kids.”
“Initially after the divorce she told me that our kids were ‘giving her hell’ when it was her custody and that I needed to talk to them.”
“I sat them down and asked if it was true and they said they didn’t want to stay there.”
“But I explained that it would be best for everyone if they remained civil until they turned 18 so we wouldn’t have to go back to court.”
“I didn’t get complaints after that so it seemed to be working.”
“When my son turned 18 he moved back in with me full-time and started college.”
“He graduated now and is getting married in a few months.”
“My daughter turned 18 last summer and moved back in with me full-time too.”
“My ex-wife called me today, and she started crying saying that she was not invited to my son’s wedding.”
“Then she told me that my son hasn’t talked to her in over a year.”
“He had still been dropping in after turning 18 to visit his sister sometimes but eventually stopped doing that, too.”
“Likewise, apparently my daughter stopped talking to her after turning 18.”
“Then my ex-wife asked if I would bring her as my plus one so she could see her son getting married, but I told her if my son didn’t invite her it wasn’t my place to bring her.”
“Then she started accusing me of turning them against me and threatening to take me to court.”
“But I told her that there was no more custody agreement to take to court since both of them are above 18 and I hung up.”
“I sat down with both of them later and asked them if they had cut contact from their mother and they both admitted it.”
“I explained to them that they did not need to do that for my sake and I still recognize she’s their mother.”
“But they both said they had talked about it a lot and their plan was always to hold out until they were 18.”
“But they had no desire to be around her or the other guy because she had destroyed our family.”
“I told them that they are adults and if that’s their decision I won’t pressure them to change it.”
“I was telling my sister what happened and to my surprise, she said my son wasn’t being fair and I should make him invite his mother to the wedding.”
“AITA for refusing the attempt?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“NTA. She had 6 years to figure out how to at least repair enough damage that her kids wouldn’t go no contact the moment they were able.”
“Sounds like the opposite happened. NTA.” ~ ChiefTuk
“I’m plus one on security as well.
“And it’s not as if you didn’t try or at least clarify what happened when you sat down with them post your ex’s call. NTA.” ~ tango421
“This is critical to me.”
“OP sat his kids down, asked them for the details of the situation, told them they didn’t have to do it for his sake if that’s why they were doing it, and then respected their decision and their right as adults to do it.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how one could handle it better. Definitely NTA.” ~ narrauko
“Agreed. NTA he has been as polite and considerate as possible to his ex (more than she deserved in my opinion) for the sake of his kids.”
“And he has treated his kids as the mature people they are, and with the respect they deserve as human beings.”
“They discovered the affair and knew it wasn’t right (while young the daughter at least understood enough to question it to her brother).”
“And thankfully OP had raised them well enough for them to feel comfortable telling their dad without him blowing up (we have all accidentally shot the messenger once or twice I’m sure).”
“When the ex-wife had issues regarding her relationship with her kids, he sat them down to talk, made sure they weren’t doing it for him, and then came to a compromise or as in the new case respected their thought-out decisions.”
“They told him they had been thinking about it for a while, so it wasn’t an impulsive decision.”
“OP, you have done everything right by your ex and children while your children were kids.”
“Now that they are adults, you can continue to do right by your children by respecting their choices regarding their mother.”
“My only suggestion is that should she ever become terminal, ask them at that time if they plan on seeing her to at least get closure and respect those choices then as well.”
“I doubt they will, given their stance now, but it might be good for them to hear at that moment that you are still grateful to her for giving you them (your children).”
“ETA, I definitely do agree on telling your son to have some form of security at the wedding.”
“It doesn’t have to be a hired guard or anything expensive.”
“I’m pretty sure that he and his partner will have a couple of friends who would be willing to act as gatekeepers to ensure the happy couples day goes smoothly.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA. But your sister is.”
“I don’t know what is with people pushing family members to reconcile simply because they are blood-related, but it’s something that needs to stop.”
“People are allowed to choose who they want in their lives, and just because someone helped create you doesn’t mean you have to choose them.” ~ PeaUpbeat3732
“Your sister is being empathetic, and putting herself in your ex’s shoes – your ex is no doubt heartbroken.”
“But it is as a result of her own actions, that broke 3 more (far more vulnerable) hearts.”
“Your sister should extend your son the same empathic courtesy.”
“Ask her to imagine that if she was saying her marriage vows, would she want the home wrecker who wrecked her home, specifically there – her biggest, most personal example of how to destroy a marriage.”
“Also, anyone who thinks your kids’ feelings are extreme should not forget – the kids discovered her infidelity first, and were forced into a traumatic position of either betraying you, or ending their own family unit.”
“Yea easy NTA for you and your son. F your ex-wife.” ~ LeslieKnope6254
“NTA. Your kids made the decision on their own about their relationship with her, and you didn’t force them. Your ex chose to have an affair.”
“Your son is an adult and gets to choose who comes to his wedding.” ~ Elvtars426
“NTA. It seemed like you did your best to encourage them to have some contact with their mother.”
“But they are adults now and can decide whether they want to or not and they clearly decided.” ~ PxN13
“NTA. I’m not sure what convoluted logic your sister is using to get to the decision that your son isn’t mature enough to decide if he does or doesn’t want someone in his life.”
“Or how exactly you’re supposed to ‘make’ him do something he’s decided not to do.”
“He’s 22, an adult, starting his own family, and his decision to go no contact sounds like it was a long time coming.”
“Make no mistake – had you said yes to your ex that would have been a huge AH move.”
“You did the right thing.” ~ honey-smile
“NTA. First, you seem like an amazing father handling this all so well.”
“It seems like your kids are both mature adults who can make their own decisions.”
“I’ll take this a step further, YWBTA if you took your ex to the wedding when it is clear your son does not want her there.” ~ throwaway36754785
“It’s not her place to force you to do it.”
“The bottom line is tho that your son does not want your ex-wife at his wedding, and no one should help her to get into a wedding when the groom does not want her there.” ~ MsJamieFast
Well OP, Reddit seems with you.
It’s not your responsibility to make your Ex feel better.