Wedding days are personal and we have been socialized to want the perfect fairytale wedding. Both the bride and the groom—or brides or grooms—feel a lot of pressure to make sure things go as planned and even better if possible.
Emotions run high around a wedding, and when disputes come up, they can be difficult to handle with care—as Redditor PriorDragonfruit8147 found out firsthand.
Embroiled in a dispute with his fiancée over the kind of dress she’s chosen for their special day, he took to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” in order to get some perspective.
“AITA for telling my fiancée that it would be tacky for her to wear a wedding dress emphasizing her baby bump?”
Our original poster, or OP, went into detail about why and how his pregnant fiancée came to have to get married with a visible pregnancy belly.
“***Context:*** We were originally supposed to be married back in June, but that was canceled for obvious reasons. We’re both in our 30s, so the plan had been to start trying for a baby right before our wedding.”
“I wanted to delay that when the wedding was canceled since I didn’t want her to be pregnant and unmarried, but she begged me to stick with the original plan due to our age and medical history and promised that if and when she got pregnant we’d have a civil ceremony.”
“She got pregnant our first cycle but didn’t want to have the ceremony right away. She said there was no rush.”
“By August she had decided she instead wanted to do a small ceremony in December at her parents’ house and didn’t want a civil ceremony because she wanted our ceremony to be ‘real.’ Fine.”
Now that the “real” ceremony is on the horizon, there are some finer points to work out.
“***Dispute:*** My fiancée’s original dress won’t work for our wedding in December because by then she’ll be almost 30 weeks pregnant, so she had to find another that would work with her stomach. I haven’t seen it, but when I asked her how it works, she told me it is form fitted.”
“I did ask her to clarify just to be sure I didn’t have the wrong idea, and she told me that the dress isn’t meant to hide her stomach. It is meant to complement it.”
OP was already feeling a little weird before this all happened:
“I am already uncomfortable with this situation, and I have family coming that are not happy with the way we’ve done things. I can deal with that, but I think this is too much.”
“It’s a bad look IMO that makes us look tacky. She, on the other hand, says it’s fine and not a problem.”
But OP knows that he may be in the wrong here:
“***Why I may be the a**hole:*** I told her my thoughts and how I felt her flaunting her pregnancy while we’re getting married would be a bad look. I said that wearing a dress like that would be tacky and begged her to choose something less form fitting.”
“That really upset her, so now I am the a**hole because I, in her words, am prioritizing the feelings of my family over her feelings and shaming her for being pregnant and treating her like an embarrassment.”
OP however still feels entitled to his feelings:
“My intent wasn’t to hurt her or make her feel like I am ashamed of her, but I want her to be reasonable and sensitive to the situation.”
“I did offer to do a separate ceremony later after the baby is born, if we had eloped, but she declined; so I don’t think she can say I didn’t try to accommodate her and I don’t feel like my ask is unreasonable given how flexible I’ve been until now.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit wasted no time telling OP he was a giant a**hole.
“YTA 100% YTA YTA”
“You know where babies come from. You’re trying to shame her for not being embarrassed even though you’re embarrassed.”
“Cut the apron strings with your 19th century family.”
“‘I, in her words, am prioritizing the feelings of my family over her feelings and shaming her for being pregnant and treating her like an embarrassment.'”
“She is correct.”
“‘but I want her to be reasonable'”
“You mean embarrassed.”
“‘and sensitive to the situation.'”
“About what a slut an unmarried pregnant woman is?”
“‘I did offer to do a separate ceremony later after the baby is born, if we had eloped, but she declined;'”
“Mighty magnanimous of you to give her a golden opportunity to keep her dirty little secret from your upstanding family whose opinions actually matter to you.”
“‘so I don’t think she can say I didn’t try to accommodate her'”
“……appalling, brazen, slutty refusal to hide herself from your justifiably mortified family, amirite? 🙄”
“‘and I don’t feel like my ask is unreasonable'”
“Dude, it is unreasonable for the man who got her pregnant to expect her to be embarrassed for herself; much less to think that you are doing her some kind of favor for trying to convince her it’s some kind of social faux pas.”
“‘given how flexible I’ve been until now.'”
“You have clearly expressed the fact that you feel personally humiliated by her pregnancy, are horrified to discover she is not, and want to shame her into acting like it’s a dirty little secret to be hidden.”
