All of us have moments when we’re deeply in need, and it impacts us when someone is willing to help us out.
But sometimes things don’t go so well when someone tries to help, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Spiritual_Local_8804 was regretting helping her son’s girlfriend out by allowing her to move into their home.
When it seemed there was nothing she was willing to do to help herself, the Original Poster (OP) felt it was time to make new living arrangements.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my son’s girlfriend that I refuse to accept her mental illness excuses anymore?”
The OP previously made agreements for her son’s girlfriend to live with them.
“My son (21) started dating Amber (21 Female) three years ago, and at the end of 2021, she moved into my house. I allowed it for the sake of my son’s mental health or feelings.”
“Her parents were moving out of state and she didn’t have any friends or family she could stay with here.”
“I watched my son cry for weeks because his girlfriend had no choice but to move away with her parents and ultimately Momma Bear came out and protected my son the only way I knew how.”
“So, she moved in, but I made it perfectly clear to both my son and Amber that I fully expected rent payments (to cover food and the extra hot water cost). I was only going to charge exactly what the extra cost would have been, which was roughly $400. And I also stated that Amber was to get a job.”
“Both of them agreed to this. I even put it in writing and had it filled out as a tenancy agreement so that they could get their own place afterward and have references for rental history. So the lease was all signed, stamped, and notarized.”
But the arrangement was not as positive as it seemed on paper.
“In the first couple of months, it really appeared like Amber was trying to get a job, but after that, she just full-on stopped giving a f**k.”
“If I asked if she had rent, she would immediately be like, ‘You know I don’t,’ and just shrugged it off.”
“My son was paying the entire rent by himself. Which, whatever. If he wants to do that, then that’s on him.”
“But it was the lack of caring and the complete taking advantage of the situation that p**sed me off.”
“After about seven months, I sat Amber down, reminded her of my agreement, and told her she was walking on thin ice. I also told her that I was fed up with her not even attempting to hold up her end of the deal.”
“She then pulled the, ‘I understand where you’re coming from but try to be sympathetic about the fact that I haven’t seen my parents in months and I’m struggling to even get out of bed’ line.”
“I did sympathize with this. I even offered to get her into therapy. She said she would when she felt she was mentally ready.”
“Yeah, that time never came but the excuses stuck. It’s always a different excuse but usually has something to do with missing her parents.”
But then the OP had enough of her son’s girlfriend’s behavior.
“Well, this month I saw that my hot water bill skyrocketed by an extra $300. It then came to my attention that Amber has been showering THREE times a day because ‘standing under the scolding water is the only thing that takes away my sadness.'”
“At this point, I was done. I’m forking out an extra $700 a month with no help from her, and my son is struggling to pay her portion because he is in college.”
“So I again told her she needed a job.”
“She pulled the ‘I’m so depressed, I can barely drag myself out of bed. I can’t work outside of this house.'”
“I snapped and said I refuse to accept her millions of mental illness excuses anymore and either she finds a job within the month or I’m canceling her lease and she can get the f**k out.”
“She ran to the room crying and slammed the door.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the OP had done more than enough to help her son’s girlfriend.
“NTA. She’s taking advantage of you at this point an extra $700 is a lot of money and when it’s month after month something has to give unless you got it like that.”
“Honestly, your son would have had to have his cry and eventually he would move on and meet someone new as I wouldn’t have taken her in, to begin with. That was very generous of you.”
“Her moving could have been the best thing for her but no one knows. Honestly, it appears as if she just really doesn’t want to work.” – Long_Squash1762
“There is also a very big difference between someone who is mentally ill and struggling severely but still trying and someone who is mentally ill and struggling severely and not even attempting to put any effort into getting better.”
“Amber is firmly the latter. Perhaps my judgment would be different if she had taken up OP’s offer for therapy and was confirmed to be attending consistently, even if there were no noticeable improvements.”
“That at least would have proven that she’s willing to put some effort in and that she does at least want to improve her mental state. It would have been a good-faith effort on her part to start actively changing the current state of things for the better.”
