Weddings, as lovely as they are, can be one of the most stressful events of a person’s—or a couple’s—life.
Every detail matters, and every detail is poured over delicately. One of the most *detailed* and fought about aspects is often the guest list.
There can be bloodshed over it. And that’s even before the newlyweds give their two cents on who should attend.
And who should attend is always a big question. That guest list can make you ponder how everyone fits in your life.
Are they worth $100 a plate? One groom needed to discuss this very issue.
Recently, soon-to-be newlywed Redditor TopWonderful1505 found himself dealing with some pre-wedding drama surrounding a past love who is now a good friend.
So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit pleading for advice.
He asked:
“AITA for not inviting my ex to my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Context: I dated my ex, Jane, for 5 years and we broke up in 2017. In 2018, I met my now fiancée, Ana, and she met her now boyfriend, Chris.”
“We are all friends and have gone out together several times over the years. My fiancée trusts me and knows that, even when we met, I already didn’t have any romantic or sexual feelings towards Jane.”
“She doesn’t feel uncomfortable in Jane’s presence and we never fought over it.”
“My fiancée and I got engaged last December, but because of COVID, we held off on making any big decisions until recently (our country relaxed a lot of restrictions in the past couple months).”
“The date has been set to March 3rd, and started working on the guest list. When Jane and Chris came up, I felt like it was just wrong having my ex there.”
“I can’t quite explain it, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. Ana didn’t agree, she wouldn’t mind having them in the ceremony, but she understood where I was coming from and respected my wishes.”
“We are throwing a party after our honeymoon to all our friends, and we’d love to have them — it’s just the ceremony that bugs me.”
“Last night, I went over to their place and talked to them face-to-face about it, explained it the best I could and made it very clear that I was my decision, and that their friendship was very important to us.”
“I told them about the party and invited them. Jane barely talked, and Chris spoke for the both of them.”
“He said that yes, they are sad and were looking forward to it, but it made sense and they will respect it and remain our friends. I tried talking to Jane, but all she did was sigh, nod and look at me.”
“She was pissed. When I felt like I was overstaying my welcome, I went home and left them to talk about it, if they wished to.”
“About an hour later, Chris called me and asked to come over. When I arrived, he was alone and said that Jane was livid.”
“She felt betrayed, like our friendship wasn’t worth anything and decided that if she wasn’t invited to the wedding ceremony, then that would be the end of our friendship.”
“Although Chris didn’t agree with her, he didn’t feel like there was any room to argue with her over it, and if he did, they would have a huge fight.”
“It was very emotional for us, especially me and Chris, since we are very close friends (Ana and Jane hang out sometimes, and they are friends, but not very close).”
“We all apologized and he left. My fiancée and I talked a lot about it last night and today, and we are both sure that if Jane can’t respect our wishes, that it’s for the best.”
“Ever since, a few friends called me an A[**] H[ole] and said that my relationship with Jane was years ago, we both moved on to great relationships and remained good friends.”
“I shouldn’t get stuck on the fact that we dated, and forbidding her from attending was very offensive and an AH move. AITA?”
Redditors had no issue sharing their thoughts on this matter by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors felt our OP was the a**hole. So let’s take a deep dive into their thoughts.
“I just don’t understand. If the four of you are already that close, what’s the point in excluding them from this event?”
“This line in the sand makes zero sense to me, and it kinda undermines your insistence that all of those feelings for Jane are in the past.”
“I’m too bemused to even make a judgment. YTA.” ~ strike_match
“YTA, because you are expecting to both maintain Jane’s friendship and also to treat her as though she’s not a friend.”
“You made the decision not to invite her – fair enough, that’s your wedding, your prerogative – but you also blame her for the consequences. That’s not ok.”
“I think this must have really blindsided Jane.”
“As you point out, not only have you gone out as friends several times over the last four years, but you have also gone out with your new girlfriend (now fiancée) and her new boyfriend.”
“On top of that, you say that you are really close friends with her partner.”
“She had every right to think that you saw both of them as good friends, first and foremost, and had left the ‘ex’ tag a long time ago.”
“I can understand why she feels angry that she is still weighed down by the ‘ex’ label. I’d be upset, too.”
“Your wedding invites are there for your closest friends and family, to represent who is important to you in your life, and who is to share in your moment of joy and your celebration of your love.”
“You chose not to have Jane and Chris there; they have every right to take that as a repudiation of your friendship.”
“You have the right to invite whoever you want. You also then have the responsibility to shoulder the consequences of that decision.”
“Long story short: if you want Jane and Chris to be good friends, invite them to your wedding.”
“If you don’t want to invite them, that’s ok, but they have every right to withdraw from your life and you need to accept that.” ~ jbh01
Friendships can get messy fast.
“YTA. Don’t be close friends with your ex if you don’t plan to treat her like a close friend.”
“Pick one or the other. I’d be offended too.” ~ Which_Range_6014
“YTA. You can’t just pick and choose when she’s your friend. By excluding her you’re basically saying she’s just an ex and not even a friend of yours.”
“Personally I would be extremely hurt if I was her and would also end my friendship with you if I wasn’t invited for such a petty reason.”
“It shows her how little her friendship means to you.”
“It’s ultimately your choice who’s at your wedding but don’t expect to stay friends with Jane OR Chris if you exclude them from your wedding.” ~ Wild_Promise_49
“YTA. Yes your wedding, your rules, but also your choices, your consequences.”
“This situation makes no sense at all. If you are all friends and get along and there’s no lingering feelings as you claim then what exactly is the point in not inviting them?”
“The fact that you can’t give a reason or explain why you don’t want them there leads me to believe you either know you’re being silly, or what you’ve said about everything being all cool amongst the four of you isn’t true.”
“Jane is correct, the friendship isn’t worth anything and you’ve proven that by the fact that you think the romantic relationship you used to have four years ago matters more than the alleged friendship you have now.”
“You don’t want them at your wedding, fine. They no longer want to be part of what is clearly a fake friendship, also fine.” ~ Low-Aerie1917
People are certainly feeling salty about this.
“YTA – so is Jane your friend or not? U mention how it didn’t feel right to have her there but no mention of Chris?”
“I feel like you’re not disclosing the full story.”
“You spend more time over-explaining your fiancée’s feelings towards your ex than explain why you don’t want them there.”
“I’m willing to bet your fiancée isn’t fond of Jane (or there’s some other reason you’re not saying) but bc Jane is a packaged deal with your good buddy Chris there so she’s put up with her.” ~ Miss-Mamba
The “Happy Foursome” no more.
“YTA. you’ve remained close, you hang out a lot as a foursome, your fiancée and Jane hang out as friends.”
“This is a real kick in the pants.”
“Either she’s your friend or she’s not – and not feeling able to have her at your wedding makes it feel like she’s just an ex, or that there are still feelings there, or that she would cause drama – all of which are clearly not true.”
“I’d be hurt too. Good luck trying to come back from this.” ~ roleyroo
Well that has to give our OP a WHOLE lot to think about.
You know, love is hard, especially when it’s over. Trying to stay friends is noble, but not always conducive.
Let’s raise a glass to the happy couples no matter what happens.