Some people just don’t know when to stop hurting us.
We make a point of letting a relationship go and putting it behind us, but somehow, they keep trying to come back for more.
One woman recently went through this, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor OwnYam2583 was left equally surprised and disgusted after an old friend make an unexpected request.
But even though the Original Poster (OP) didn’t want to follow through, she wondered if she was wrong for feeling that way.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not fulfilling a former friend’s dying wish?”
The OP had a big falling-out with a friend years ago.
“This is an absolute sh*t show but here it goes: 10 years ago, husband (40[male]) & I (35[female]) had a falling out with a formerly close friend (33[female]) and her husband (35[male]).”
“It was acrimonious due to multiple reasons (due to character limit I can’t post the backstory but it involved her mental health & her lashing out at us multiple times), [and] despite us trying to talk it out [and] have a civil friendship, we sort of faded from each other’s lives & she blocked me on social media, etc.”
But then the ex-friend’s husband reached out.
“Recently, her husband contacted us [and] said she was dying from cancer.”
“It was admittedly upsetting to hear that, [and] he asked if we could have a Zoom call with her as she wanted to talk to us.”
Then the ex-friend made an unexpected demand.
“Husband [and] I agreed, [and] after some small talk, she started saying that her last wish was for us (husband [and] I) to apologize to her for a list of ‘crimes’ that she felt we had committed against her [and] showed that we weren’t really sincere in our friendship.”
“(Side note: she did this entire list thing 10 years ago, [and] it included how when she was depressed she shouldn’t need to tell us that she was depressed because real friends know.)”
“This time around, this list included:”
“how even though she blocked us, we never made an attempt to contact her or her husband…”
“how we stopped inviting them for group gatherings (this social group removed them since they were never active to begin with)…”
“how we didn’t congratulate their marriage (we didn’t know since she blocked us)…”
“how we never accepted her apology (which consisted of ‘I’m sorry you feel that way but I was depressed & you guys should know since [OP] is depressed too’).”
The OP wasn’t having it.
“I told her bluntly that I will not apologize for those ‘crimes’.”
“Her husband tried to explain that it would make her feel better, but I said that she’s just being unreasonable again. He agreed with me, but asked if I would deny her final wish.”
“I clarified if her dying wish was to humiliate and falsely accuse me [and] my husband again, [and] he remained silent.”
“I asked him if he really thinks we were in the wrong [and] he said no, but it would give her comfort.”
“I told him not at our expense [and] left the call.”
The OP and her husband had mixed feelings.
“My husband is trying to get me to change my mind because ‘would you want this regret for the rest of your life’?”
“I don’t think I will, but I do feel torn because we were really close at one point in our lives.”
The OP also edited the post to clear up some confusion.
“Some of you have been (rightfully) asking if she’s really dying. IMO, there’s no reason for her to lie, since she did a good job not talking to me for the past 10 years.”
“I’ve told my husband he is welcomed to apologize if he wishes, but I will not be partaking in this nonsense again.”
“As for her husband, he has always told his wife she was being unreasonable but conceded to her every wish (whether or not he agreed to it) to keep her happy.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn’t believe this was the woman’s last wish.
“This is literally a narcissistic last wish.” – UWillDoWhatICouldNot
“She’s wielding her cancer as a weapon to try to force people in her life to grovel for her so she can die feeling like a better person. She’s not. She’s exactly the same and is determined to guilt and punish you.”
“NTA and I would tell her that she’s the one who has to contend with being the AH and not getting redemption from someone who did nothing wrong in the first place.” – Sciencegirl117
“NTA”
“Ok, I don’t know what it’s like to be dying. but she wants you to stand there and apologize to [her] for all these crimes, which are all in her head.”
“Maybe I’m a sadist, but I would sit there with popcorn laughing my head off while she martyrs herself.”
“And then give a long list of the times she’s p**sed you off and see her response. You owe her nothing and to be honest, if this is her dying wish, then she’s really pathetic” – AngelIslington
Could she really think of no better way to spend her final moments?
“Yeah she’s literally dying and this is what she’s choosing to hold on to. NTA OP.” – NatZaJu
“She must be a very bitter person if her dying wish is to force someone to apologize for crimes that only exist in her head.” – PaddyCow
“This! What a sad commentary on a life.” – Laineybin
Others agreed and even found it laughable.
“Imagine having your whole life and then having this as a dying wish, it made me laugh out loud, sorry not sorry” – ThisIsReallyMadness
“Yeah, me too. I literally LOLed (laughed out loud) when reading what her dying wish was. And that was even before I got to some of the details.”
“The fact that this is what she chooses to focus on in her dying days… how much of a petty a**hole do you have to be to sink that low.” – MeanderingDuck
“Imagine thinking that you won and got your dying wish only to be hit with: ‘We are sorry that you feel you deserve an apology.'” – Bluntgirlsdoitbest
Who knows what the OP’s husband will decide to do, but the subReddit was in solid agreement on this one: the OP is in no way obligated to apologize for things that seem like they weren’t even her fault.
Many in the sub said this sounded like a combination of gaslighting and narcissism, which are both major no-nos in any healthy relationship.