I was raised to offer everyone common courtesy until they prove unworthy of it.
My mother was very clear that respect is earned, but courtesy was always initially given.
But if someone decides to be rude, their behavior is responsible for any consequences.
My mother’s philosophy was less “keep the peace” and more “don’t start none, won’t be none.”
A woman who seems to have the same outlook turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sunflower971 asked:
“AITA for correcting my friend’s stepdaughter to be?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (55, female) met my friend’s stepdaughter-to-be (14, female) yesterday. I introduced myself and told her it was nice to meet her.”
“I had heard she was amazing by multiple people and I was looking forward to meeting her. She ignored me and didn’t answer.”
“I thought maybe she didn’t hear me so I repeated. She put in earbuds to emphasize she’s ignoring me and she walked off.”
“She’s deliberately being rude and apparently doesn’t care to meet me. Not my future stepdaughter; she doesn’t have to like me; it’s her choice.”
“I chose not to be part of the drama and let it be. We all went out to dinner as planned.”
“There were 9 of us total and I unfortunately ended up seated next to her at the table. Wonderful dinner aside from her ignoring everyone equally.”
“Anyway, I asked her to please pass the ketchup when she was done using it. She ignored me and set it just out of my reach after she used it.”
“I asked again, no reaction. So I reached over to her to get it. She started yelling at me for getting in her personal space!”
“I told her that I’d asked her twice, and she had ignored me both times. I’d kind of had it at that point.”
“I then added that next time simply pass the ketchup or don’t be upset when someone reaches for it. She went into complete meltdown mode.”
“Now, apparently, to some, I’m the bad guy here because she’s a child. A few others thought I handled it well.”
“So AITA here or is my friend’s future stepdaughter a mess?”
“I’m literally posting on AITA over a ketchup incident. If you were wondering, she is not on the autism spectrum, but I am. That’s why I’m asking. Thank you!”
The OP added:
“I wasn’t clear about the 9 of us that were out to dinner. It was a combination of adults AND teenagers.”
“Adults at one table, teens at a connected table. Adults sat first, and kids filled in. She was the last seated.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I snapped at a teenager. I may be an a**hole for correcting a teenager that isn’t mine.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA! She is choosing to be disrespectful for sure, and obviously, she is used to getting away with it.”
“What did your friend say/do? If the stepdaughter acts like this towards her too, that marriage is doomed before it starts.” ~ I_am_wood_dog
“OP it’s time to tell the friend about both your earlier encounter and what happened at dinner. Let her decide what to do or not do about her. NTA.” ~ floridaeng
“NTA—protect yourself by ensuring you are not sitting next to her in the future nor left alone with her.”
“Chances are she is an emotional teenager and not best pleased at the upcoming nuptials/stepfamily situation. But the fallout should not fall upon you.”
“Better to keep your distance, reputation, and sanity. Good luck, OP.” ~ Avlonnic2
“I would tell the friend’s future husband directly that his daughter is being rude, period, and let him handle it. If he realizes that she is doing it to other people—not just his future bride— he may take action.”
“Most spouses would make up excuses that their kids need time to adjust for the stepparent, but not make those same excuses for other people. NTA.” ~ jackb6ii
“She may be a teenager, but her behavior was deliberately rude, even by teen standards! It sounds like you spoke to her in a reasonable way, and the content of your message to her sounds very factual and fair.”
“14 is old enough to hear factual feedback about bad manners and behaviour. NTA.” ~ tinyd71
“That teen is actually looking for a fight I think. She may not like the situation and feels out of control and so she’s trying to control what she can by ignoring others and being rude.”
“There was nothing else you could have done. Just thank your deity that she’s not your future stepdaughter!” ~ BigSun9567
“NTA. Appears nobody taught her manners. People have personal sh*t to deal with all stages of life. Doesn’t give anybody a magic pass to be rude.”
“Even at 14. She knows better, just hasn’t been held accountable.” ~ Gardenbug64
“NTA. The girl acted like she had no social skills. So you were just trying to tell her what is the right thing to do.”
“You did not tell her the obvious about how rude she was being.” ~ Having-hope3594
“NTA, you were polite from the beginning. The a**hole here is her parent that didn’t check her little a** when she was first being disrespectful.”
“They should have pulled her little a** aside, nipped that sh*t in the bud and corrected that behavior immediately.”
“You did nothing wrong. You asked multiple times for the ketchup, and she chose to ignore it the same way the other adults chose to ignore her disrespectful and bratty behavior, which then escalated to full-on verbal aggression when she started yelling at you.”
“Someone lied to you when they said she was amazing…more like amazingly a**hole-ish.” ~ DivineGreekGoddess
“She’s 14. She knows when she’s being disrespectful. People make far too many excuses for young people’s bad behavior. NTA.” ~ User-1967
“NTA—I don’t even know what else to say. She was rude and acted wrong for any age.”
“Her parent should have apologized to everyone and taken her away from the table so that he could talk to her. Should have made her apologize too.” ~ cazzodrago
“14 is old enough to know better, so cry baby, cry. She’s also young enough that with the issues going on in her life it’s not a shock.”
“Honestly, she should have stayed at home or been put somewhere that wouldn’t affect the normal humans.”
“NTA, the parent who put her in a situation where she would likely fail is kinda an a**hole.” ~ Olthar6
“There was nothing inappropriate in your behaviour. A 14-year-old is far too old to be behaving in such a way, and you weren’t even rude to her when you reached across her and responded to her tantrum. NTA.” ~ SavingsRhubarb8746
“NTA. At first I thought she might be really, really shy or having anxiety to talk to other people.”
“But the ketchup thing really sounds like she was deliberately rude.” ~ RunZombieBabe
“NTA She made the choice to be rude. Her being a kid doesn’t excuse that.”
“She’s 14 and she knows better or should. The parent should have corrected her.” ~ terrajules
“NTA. Her behavior is very strange. I see some people saying she is just a brat, others on her side saying she is a moody teenager and chalking it up to that, but I think this is rather odd behavior.”
“She’s 14, not 5. It’s not normal to be throwing a tantrum over being asked to pass a condiment.”
“I would talk to your friend and ask if there is anything else going on that you don’t know about, or at least inform her of how the stepdaughter has been acting.” ~ Comprehensive-Bad219
“NTA. Your friend OR preferably the child’s bio parent SHOULD HAVE CORRECTED THIS IMMEDIATELY. You don’t allow a 14-year-old to refuse to speak to someone when introduced or to refuse to exhibit common courtesy at a dinner table.
“If she wants to act like a stump, she should be left at home. She is a TEEN, not a child—a very poor-mannered teen.” ~ omeomi24
“I can maybe understand this type of behavior from my 6-year-old granddaughter, but from a 14-year-old?”
“She is just being rude. She was the one in the wrong, and she’s old enough to know that it is inappropriate. NTA.” ~ Oddly-Appeased
“14 is more than old enough to know not to be an a**hole. She wants to act like one? Fine, then she gets treated like one.”
“I’m sick of this ‘oh, but she is a child’ BS. It doesn’t matter that it was about ketchup, it’s her behavior. Absolutely NTA.” ~ cdaisycrochet
“NTA. I would have checked her attitude right then and there, and if her parents had something to say, I’d check them too. Turn it into a great teaching moment.” ~ Commercial-Scene1359
“NTA. The girl’s actual parent needed to weigh in to remind her to behave as if she were at a dinner with others. That person did not. You did what you needed to do.” ~ BitterDoGooder
Maybe next time someone asks for ketchup, this teen will decide passing it isn’t a massive imposition.