Raising children requires a discerning touch between helping them to succeed and teaching them to do things themselves. But the line between the two can be difficult to walk.
A Redditor found herself in a bit of a bind when her daughter asked for help with a cosmetic surgery. On one hand, the original poster (OP) had the funds to help, but on the other, her daughter sounded entitled.
OP’s response left her unsure and took her to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to figure out if she made the right choice.
“AITA for not paying for my daughter’s acne scar removal surgery?”
This was why she made that decision:
“I(48F) promised to pay off daughter’s(22F) uni degree. It’s not in RESP(education fund) but just in a TSFA(tax free account) under my name, I have 30k saved for that. So she graduates with 24K in debt I and pay it and now she wants me to pay for her acne scar removal which will be 4-6K.”
“She has deep icepick and boxcar scars and feels self conscious about them and wants them removed so she can advance in her career(she did business and works at a bank).”
“I think since she has a job paying 20/hour and still lives at home she should be saving for it herself so I told her to save it up. She says because I have some money left over after paying her tuition she is entitled to all of it.”
To provide some more context, OP updated her post with a bit more information.
“Edit: She makes 2.5K after taxes and lives at home. IMO she can save up the amount needed in 2 months if she tried”
“So everyone is asking the same things so here you go: We live in Canada so everything to die with acne is free no I didn’t neglect her acne she has a Dermatologist, reason she has scars is because she picked at them, she was a tomboy and didn’t care about her face then. Now she obviously regrets it.”
On the AITA subReddit, people share their situation and how they reacted. Then, the poster is judged for what they did by the other users.
This is done with the following comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The subReddit determined while OP has the means to assist her daughter, they also felt she had already provided a lot of help. OP’s daughter also felt entitled to the remaining funds which changed the situation in some commenters’ eyes.
Because of all this, it was voted OP was NTA for not paying for her daughter’s acne scar removal surgery.
“NTA. She graduated debt free, lives at home, and makes 20/hr. She absolutely can save that up in about two months. She doesn’t know how good she has it.”
“Also – that money is not hers. You agreed to pay off her tuition.”
“You saved up a bit more than needed. The excess belongs to you.” – Massive-Emergency-42
“NTA. You just saved her from nearly 30k of debt. Plus, she’s living with you and the way you stated it makes me think you’re not even charging her rent and stuff.”
“She should act like a grown up and save some money while she’s living with you.” – yabokugodx
“NTA. Just because it’s an emotionally charged subject, does not make her “entitled” to your savings account. It’s not an education account.”
“It wasn’t in her name. She’s being extremely entitled. Had she asked for help rather than demanding it, my opinion would be different.” – Lesley82
Others felt a little more sympathy for OP’s daughter. OP easily has the funds to help her daughter and some people think this would help her daughter’s career too.
This led to some debate between commenters.
“I mean, you don’t have to do and you wouldn’t necessarily be the asshole for not doing it, but you did save that money for her, and this is a totally non-frivolous and justifiable thing that you could spend it on.”
“NAH, but you might want to reconsider. You don’t have to help, but you can, and it’s money that you set aside for her in the first place.” – My_Opinions_Are_Good
“But OP literally pays for EVERYTHING ELSE in her life. She doesn’t pay rent, and OP pays for car payment, car insurance, gas, cell phone, and goodness knows what else.”
“Daughter isn’t entitled to her parent’s money no matter what. Just because it was set aside doesn’t mean it has to go to daughter. It’s left over, and OP can spend it on whatever the heck she wants.” – lavenderlily007
“NAH. You saved money to pay for her college tuition and you did that. She’s not automatically owed the rest of the money you saved for non-academic purposes.”
“That being said, I understand her insecurities and worries about work. My godmother has ice pick and boxcar scars and she has said that she felt like she missed out on career opportunities because it’s not what is considered aesthetically pleasing by companies.”
“A lot of people seemed to be more focused on her skin than her words, and people who were conventionally better looking were more often asked to handle clients. And makeup just doesn’t hide skin marks that deep.”
“If your daughter is working at a bank facing clients, she probably doesn’t want people staring at her scars all the time.”
“I’m not saying you should give her the money, especially as she feels she’s owed it.”
“But what about matching her savings and then setting up a payment plan so she pays you back your share later? Or getting her a consultation so she can see what actually needs to be done, to motivate her to save up for it herself? – Summoning-Freaks
A lot of comments provided options for OP to take, or compromises that might help.
Some of them were taken seriously by OP.
“Can you afford it? If you can, then its a nice gesture. Parenting never stops, even when they grow up. This procedure has emotional meaning for her, and apparently she wants you to be a part of that.” – Outrageous_Relief_77
“I can afford it I just think she doesn’t understand the value of money since she always spends her entire salary on shoes, clothes and makeup.”
“She’s never had to save up for anything before. Her car, gas, food, cell phone are all paid for so she just has to save for the surgery” – [deleted] (OP)
“That could maybe be an alternative you offer. You will pay for the surgery, but she has to take on all her own bills.” – soshinysonew
This idea seemed like a good one for OP, so she updated her post again with this conclusion.
“So talked with daughter and I will pay for her acne scar treatment. But I will no longer be paying for her car insurance, car payments, gas, cell phone and she will have to move out in 3 months etc and if she moves back she will need to pay rent($400/month).”
“She agreed (because she thinks I will cave) but I have it in writing so we will see if I’m back on AITA asking if I’m an a-hole again lol”
OP and her daughter have come to an agreement regarding the payment for the acne scar removal surgery. But will the daughter end up regretting this decision? Or will OP give in if her daughter comes back for more?
It’s possible, but maybe this is the end of it, and everything works out for everyone.