Weddings are full of traditions, but some family wedding traditions are more…unique than others.
That’s what one young man discovered late in the planning stages of his wedding, and now he’s having second thoughts.
“throwraxcel2” sought assistance from Reddit’s Relationship Advice column and admitted that although he still wants to marry his girlfriend, he doesn’t want to participate in her family’s communal sex ritual.
“My post was capped because I didn’t have a throwaway account but I’d like some advice,” wrote the bewildered Original Poster (OP).
“So I’m (23M) getting married to my GF (23F) early next year if all goes to plan. I don’t have a lot of family (I’m no contact with my dad for several years now.) She, however, has a huge extended family.”
The OP admitted that while they have contrasting dispositions, he and his girlfriend’s family get along.
“For the most part we get on great. They tend to be very loud and have huge personalities, which is sometimes hard for me to deal with since I’ve always been on the quiet side. But overall very warm and caring people.”
“Something weird I’ve noticed since we got engaged is that my GF’s cousins sometimes make jokes about our wedding night.”
“It’s weird for them to joke about it since I’m pretty sure her family is aware we’ve slept together before since we share a bed at holiday gatherings and vacations.”
“A few nights ago we were discussing wedding plans and thinking about places to go on our honeymoon (if [the pandemic] clears up and we can travel by then).”
“My GF and I were brainstorming ideas when she tells me that we won’t need a bridal suite right away. Obviously I ask why (we’re getting married at a pretty nice hotel) and she says that she’d like for us to stay at her parent’s house.”
The OP wasn’t put off by the unconventional proposal. But details were still coming.
“I don’t really mind this – we’re trying to save money for a house deposit anyway – but GF seems like she has more to say so I push for why she wants it.”
“She tells me that there’s a really old tradition in her family on the wedding night.”
“The husband and wife go into the master bedroom together and they are supposed to ‘consummate’ the marriage.”
“The rest of the family are waiting outside the door so they can applaud them and cheer when they come out. Then a piece of the bed sheet is cut off and sewn into a big tapestry my GF’s mother owns.”
“I think my GF saw I wasn’t happy because she quickly told me that we wouldn’t have to actually consummate the marriage if I felt uncomfortable and we could just pretend.”
“I don’t want anything to do with this.”
“I absolutely freaked and told her under no circumstances will I be doing that kind of thing in front of her whole family.”
His future mother-in-law intervened and gave him an earful about family traditions.
“When I came back from taking a walk to clear my head, she was now noticeably acting down and still is. I think she’s also been texting her family about this because I received a text from her mother telling me that I ‘don’t understand the importance of family’ and tradition yet and this kind of tradition has been around longer than I’ve been alive.”
“I don’t know how I’m meant to go on from here. I really love my GF and she is the woman I want to spend my life with.”
“I’m freaked out of course but she is my whole world. But how should I handle her family and navigate this ‘tradition’?”
Redditors came through for the OP, albeit with plenty of sarcasm.
“Tell them you’ll do it, in return for a dowry of 100 head of cattle, a white stallion and a tract of arable land :)” – thrae_awa
“Jesus, a family sex blanket? I sure hope it’s only decorative and Grandma doesn’t sleep with it.” – squarebodiesforyou
This Redditor couldn’t shake their disbelief over the anti-intimate intimacy.
“And they would be having sex in the master bedroom. Literally f’king in the parents’ bed while the parents stand outside and listen. This is deeply messed up.” – farsighted451
The ritual was reminiscent of a more disturbing ceremony seen on a popular dystopian horror TV show.
“Blessed be the fruit.” – GrapeJamboree
“May the Lord open.” – Ilove18Chocolate
“You hope that’s all they’re doing. Maybe there’s a peephole or a camera?”
“Why would people this weird draw the line at just listening?” – Reasonable_racoon
“I thought there‘s nothing weirder than getting banged by your new husband, while the whole family listened and was excited af.”
“But actually being one of the people waiting and witnessing le grande fuque is so much worse. Jesus Christ.” – SenpaiRanjid
Perhaps lampooning the bizarre tradition with a prank would help take the edge off.
“I don’t have any good advice to add on either but I do have some sh**ty advice and find this hilarious as well.”
“I would treat this as a joke night and not so personal, bring a host of paraphernalia, some fake blood, maybe some porn on your phone thats extra raunchy.”
“Douse the sheets in splotches of fake blood, make horrible groaning and moaning noises, whatever comes to your guys mind at the moment. You would have to get her on the same page but it would be hilarious.”
“Edit: get that fart spray and douse the room in it, so people ask themselves what the f’k happened in there.” – chimerias
“This may actually be the best answer.”
“The rest of the family might not like it, but it’s a helluva lot better than having to end an otherwise loving relationship because her family doesn’t understand that some people have boundaries around this kinda sh*t.”
“Another option is making all the noises yourselves and just massacring the bed, do everything you can to break the frame, crack the headboard, destroy the mattress, make them think you’re the freakiest f*kers ever born.” – OverlordGtros
“I would do the same thing too. Make it a huge joke. Either come out of the room 90 seconds later and see if they cheer and clap after that ‘quick’ performance.”
“Or, better yet, have all these huge dildos, ball gags, BDSM swing attached to the ceiling and any other crazy props you can think of.”
“Then you’ve got to pour a ton of water on the bedding to make it look like the biggest wet spot ever and hand that over to mom when you come out of the room.” – U2fanatic
Finally, some sound advice.
“This is straight up weird af and I have no advice apart from the fact that tradition is just peer pressure from the dead and you need to stand your ground.” – throwaway33414
Welcome to the family, OP. Who knows what other surprises may lie in store.