“But this? This is, at best, someone who is refusing to take accountability for themselves and would rather wallow in their suffering indefinitely than roll up their sleeves and get to work (both figuratively and literally).”
“I know that improving one’s mental health can be unbelievably difficult… but Amber isn’t even trying to try to abide by the original agreement, and OP has previously been more than generous in their various offers to help her.” – DumpstahKat
“OP has been very accommodating. It seems that too many people these days try to pass their laziness off by feigning mental health. This kid needs a reality check and needs to get off the sofa and into employment pretty sharpish.” – BoudicaTheArtist
“She is just making excuses now because she’s too lazy to do it and knows your son will fork out the money. She needs to grow up and understand that life doesn’t work this way. If her mental health is as bad as she makes out to be, then she needs to seek medical care.”
“I have mental health issues but I still have to get up and go to work or I wouldn’t have a roof over my head.” – Charming_Rub4084
“OP, I would take your son out somewhere and talk to him. Ask him if he’s happy. Ask him if he thinks being with Amber is making him a better or worse person. Ask him to picture a life without her, what does it look like?”
“Does he want to eventually get a job supporting her while she does nothing all day? Or have kids with her and have to take care of the kids, clean the house, and pay all the bills? Or does he want an equal partner? Does he feel trapped in the relationship?”
“Get a sense of where he is, and then let him know you’re serving Amber a 30-day notice (or whatever, she’s not paying bills, so you probably don’t even have to do this). Her parents can come get her. Or pay for a ticket to fly her out to where they are. Whatever.”
“But you’re done with her living with you. You’re done watching him work so hard to support someone who won’t do anything for themselves. Tell him you love him, and that you can’t make him break up with her, but that you don’t think she’s good for him. Either way though, you’re done with the situation.”
“Hopefully, he’ll feel relieved. I imagined on some level he’s feeling exhausted and trapped but doesn’t know how to get out of the situation. And because she’s not working, and not willing to work, chances are she’ll move home and hopefully that will make it easier for him to end things, if he’s not ready just yet.” – crystallz2000
Others thought it was time the girlfriend’s parents stepped in to help her.
“If her mental health is so bad over her parents, it’s time she went to stay with them.”
“Time to talk to her parents about what’s going on and book her a one-way flight to visit them. Something which either she or her parents can pay for that, by the way.” – dheffe01
“OP, please consider gifting her a one-way bus ticket to visit her parents. Tell her you feel so bad that she is suffering and you don’t know how long she may need to stay in order to feel better. Just get her out before she gets pregnant.”
“Once she is gone, you can work on your son. Box up her stuff and mail it to her. You wouldn’t her to be without her stuff?” – Key_Plastic_3372
“She’s taking financial advantage of the son and his mom. If she misses her family that much, she needs to go wherever they are and live with them.”
“Everyone uses mental illness as an excuse for everything nowadays… how do you know when they are using it as an excuse or really are ill or if she’s a Dr. Google expert?”
“I’m on is doing the right thing… messing around with this girl, she will be in financial ruin with the water bill alone!” – RecentCharge655
“NTA. If she is experiencing mental health issues due to separation from her family, then maybe she should go to them.”
“She agreed to your terms before moving in and is now leeching off you and your son. She is not your responsibility and needs to get help.”
“Mental health issues are valid, and they don’t magically go away. She needs to do something different or things will stay the same. This could be a lifelong issue if you don’t find a place to stand your ground. Good luck.” – giraffes-anonymous
“My brother had a girlfriend that lived with my parents for three years without ever getting a job or doing anything (he worked full time, did all cooking, all cleaning, all shopping, etc). She just played video games all day.”
“He only got rid of her once he paid for her to go fly home (different state) for a ‘visit’ and then broke up with her.”
“I’d highly recommend the plane ticket home ASAP. She will never change.” – Kooky_Ad961
The subReddit assured the OP that she had already done more than enough to save her son’s feelings and to take care of his girlfriend. If the girlfriend wasn’t willing to get a job, find a way to pay rent, and scale back on her hot water usage, the OP was safe to consider her rental contract broken.