Friend break-ups are no fun, especially when its not even your own.
Redditor No-Professor4199 recently had to deal with one such friendship fall-out for her daughter.
The Original Poster (OP’s) daughter and long-time close friend found themselves drifting apart as they got into middle school.
This was mostly because of different grades when it came to group projects.
The OP found herself having to explain this to her daughter’s former friend’s mom.
The other mother couldn’t understand the situation, and a disagreement ensued.
This drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for telling another mother our children aren’t close anymore due to intelligence levels”
She went on to explain:
“My daughter let’s call her Sophie used to be best friend with Kat. They used to be best friends in elementary school but ever since middle school have started to grow apart.”
“The school split the kids in advance, and normal for math and science. All other classes are still together.”
“My daughter got placed in the advance and Kat got placed in normal. No big deal they still see each other in school. They were still close friends until group projects.”
“There have been multiple group projects and kids get to pick their partners. Kat and Sophie usually work together, and that is when issues start happening.”
“Sophie would get really frustrated that the work Kat did wasn’t correct. I told her to just turn it in without fixing it and she got a bad grade on that assignment.”
“After that Sophie went through a period of time fixing stuff after a while I told her to stop doing group projects with her. So they stopped doing projects together and the friendship blew up.”
“So they are not friends anymore. It’s Sophie’s birthday and invites were sent out. Kat wasn’t on the invite list my daughter made.”
“I got a call from her mom asking why she wasn’t invited. I informed her they aren’t really friends anymore, she said invite her anyways since this is just a spat.”
“I told her the people invited were people my daughter wanted at the event.”
“This went for a while and came to why they weren’t friends anymore and I said it was due to both girls intelligence levels, and tried explaining the group project issue.”
“She got pissed accusing me I am calling her kid dumb ( never said that). She called me a jerk.”
“Edit. I did tell her they weren’t firmed anymore, she kept asking why, that’s the reason I brought up the issue of why they aren’t friends anymore. I wasn’t going to lie.”
“Also she should already know why that friendship blew up, the kids were arguing about it constantly for a while”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“YTA and in such a way that I worry the universe might collapse around you.”
“First, intelligence isn’t really a thing the way you’re thinking of it. Look up Gardner’s intelligences and consider these.”
“Is your daughter truly as advanced across all domains? Evidently not in the social one.”
“Second, consider what you are teaching your daughter. She’s allowed to be rude to and angry at people who score lower than her?”
“Is that something that applies to anyone, because it will be interesting when someone excludes her for not being as advanced as they are…”
“…and she internalises it as being her fault because that’s what you’ve taught her.”
“There was a real opportunity to teach her to respond with compassion and humility, which would have given her such valuable characteristics and lessons…”
“…about how to relate to other people in school and the workplace. Instead, she will really struggle if she repeats this.”
“Go look up process approach to learning and ask yourself if you’re setting her up to learn or to stop learning as soon as she feels she is better than someone else.” – MarshadowLivesHere
“YTA. You are likely smart enough to know that while you didn’t call her dumb, you said everything but. Why did you say that, I wonder.”
“You could have just said the friends fell out over school projects. Be wary of raising a child to believe she’s intellectually superior to other kids.”
“Kids like that often fall flat in their 20s when grades are not important anymore. Kat might be thriving by then with a friend group who recognizes her best qualities.”
“And consider there are lots of reasons why kids can be difficult group project members. It could even be your daughter was hypercritical, and Kat stopped trying.”
“There also are many different types of intelligence. Kat could be smart in ways you don’t understand or value, so maybe stop acting like an expert?” – ProfessionalElk88
“Yeah definitely YTA. You totally called her kid dumb without calling her kid dumb.”
“All you had to do was say as far as you know they aren’t really friends anymore that they started having a downfall over group projects and have just drifted apart.”
“My son and his friends drifted apart bc he was in honors classes, so they didn’t have the same classes or lunch anymore…”
“…do you think for a second he was like, well we aren’t close due to intelligence levels….lmao do you not realize how awful that sounds?” – lilmonkiesmama
“There are LOTS of ways to explain children growing apart. They are not in the same classes, they have new and different friends, their interests are different, etc”
“You went for the jugular.”
“YTA” – Aggravating-Pain9249
“This is the way my mom thinks. She’s smart enough not to say it to someone, but she puts an insane amount of weight on education on what someone’s job is.”
“She thinks my husband is stupid because he didn’t go to college and works a blue-collar job.”
“Multiple times, she’s made comments about how we can’t move too far from them because she wants to be close to her grandkids so ‘they’ll be smart.'”
“Something my teen sister repeats constantly now.”
“She’s one of the most emotionally unintelligent people that I know, much like you, Op.”
“There was absolutely no reason to mention intelligence, and honestly, you’re not that intelligent as you think if this was something you’d say.” – BaoBunny44
“YTA. It sounds like your interference is the reason the girls aren’t friends anymore.”
“You’re the one who told your daughter to stop doing group projects with Kat, and that’s when the friendship blew up. Your bad advice is the root cause of all of this.”
“Just because Kat wasn’t placed in the advanced classes doesn’t mean she’s less intelligent than Sophie. There are different types of intelligence.”
“There may be areas in which Kat thrives but Sophie struggles and vice versa. Don’t allow your daughter to look down on others just because she’s doing slightly better academically.”
“There will come a time when that will balance out, and when it happens, you’re not going to want anyone to judge her.” – Mother_Tradition_774
“ESH”
“Kat’s mother was being extremely pushy and micromanaging her daughter’s life.”
“I cannot understand why she wanted to force her daughter to attend the party of a child she is no longer friends with.”
“Unless her daughter had expressed being upset over not being friends with Sophie anymore, but that wasn’t discussed.”
“You should have ended the conversation at ‘they aren’t friends anymore, the children invited at the children my daughter wanted at HER event’.”
“At most, you could have said you didn’t think it was fair on either child to force them to get along, especially for your daughter on her birthday.”
“How would you have felt in her shoes if she was telling you Sophie wasn’t intelligent enough to be friends with her daughter anymore?” – Doktor_Seagull
“YTA.”
“Even if the main basis for the rupture of their friendship was the friction caused by disparate performance on group projects…”
“…intelligence is a fraught topic laden with socially imposed shame and resentment. You should have known better than to phrase it that way.”
“A simple, nonconfrontational statement was in order. ‘Yeah, I understand they had some conflict and grew apart, as so often happens in middle school.'”
“‘It’s unfortunate, but it happens. I like Kat, but Sophie chose not to invite her, and I have to respect that.'”
“Kat’s mom calling about the lack of invite might have been appropriate in grade school, but in middle school, hard as it is…”
“…it is better to let the kids handle these things unless bullying or abuse is involved.”
“Group assignments tend to be a team building exercise in addition to an educational one, and here Sophia ran smack dab into a problem that happens on many adult teams…”
“…disparity in quality of input and perhaps in amount of effort.”
“If I were her parent, I would have directed her to bring up the issue privately with the teacher(s) involved for direction and strategies for making it work…”
“…and if that didn’t work but Sophie still valued Kat’s friendship, for mandatory group assignments so she could be paired with other kids.” – Curious-One4595
Verdict: OP is definitely leaning toward a**holery.
But what do you think? Let us know in the comments below.