Our histories inform the type of people that we are.
The difficulties faced and the triumphs achieved shape the person we become.
What happens when one person’s culture is another person’s insult?
This is the problem that brought Redittor and Original Poster (OP) foodormoney to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for guidance.
He asked:
“AITA for asking my gf not to eat so much”
First, the players.
“I know the title sounds bad but this is a pretty specific situation so please hear me out.”
“I (26 Male) have been dating a woman we will call Ashley (26 Female) for about 3 months.”
Then the background.
“Ashley grew up financially well off and relatively privileged and it has been a point of friction in our relationship with her not understanding/grasping the level of poverty I and my family grew up with.”
“It is also relevant to this story that Ashley is a heavier person and is a very vocal advocate for body positivity and will very assertively stand up to anyone fat-shaming herself or others.”
OP broke down the problem.
“The other person who is relevant to this story is my grandma (70).”
“My grandmother is a wonderful woman but she is both very proud and very broke.”
“She likes to have us over for dinner and is an excellent cook but financially she can’t really afford it.”
“She refuses to take any money from me or anyone else and won’t let anyone bring food saying it’s her responsibility to take care of the family.”
“She also takes offense if you turn down the invitation.”
“About a month ago we had dinner with her and Ashley liked the food so much she went back for second and third large portions.”
“This is not done in my family, we all take a single small portion, as the leftovers are what my grandmother has to eat for the week so Ashley taking more meant my grandmother didn’t eat for the next couple days.”
“After the dinner, I explained this to Ashley and she was shocked.”
“I tried to bring my grandmother food but she refused the ‘charity’ out of pride.”
“My grandmother has invited us to dinner again this weekend.”
Now to the current issue.
“Before we go I tried to have a discussion with Ashley re-iterating my grandmother’s financial situation and asking that she try to only take a single smaller portion so my grandmother can have food for the week.”
“I said we could go eat again after the meal if she was still hungry.”
“Ashley got very angry at this and said “she will NOT be shamed for her eating, she will NOT limit her food and that NO ONE other than her decides when she’s had ‘enough’ food” she also said I was fat-shaming her.”
“This whole ordeal has highlighted a lot of incompatibility issues and I don’t know if the relationship is going to last but just want some other opinions on if I’m the AH.”
Despite having concerns about the relationship, OP was still wondering:
“AITA for asking my GF to limit her eating?”
He brought the situation to Reddit.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Ashley’s lack of empathy was questioned.
“NTA.”
“You can be positive about something to the point of being toxic, and that is where Ashley is at.”
“I’ve been there before.”
“I had a friend spend the night as a child.”
“When my mom made breakfast for the family the next morning, he ate so much that my mom did not get a chance to eat (he was from a more well-off family where portions never needed to be controlled).”
“I told him about it, he understood, and that was that.”
“We were in like 5th grade.”
“If a literal child can grasp it, then she should be able to.”
“She might have her own issues that she’s projecting, but when she’s putting that over your grandmother’s well-being then it is selfish, full stop”~GoldenFrog14
And,
“She’s literally taking food out of your grandma’s mouth.”
“The fact that she still have attitude after you explained the situation… She’s a massive a**hole.”
“NTA.”
“Dump her.”~ZampyZero
Other responses were more direct.
“Fck that. NTA, Ashley needs to go.”~FoxUniCarKilo
Some pointed out the grandmother’s unhealthy mindset.
“Unfortunately it’s a common thing. Pride over self-preservation…. most likely a parent made them believe its better to go hungry than take charity.”~PumpkinSpicedbagel
There was a count of the warning signs:
“Agreed.”
“If she doesn’t care about an older lady who is being very kind and generous (warning there!), then she should at least care that this is an important person to OP (additional warning!). Two very bad signs.”
“All the way around it sounds like it’s all about her and nobody else matters in the least.”
“It also sounds like she has some past fat-shaming issues that she is going to take out on people regardless of what their actual intention was.”~goodstuff2020
Creative suggestions were also given to help grandma without insulting her.
“Going to add that perhaps OP can invite Grandma over to teach him how to cook her “____” because they enjoyed it so much.”
“It’s a win/win since OP will get to spend some quality time with Grandma, Ashley will get to eat, and Grandma can take some home with her since ‘there’s too much food for just the two of you’.”~NoLossToss
OP did return to add some clarity to his story.
“EDIT: a lot of people are asking why I didn’t tell my GF before the first meal.”
“To be frank I didn’t think of it.”
“It hadn’t occurred to me that someone would go to someone else’s house and eat two days worth of food in a sitting.”
History may inform who we become, but it is not what decides who we are.
We dictate how we cope with our tragedies and how we celebrate our victories.
It is up to us to be respectful, to be kind, and to be generous so that others feel safe in being those things with us.