When people go out on a first date, they generally don’t put all the cards out on the table.
General information on a dating profile should be intriguing enough–coupled with a photo of themselves–to spark curiosity and interest from someone wishing to pursue a romantic prospect.
But how much of a mystery should an individual on dating apps be before they come off as deceitful?
This is something Redditor Bnp-12, a 30-year-old female, grappled with after she went on a date with a high school teacher who reacted negatively to information about her.
When the date did not end well, she visited “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) and asked:
“AITA for hiding my job to a new date?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained why she was selective about revealing private information about herself on her dating profile.
“I matched with a high school teacher on bumble (31 Male).”
“I intentionally didn’t list my job because I honestly have had some negative experience because my dates made assumptions about me. I put that I was a tutor (which to be fair, is true, I indeed tutor privately and volunteer as a tutor in after school programs).”
“On our date, he found out that I had a different full time job (other than my part time job) and got very upset because according to my facebook (that I never updated since high school), I listed I was cashier so he had assumed I was a cashier who did tutoring on the side.”
“He said i fooled him into treating me out to dinner and asking me out and making a fool out of himself when I made multiple times his salary.”
“I offered to pay, and he got more offended. I honestly thought he asked me out, picked a place, and offered to pay bc he was a gentleman? Idk. Did I do something wrong?”
“Was I the AH for not listing my true ‘full time’ career on bumble?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in the comments, with some expressing concerns about her dating profile and others condemning his insecure response to finding out about her earnings.
“You’re obviously hiding what your real job is because you know it’s relevant to the judgment.”
“Tell the whole story.” – dcm510
“Wouldn’t you WANT to put that in your profile though so you don’t have to waste any time with an insecure jerk?” – arittenberry
“I have my career information in my Hinge profile and one of my prompts is dedicated to ensuring men know how successful I am, specifically because I want to weed out the men who will be insecure about matching with me.”
“I get dozens of matches daily, almost all with very successful, ambitious men. I recommend this strategy to all successful women.” – AllyYours
“NTA – I remember being told on a date in the early days of Match that my job/title was a ‘boner killer,’ so I learned that some guys want to be ‘better’ than their date, and those were the ones to weed out.”
“I just wanted to go out on a date, and try to meet someone who would like ME and not what I did, so I stuck to the ‘industry’ and not specifics. (So at least they do not dismiss me because they were intimidated.) Most guys were wrong for me because they did NOT like finding out that -yes- I was at x company in the industry, but -no- I was not their junior. Found the right guy, eventually. A keeper!”
“The problem isn’t you. It’s some deep seeded need to be impressive to their dates. If you are as accomplished as it sounds like you are (woohoo! Congratulations!!), just put ‘I work in healthcare and I tutor’. Downplaying is better than omitting, but don’t EVER apologize for your success.”
“The right person can appreciate you and your worth, but you do not want the omission to come off as a ‘lie’. Don’t omit the industry. Be proud of the truth, and learn a ton based on their assumptions. Good luck!” – Wild_Pomegranate5772
“YTA. Not mentioning your job on a dating app wouldn’t be a problem, but you’re intentionally misleading potential dates about your job.”
“If you don’t want your dates to know what you do, just don’t put any information. But what you’re doing is basically lying to them about your job, and that is going to cause distrust and hurt feelings.”
“People don’t like being lied to, and if they consider you a liar on the first date, then there’s probably not going to be a second date.” – HoldFastO2
Some Redditors were more understanding.
“It sounds like he was looking for someone who had more shared life experience with him, including socioeconomic, and that’s not you.”
“At the same time, you don’t have to tell your entire life story on your dating profile. Might be best to leave your job off entirely or maybe indicate industry instead.” – 0biterdicta
“This is the major point here! He was in education, and was looking for someone with a connection to that. Her having a whole other career which is probably more important to her, and isn’t teaching in the capacity someone who uses cashier’s job as a meal ticket to be able to tutor kids would do, is giving off the wrong impression to this guy.”
“But also his response that he only paid because he thought he made more came off as super bitter and just disrespectful.” – unluckysupernova
“I don’t really think her job is relevant. His issue wasn’t with her job, but rather with the amount of money she made. It’s all just screaming insecurity. NTA” – Msbhavn69
“NTA. First dates are usually when things like careers and whatnot come up. Perhaps you should’ve told him you were offended that he left the section as to whether or not he had a fragile ego blank on his dating profile.” – NUT-me-SHELL
“NTA- first dates are ‘You seem interesting and I would like to get to know more about you in a social setting ‘… jobs should be irrelevant at that point as it’s on of the things you’d share… Personally if I asked for the date and picked the place l’d expect to pay…” – The_Amazing_Username
“NTA, he is the one with the issue here as clearly he has a problem with women who make more than him.”
“But I do question your dating strategy – if you put that you are a doctor on your profile and this scares some people off, surely they are not right for you anyway? Do you want an insecure man who is freaked out by a successful woman? You don’t really want to be in this situation again.” – razzlerm
“NTA- as a female who also has a good career, I had family members tell me to say I was poor when newly dating someone. Lol. They didn’t want anyone taking advantage of me.”
“Guys over the years I have dated have made significantly less than me and took advantage of that fact. I’m now dating someone who told me he worked in healthcare but didn’t say what.?he could have been an orderly or billing for all I knew. I was vague as well with what I did.”
“Once we went out turned out he was a doctor. It didn’t change my opinion of him when I found out and I even offered to pay half for dinner for which he politely refused. I’m sure he was more insecure about you making more money hence the reason he was ok with you being a cashier. It’s a him problem not a you problem.” – GoldJob5918
“NTA based on comments about what job your hiding I can see why.”
“Posting your actual job would lead to either no matches because fragile ego male syndrome or them thinking you were out of their league. Or you would end up with gold diggers looking for a free ride.”
“I think your just trying to find someone in the middle ground who doesn’t base dating you on how much you do or don’t make. My suggestion for future first dates is while setting up the date ask that you go dutch.”
“If the first date operates out and you do disclose what your actual job is the two of you can later decide who pays.” – SkrogedScourge
“NTA It was a new date. If all her info was online for anybody to view, it can lead to dangerous situations.”
“The guy already stalked her FB. Besides what is there to talk about during the date if he already knows everything. He was upset because he couldn’t brag about his money.” – Odd_Ad_2805
“You’re NTA for not revealing it up front, but you’re significantly less likely to get a great guy this way.”
“Do you want someone who’s arsey about finances and thinks the man should always earn more? best case scenario with one of those is that you break up soonish, worst case scenario you end up with someone who you won’t break up with but who will try to make you give up your career for a lower paid one, or he’ll end up quitting work assuming he can coast off you for the rest of his life.”
“Are you gonna get less dates if you put your occupation up? maybe. but you’re more likely to get better dates with guys who aren’t crap.”
While some were assertive in suggesting the OP be upfront about her work information, other Redditors understood why she was guarded about revealing too much information based on her dating history.