“There is nothing ‘flexible’ about trying to bully her into acting as if she has something to be ashamed of.”~Ragingredblue
“OP, huge YTA. My husband and I got married just a few weeks ago. We had to frantically reschedule a wedding we were already planning because of bs 2020 insurance reasons. I was 29 weeks pregnant when we got married. My husband never made me feel anything but beautiful. He actually wanted my dress to be MORE form fitting because he loves my bump. I opted for something more flowy and comfortable, but the point is he was nothing but supportive and complimentary. If I were your fiance, I would seriously reconsider marrying you altogether.”~eclectic_collector
“YTA. You shouldn’t be having a kid if you’re ashamed of your fiancée’s baby bump. She shouldn’t have to hide it or wear a tent because you haven’t finished growing up. How the hell did you think calling her trashy would go over remotely less than terrible.”~Facepalmawall
“YTA it’s not going to be a secret that she’s pregnant. There’s absolutely no reason to hide it. You can grow a pair and tell any family who feel a certain kind of way that it’s 2020 and yall can have whatever kind of family you want in any order that you want. If they don’t like it they don’t need to attend the wedding.”~Pikachinito
OP’s shaming of his fiancée is a major red flag for Reddit.
“YTA. ‘I didn’t want her to be pregnant and unmarried.’ You know this is the 21st century right? Women can have babies without being married. Also, as long as she is comfortable in what she’s wearing, it really does not matter what you think, she is giving you the child you both agreed you wanted, man the f**k up and cherish her like the goddess she is.”~You_just_never_know
“YTA. You shouldn’t have knocked her up before marrying her if it was this big of an issue to begin with.”
“30 weeks? What’s she supposed to wear to hide it? A moo moo? I’d absolutely want to wear a dress that compliments my belly.”
“As for your family who aren’t happy with how you’ve done things… tell them to feel free to skip the wedding. Good vibes and supportive loving family only.”~RyannLazaro
“YTA. It’s her body, she should be able to wear whatever she feels comfortable wearing and you should be telling your family that ‘doesn’t like the way you guys did things’ to GTFO if they don’t like it. I assume you were present at the conception of the child, it’s not like you didn’t agree with this plan right?”
“You should support her in whatever she chooses. Why would you want her to spend the day of your wedding feeling ashamed by her own damn fiance for being pregnant.”~darkstar336
“Yta. You can’t hide a 30 week pregnant belly. If you’re that uncomfortable, you should’ve waited till after you were married to have a baby. You’re being completely unfair to her and making it seem like you’re embarrassed that she’s pregnant. Shame on you.”~holigramj56
In fact, some Redditors are questioning if OP’s fiancée should marry him at all.
“YTA At 30 weeks, it’s not like anyone is going to miss the fact that she’s pregnant. What the dress accentuates is largely beside the point. You two got pregnant on purpose. You planned this knowing that a wedding was on the horizon. I’m not sure why you’re feeling ashamed about it.”
“You wanted to marry before she was showing, but she wanted to wait to celebrate with family and friends. I think you should relax a little bit.”
“Everyone attending your wedding loves you, and even the folks who are clutching their pearls are happy for you & awfully glad you’re bringing a baby into the world.”
“Take your fiancee’s lead here & celebrate the couple you actually are on your wedding day – a couple to whom actually having a healthy baby meant more than propriety.”~pineboxwaiting
“YTA. It’s the year 2020. Plenty of people have children before marriage. Stop thinking about what EVERYONE else will think and start thinking about your wife and child who should be 100x more important than some random extended family members opinion. You chose to get her pregnant before you married her. You don’t get to demand she now be ashamed of her body and ashamed of her baby and hide herself away in an ugly tent which she doesn’t feel beautiful in on her wedding day. If you are embarrassed by her pregnancy seek out therapy for your issues instead of destroying your wife’s self esteem, making her feel bad about her pregnant body, and ruining her wedding day.”
“She’s proud to be pregnant with your baby and wants to show off her bump because of that pride. Ultimately your embarrassment issues are YOUR problem and have zero to do with her. There is absolutely NOTHING tacky about having a baby and getting married. There is absolutely no order in which you MUST build your family. Marriage is optional now a days and kids can come before, after, or not at all. People have kids and houses and families for 20 years sometimes without ever being married. We no longer have to follow outdated rules. Society is free now. Get with the times.”~dogchick1985
“YTA. You were involved during the entire process. You were there. You are an asshole for all the reasons she has said.”
“Also, do you honestly expect your family to believe the baby was born 30 WEEKS early?! What does hiding the pregnancy possibly do? Let her show off what she’s clearly proud of. And consider how decent of a father you are going to be if you’re ashamed of the circumstances surrounding your child’s birth. YTA again, just for emphasis”~kgrimmburn
“YTA she probably loves her pregnant body. A form fitting dress can be crazy beautiful on a pregnant woman. Frankly I think they look better than the shapeless mumu options that are out there by the droves. It’s not like this was an oopsie baby, you 2 planned this and you need to stand up for her to your family. Even if it was an oopsie you still stick up for her.”~flashaahahaah
OP’s behavior toward his fiancée is worrying Redditors about their future married life.
Hopefully OP is able to see the error of his ways and have a much-needed long conversation with his fiancée.