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Gay Guy Declines Invite To Best Friend’s Wedding After Being Told He Needs To ‘Man Up’ To Attend

Picture of a punk rock guy, colorful hair, lip ring

Words matter.

How we chose to speak to one another can cause a lot of discourse.

Words and communication are the best ways we have to know one another.

And that can really get messy.

Case in point…

Redditor NonLocalityp wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for telling my friend to ‘man up’ or not to come to my wedding?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“Context: Me (31 M[ale]) and Taylor (30 M) have been best friends since forever.”

“We were school buddies, college friends, my parents love him, we’ve vacationed together many times.”

“Taylor is a very affectionate person, kind, thoughtful guy.”

“Three years ago me and Anne (31 F[emale]) started dating, and now I’m pretty sure she’s the love of my life.”

“Brilliant woman all around.”

“We’re getting married next January.”

“The Conflict: After a long and thoughtful conversation, my fiancée voiced her concerns about inviting Taylor to our wedding.”

“Basically, she had two main reasons for asking him that…”

“1. Dress Code: Taylor is a 30 year old punk.”

“He wore a dress to our prom.”

“You know, that kind of guy.”

“2. Taylor is dating a guy.”

“Which is NOT the problem.”

“But his partner is also very flamboyant.”

“Anne wants a very minimalist, quiet, calm, wedding, because she struggles with anxiety and A[ttention] D[eficit] [H]yperactivity [D]isorder.”

“So, that was her request.”

“I talked to Taylor the next day, and I told him about Anne’s concerns.”

“Tay said ‘Do you think I’m gonna show up in a white dress?'”

“And laugh about it, but I told him he needed to promise he would respect the dress code.”

“Black tuxedo for the guys… that was the code.”

“I got a little caught in the moment so maybe I was harsher than I should’ve been.”

“I told him to ‘man up’ and to ‘act his age.'”

“I said some stupid stuff like ‘people laugh about you, you want to be a joke?'”

“He said ‘Sure, no problem’ and the next day he declined the online invitation.”

“He keeps telling me ‘we’re good’ and everything is okay, but the situation it’s bothering me.”

“‘I love Tay, but I know he can be difficult.'”

“My group chat with my family is burning because they don’t understand why he will not be there, and our friend’s group chat is dead since the news dropped.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.

“YTA. This could have been a really easy ‘Hey, it’s important to my fiancée that everyone respects the dress code.'”

“Telling him to ‘man up,’ ‘act his age,’ ‘people laugh about you’ is beyond rude and mean. It’s cruel.”

“If I was Taylor I wouldn’t attend your wedding either.”

“You need to apologize and take responsibility for being a pr**k if you have any chance of maintaining this friendship.”

“Though I don’t know why Taylor would want to.” ~ mr_waterloo

“100% This!! YTA.”

“You screwed the pooch on how you handled this one!!!”

“You should have stood up for your best friend, at the very least changed your delivery – ‘Man Up’ what the hell is that??”

“You and your fiancée deserve each other with this crap!!!”  ~ No_Requirement_4316

“I don’t think that’s entirely fair.”

“From what I gathered from the post, the fiancée didn’t want him to not attend, just tone down the high energy, and respect the dress code.”

“All she asked for was a calm wedding.”

“As someone with anxiety, and possibly A[ttention] D[eficit] [H]yperactivity [D]isorder, I feel that is totally reasonable.”

“OP on the other hand was an absolute AH.”

“He had no reason to unleash on him.”

“And I feel he used his fiancée as an excuse to say what he’s been wanting to say for a while. OP YTA!” ~ StrannaPearsa

“Queer here, I have seen some crazy s**t worn to weddings (think prosthetic breasts, nothing but a sheer top over them).”

“Most of the time, this is done at weddings where the couple is a-ok with it.”

“But I know 1 person (there’s always that one person) who is very much contrarian to the extreme, 50/50 chance (s)he’d either wear a white dress or a Canadian tuxedo (all denim).”

“Although unlikely, it is possible OPs friends boyfriend is this extra.”

“Either way though, OP still botched this entirely.”  ~ cake4thepeople

“But, but, but Taylor wore a DRESS to PROM!!”

“He’s THAT guy!!!”

“This is all about OP and his fiancée’s homophobia.”

“They don’t want his gay friend to embarrass them with their eccentricities.”

“If it were just about the wardrobe he would have explained the dress code and left it at that.”

“Anyone with an ounce of common sense would understand a bride wants to be the focus on her wedding day.”

