Redditor Separate_Bat_747 and his wife never liked the woman with whom their son was in a relationship.
The parents’ animosity towards her was exacerbated after they unknowingly went to a cocktail party that turned out to be a surprise wedding.
When his now daughter-in-law (DIL) confronted him and complained about his wife’s attire for an occasion neither of them was prepared for, he snapped.
The Original Poster (OP) visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my son’s wife that she wasn’t a beautiful bride?”
“I’m very pissed off over this, so maybe it is more of a misstep than I originally thought. My son got married eight months ago, to a woman we’ve never liked.”
“They had a surprise wedding, meaning none of us knew we were going to a wedding and we were told it was just a cocktail party. My wife wore white, now that I think of it my wife wears a lot of white and that makes daughter-in-law (DIL) even more of a dumba** for never warning us.”
“Well for eight months she has been trying to spin it to make my wife look like some crazed MIL who showed up in a wedding dress. She had a wedding picture on social media and when someone commented who wore white, she wrote back ‘that’s my mother-in-law, she doesn’t like me’ and a laughing emoji.”
“My wife called her out on it and she played the victim and whined about my wife trying to upstage her. She has made a couple snide comments, and told people who weren’t at the wedding that it was intentional.”
“My son knew how much this was pissing me off, and pulled me aside. He said that she is insecure because when she showed the wedding pictures to her best friend, who couldn’t make it, the friend immediately commented that my wife is gorgeous.”
“I guess her mom said something too. My wife used to model and not to be an a**, but she draws your eye much more than DIL. He said that she is insecure, and she has always felt insecure around my wife.”
“Also we are Hispanic and she is White, and I guess her own mom was telling her she should tan and she was going to look pasty compared to everyone.”
“I don’t really care. I have a 15 year old daughter, so I certainly get that woman struggle with body issues, but you don’t get to take that out on someone else and spread lies.”
“She made another comment recently, about the picture being proof that she is the innocent one in the relationship, and I snapped at her that I am sick of hearing about the white dress, and that maybe if she put more effort into her own appearance she would have been a beautiful bride and people wouldn’t be looking at her MIL.”
“She stormed off and my son is mad. He actually said his mom has great self esteem (she doesn’t) so we should take the high road.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors expressed their disappointment in a situation that would have earned an NTA judgment if it weren’t for the OP’s transgression.
“ESH. Insulting her looks was unnecessary.”
“If you’d said ‘Shut up about the white dress, you know that she only wore that because you told us it was a regular party and not a wedding, and I’m sick of hearing you lie about it,’ you’d be N-T-A in my book.” – HatsAndTopcoats
“Exactly. You can defend your wife without being an asshole. You also can’t throw a surprise wedding and then be pissed that people weren’t dressed for a wedding.”
“ESH.” – queenoreo
“I agree with the ESH. I might get carried away here, but he did basically start ‘we’ve never liked her”, so maybe they did the ‘surprise wedding’ to get ahead of all the emotional drama trying to get him to back out of it and ditch her?”
“Alas, to say ‘that’s my mother in law, she doesn’t like me’ is a peculiar thing to say, but true – he admitted it himself. Daughter in law is just as much of a jacka** as involuntary in laws are, but we don’t know who started the whole drama – both parties sound pretty darn dramatic and petty.” – MeiSuesse
“I’m willing to give the Op the benefit of the doubt on this bit. Context makes a difference in how one looks at the pictures.”
“Example A) DIL posts picture with the tag ‘My Wedding!'”
“Friend: ‘Who wore white?'”
“DIL: ‘My MIL. She doesn’t like me! 🤣'”
“This implies that MIL wore white out of spite. Friends of DIL assume MIL is an upstaging jerk.”
“Example 2) DIL posts picture with the tag ‘Invited family together! Then threw surprise wedding!'”
“Friend: ‘Who wore white?'”
“DIL: ‘My MIL. She doesn’t like me! 🤣'”
“The disapproving MIL is the one in the white dress.” – Chomper_The_Badger
“This is the best take IMO. Setting the record straight shouldn’t require sinking to her level.” – mychickenmyrules543
“ESH Agreed. Simple fact of the matter is that OP could have resolved it by just telling them to shut up about the white dress and let go about that, because it was son and DIL’s fault.”
“I think he just blew up his pent-up resentment (the way he describes his DIL speaks that to me).” – Hikaru2000
“ESH. You weren’t TA until that comment. I don’t know why you thought that was a good response.”
“You have an irreproachable narrative here that distills conveniently into a single sentence: ‘It was a surprise wedding, we were told we were coming to a cocktail party and had no idea wedding etiquette applied.'”
“Optional second line: ‘We wish she wasn’t upset but that’s just something that happens if you surprise people, same as people not showing up because they don’t know how important an occasion it is.'”
“All you had to do was keep repeating that everywhere and every time it was mentioned. Why did you throw away your moral high ground? Did you need to insult her that badly?” – deejay1974
“ESH. The personal attack was uncalled for and drags you down to her level.”
“Reminding her that the white dress issue was her fault (for just positioning the event as a party) is legit, and telling her to drop the subject going forward was right as well.” – RB1327
Others were more direct with their declaration.
“YTA. You asked if you were an a**hole for telling your daughter in law that she wasn’t a beautiful bride. The answer is yes.” – Dszquphsbnt
“Agreed. OP, YTA. Never ever insult how a bride looks in her wedding day. The only thing OP needed to say is ‘we didn’t know it was your wedding day.’”
“I’m also curious what got them to the point where DIL’s mom apparently knew about the wedding but OP and wife didn’t? I feel like there is a metric ton of info missing from this story.”
“(I am assuming that her mom knew because of the tanning comment she apparently made.)” – calamity125
“YTA (I would say E-S-H but you are far worse) – as the parents/adults in the situation you are expected to be the mature ones. You aren’t, you have obviously made it clear to this girl that you don’t like her for their whole relationship.”
“When your son’s wife said she felt insecure because of comments that were made about her MIL, rather than responding maturely you told her to try harder on her appearance. I’m quite sure she did try hard given that it was her wedding.”
“You could very easily have said something much more mature like: ‘ignore what anyone says, you looked lovely on your wedding day’ or ‘my wife looking beautiful doesn’t mean you didn’t’ or ‘my son clearly thought you were the most beautiful woman in the room’.”
“Your son loves this girl. She’s part of your family now. Grow up and stop making her life harder. I suspect if you start treating her more nicely, you will also get better treatment from her in return.” – robot428
There was no update on whether or not the OP and his daughter-in-law patched things up since the confrontation.