Wanting to get to know your significant other’s children is a great idea, but what if your Sig-O rarely spends time with their kids?
Should you ask the custodial parent for visitation?
A mother dealing with an ex and his fiancée turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Jessiomour asked:
“AITAH for apparently being the reason my ex’s engagement ended?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) have a 6-year-old child with my ex (29, male). We have been broken up since our child was 1.”
“I have primary custody, my ex sees our child two weekends a month. The reason for this is my ex decided he didn’t want to give up his whole life to be a parent and he thinks every other weekend is enough.”
“I should also note he doesn’t always take his weekends and has let our child down in the past.”
“Three years ago, he started dating someone else and they got engaged in February of this year. Once they were engaged, I started getting calls and texts from an unknown number and I found out it was his fiancée.”
“He had told her I would be open to her coming over and taking my child out for the day and he gave her my number so we could plan this. He never mentioned it to me and it took entirely too long for me to figure out what was going on.”
“Getting a bunch of texts from an unknown number saying answer the damn phone, call me, I’d like to meet up and figure this out is not something I expected.”
“When I did answer a call from her she was set on taking my child out for the day and she told me my ex said it was okay. I told her it was not okay and I didn’t know her and I wasn’t going to hand my child over to someone like that.”
“Then I suggested she make the most of the time my ex has.”
“This was not a popular answer with her and she had my ex using our co-parenting app to send request after request for me to let his fiancée take our child out for the day. My ex told me in July that I was saying no too much and it was ruining his relationship.”
“Last month, his fiancée ended their engagement and broke things off with him. She blamed me via text and said she was not going to stay in a hostile environment where she’s treated like stranger danger toward the child she’s supposed to be the stepmother of.”
“My ex blamed me for this too. He accused me of sabotaging his relationship and chasing away potential stepmother’s from our child’s life. I told him I did not give a damn about his relationships.”
“What I cared about is having someone I don’t know feeling entitled to take my child from my home. Then I pointed out he was the reason she believed she could in the first place.”
“Instead of just moving on and accepting what happened, he is telling everyone I broke them up. Some of his buddies are quick to say something when they see me. I think most people see it as BS because he’s not a very involved father to begin with.”
“I did have a mom friend in a mom group I’m a part of tell me I kinda did sabotage his relationship because the woman he was with was trying to know my kid and I didn’t let her.”
“She said I had no reason to say no like I did once I knew who was texting and calling and what she wanted. This turned into a small fight because I asked her if she’d be okay with it and she told me she would.”
“She said most single mom’s with primary or full custody would love for their kids to have people who want to take care of them. She said it was my ego that made me break them up because I didn’t want my child to have a stepmom.”
“I still think it’s crazy to blame me and I think it’s also crazy to say I should have agreed to this. But I’m willing to be big enough to ask if I’m wrong and accept if people think I am wrong. So do you think I broke up his relationship?”
“AITAH for saying no to her taking my kid for the day on my parenting time?”
“I am so curious.”
The OP later added:
“My child had seen her two or three times in over three years during his father’s weekends. They had not spent much time together at all.”
“I had never met or spoken to her before, though, so she was a stranger to me. I didn’t know who was contacting me, so I didn’t answer.”
“She didn’t even ID herself when she was doing it, so I’m getting calls and texts from who knows. It could’ve been a scam for all I knew.”
“I did answer once I knew. I answered a call and said no to her taking my child on my custody time.”
“I wouldn’t let them take my child during my parenting time. They could have us-d my ex’s time for that if and when he takes it.”
“I just find it strange that she would blame me for not letting her see my child, while being fine with my ex not wanting to be more involved with his kid. It doesn’t add up.”
“She didn’t think he had enough parenting time for her to bond with my child, and instead of seeing that as a red flag and leaving, she decided she would blame me.”
“Simply put, he doesn’t want more time with our child. And instead of accepting that and leaving him at that point, she decided to harass me for months and then leave, but blame me instead.”
“I didn’t decide the custody arrangement. That was his request and the courts decision.”
“He’s an adult. He’s a father. He could choose to be a more involved father and take care of his child equally but he doesn’t want to.”
“I would love for my child to know their dad better and have more of a relationship. I cannot force him to want that too.”
“It comes down to him not wanting more time with our child. He wanted to keep his fiancée happy though so he gave her permission he couldn’t actually give for her to see our child more than he does.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to say no nor responsible for her ex’s failed relationship (NTA).
“NTA. Your ex handled it badly. He could have:”
“> Start taking up his 2 weekends every month (not just when it’s convenient)”
“> introduce gf to child during his weekends”
“> introduced you to girlfriend (GF)”
“> let this run for say 3 months, let your child get used to GF”
“> showed he was serious about the GF by getting engaged (no one wants their child to get used to a new GF, who is then suddenly ‘gone’)”
“> had a joint coffee so you could get to know GF”
“> sent you the contact details for the GF”
“> floated the idea with you first, given you time to consider it, then discussed it with you”
“All of this is a bare minimum I would expect for you to hand over your child to another person, who is not their father.”
“He did none of this. Everything that followed is on him. Don’t let other people’s opinions make you doubt your own judgement.” ~ Peter_gggg
“It is ludicrous to assume the primary parent is OK giving a child over for a day to a stranger they have never met before and without any prior notice or planning.”
“The mom ‘friend’ who said she would be OK with it is likely to have her kid get kidnapped if she is so cavalier with their safety.”
“The dude who only sees his child 4 days out of the month—when he feels like it—has no right in deciding who takes the child for a day.” ~ ApprehensiveBeat4579
“I’m a stepmom myself, and my husband has 50/50 custody, so I was around my stepson quite a bit after my husband and I started dating seriously.”
“We’ve now been married five years, and I have met his mother many times, and it would never and has never occurred to me to call her up and ask (let alone demand) to take him out for the day by myself randomly during her scheduled time with him. It’s bizarre and unhealthy.” ~ rabid_houseplant_
“I think the mom who said it was OK is burned out. She might not have a coparent, and all parenting is on her. She sees it as a break from her kid. She is wrong, of course, but I could see a burned-out single mom thinking this way.” ~ smlpkg1966
“I’m a burned-out single mother, and hell would freeze over before I would hand any of my kids over to someone behaving this unhinged.”
“There’s a short list of people who, if they even hint at wanting to take them out, I’ll happily hand them off to, but not a complete stranger who introduced themselves to me by harassing me with demanding calls and texts, even (or especially) if they are dating my ex.” ~ SublimeAussie
The OP’s responsibility is to her child, not her ex’s love life.