“She doesn’t want competition by any of the attendees.”

“There was no need for the ‘man up’ comment.”  ~ whoubeiamnot

“Depending on how she voiced it, I don’t even think she was in the wrong.”

“This guy sounds like he’s really bad at getting the original intent across and makes everything sound jerkish.”

“I’m betting she probably was like ‘Hey, I know your friend has done a lot of flamboyant stunts and that’s great for him, but could you make sure he keeps things low key for our wedding?'” ~ Lovingbutdifferent

“Like, simply, ‘I want it to be our special day, without adding another episode to the Escapades of Taylor.'”

“I have a lot of biker/punk/tatted friends, but we embrace each other’s chaos.”

“Anne doesn’t seem to embrace Taylor much, if at all, by OP’s account.”

“Defo sticking with a YTA for OP on this one.”  ~ Vaidurya

“Yeah, that’s kind of how I initially read it.”

“But it’s so hard to know what the fiancée actually meant because it’s being filtered through what OP ended up saying.”

“I’ve known people who want to be provocative and shocking and it’s great for them but also nervewrecking when you’re not sure if they’re going to pull some main character s**t and dress to cause a scene.”

“And there are people who think a purple shirt is going to be too gay and cause Great Aunt Susan to have a conniption so you better look as Heterosexual as possible.”

“There’s just not enough to know for sure.”

“But OP is absolutely the AH for how he talked to his (ex)friend.”  ~ turbulentdiamonds

“Hopping onto the top comment for the following.”

“I’ve observed so many homophobes do this thing when they find out a family member or friend is gay.”

“They never identify them as such.”

“They’ll say things like ‘He’s dating a guy,’ but never say ‘He’s gay, and he’s bringing his boyfriend.'”

“YTA dude. Your disdain for this guy and his community drips off the post.”  ~ sarcastibot8point5

“Yeah. He just dropped a bunch of homophobic and transphobic garbage on his former best friend, who now thinks he has no idea who this guy he was hanging out with for the last 10+ years is.”

“You mocked his entire identity as if it were just a stunt.”

“Taylor is owed a huge apology, but I won’t be surprised if decides not to forgive. OP, YTA.”   ~ eightmarshmallows

“YTA.You’ve outed yourself as someone who doesn’t accept or respect your friend the way he is.”

“Your fiancée obviously feels the same.”

“I wasn’t sure what asking him to follow dress code had to do with manning up either?”

“But as Onewithoutwinter says here, it’s the dress thing.”

“You’ve splashed your own insecurities all over the place and harmed your relationship with your “best” friend in one fell swoop.”  ~ CuriousPalpitation23

“Of course YTA.”

“The only AH thing Taylor is doing is staying friends with you because it is incredibly disrespectful to his partner.”

“You want him to ‘act his age,’ but accepting yourself for who you are and being kind to other people are way more mature traits than calling someone a ‘punk’ and ‘that kind of guy.'”

“You are a disgusting, bigoted homophobe who is not secure in what masculinity is.”  ~ Usrname52

“YTA… You could have just left it at ‘We would love you to be there with your partner but ask that you please respect the dress code for our special event.'”

“But instead you insulted your friend, told him he’s a laughing stock, and implied that ‘everyone laughs at you, you’re a joke.'”

“You were a real asshole to someone you say you love and who is such a good friend.”

“I’m surprised he told you that it’s OK, because I bet it’s NOT OK.”

“And you should expect Taylor to distance from you and likely cut you out of their lives, because now you’ve shown him what you really think.”  ~ TheDreadPirateJeff

“OP YTA. I too doubt that this friendship will survive.”

“I know if someone who I thought was a true friend spoke to me like OP did to Taylor, I’d never be able to forget it.”

“OP showed a really ugly side of himself and I seriously doubt Taylor can (or should) ever forget that.”

“Even if OP apologizes profusely, I think some irreparable damage has been done.”

“OP and his fiancée probably won’t have to worry about Taylor and his flamboyant boyfriend ‘not meeting their expectations’ after this.”  ~ Tranqup

“YTA. You really don’t understand that it’s not OK to tell a gay man who wears dresses to ‘man up???'”

“WTF? And what does any of this have to do with his age?”

“This guy’s supposed to be your best friend and you’re being bigoted, shallow, and judgmental.”  ~ Fuzzy-Constant

Well OP, Reddit is pretty clear where they stand.

It may be time for a simple heart to heart with your bud.

Good luck.