Experiencing an accident is a very trying time for anyone, but it’s especially hard on someone who develops a disability because of it.
But how a person responds to adversity says a lot about their character. Unfortunately for one husband, he’s begun to see some new colors in his wife that he never expected.
The OP (Original Poster) “MurphysLawEmbodied” reached out to the “Am I the A**hole?” subReddit, looking for second opinions on his outlook.
The OP asked the thread:
“AITA (Am I the A**hole) for resenting my wife over her disability?”
Not long into their marriage, the OP’s wife was injured at work.
“Me (30[Male]) and my wife (32[Female]) have been married for three years.”
“A year after we got together, my wife got hurt at work. She suffered a spine injury and she is now unable to stand for very long.”
“She never pursued workman’s comp and refuses to try and get disability. Anytime I bring it up, she tells me to stop talking about it and that she doesn’t want disability because she used to be able to work and getting SSD would just be a reminder that now she can’t.”
The OP is now in a difficult situation after taking on more responsibilities.
“After her disability, I had to start taking care of things around the house she couldn’t, which is understandable. Problem is, my job works me twelve hours a day, and since she no longer works, I’ve had to pick up overtime as often as I can.”
Unfortunately, the OP’s wife’s treatment of him has become increasingly controlling and unrealistic.
“She started to become much more impatient with me, telling me when I should have been home instead of when I got home, saying I should have been done with one task and onto another.”
“I’d usually get dinner ready and we’d be finished with enough time for me to get maybe six hours of sleep. However, she would often complain that there was still much more to be done and I didn’t actually need very much sleep to function. This would usually lead to an argument before she would often relent and let me get some sleep for the following day.”
“The weekends weren’t much better and she would often demand housework throughout the day and night and, if I said anything otherwise, she would tell me a real man would have no problem with any of what she was asking.”
The OP has attempted to discuss his feelings with his wife but to no avail.
“I’ve tried talking to her, about how much pressure she’s putting on me, about how stressful it is now becoming the sole provider.”
“She either dismisses me as being childish, tells me I’m not being a man, or calls me an a**hole for reminding her that she’s worthless.”
“When I talk about how much work I have to do around the house, she tells me to quit my job and find one where I can work eight hours a day.”
The OP’s begun to harbor some ill feelings about his wife and isn’t sure what to do about it.
“For a while now, I’ve resented her and have started to wonder if I really love her or if I’m just staying because I feel I owe it to her.”
“When we met, she had a son (now 14). I also owned a motorcycle and a nice car (challenger), which I ended up pawning to cover bills.”
“Every single day I hate myself for feeling the way I do, but I can’t help but feel resentful and angry towards my wife for how she behaves now since her injury.”
Fellow Redditors commented on the OP’s outlook and resentment, using the following scale:
- NTA: “Not the A**hole”
- YTA: “You’re the A**hole”
- ESH: “Everybody Sucks Here”
- NAH: “No A**holes Here”
A few Redditors paused the conversation to point out that the OP didn’t seem to resent his wife for her disability, but rather her new treatment of the OP.
“NTA, but it’s not her disability, it’s her sh**ty attitude that’s the issue. Sounds like she needs therapy” – catastic5
“Yeahhhh as I read through, my thought was ‘you aren’t resenting her because of her disability… you are resenting her because she is treating you like crap'”
“NTA OP!!” – AceofToons
Some Redditors agreed and suggested an ultimatum: a new approach or divorce.
“You’re def NOT the a**hole! I’m on disability myself and don’t boss my husband around telling him this [and] that needs to be done and pile on by telling him he’s not doing things fast enough. At this pt you’re a saint—especially if she doesn’t voice any appreciation or even have appreciation for you in the first place!”
“I have waay more issues than your wife, but I put my big-girl panties on [and] faced the fact I’ll probably never work again and filed for disability as soon as I found out I had to have a 2x hip replacement, knee replacement, & shoulder as well. Your wife needs to do the same.”
“I’d give her an ultimatum: file for disability & get a serious attitude adjustment or you leave. I usually don’t recommend them, but in your case I doubt she’ll let you leave [because] she depends on you greatly. But that’s still not a reason to stay in a marriage, so I’d get counseling if you’re mutually committed to one another.” – coelleen
“It’s honestly ultimatum time. Either seek a marriage counselor, a personal therapist and speak to a workman’s comp lawyer or divorce.”
“Either way at the rate things are going this woman is going to lose her husband. Either because OP has a complete mental breakdown because of burnout or because he leaves her.” – area51suicidalfunrun
A few also pointed out the importance of filing for disability and hiring someone to help.
“She’s a bully, plus she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide if she gets a disability as she’s relying on someone else to support her.” – Oblivinatior
“If the wife is too disabled to do much work if at all, she can apply for/use disability/SSDI money to help pay the bills, or hire a maid to clean the house.”
“Having a disability is not easy to live with or deal with, I get it. But being a mooch and doing nothing to contribute (financially if not physically) is no better.” – PillowofCarnage
“Yes, and if she at the very least applied for disability. They could use that money for a housekeeper. Which would at least have her contributing something, and not leave such a heavy burden on OP. But she seems to WANT to abuse him instead, and contribute nothing.”
“Honestly, I question if OP Has been to a dr appt with his wife, and if her injury is really as extreme as she is claiming” – lmdelint
Others felt for the OP’s wife and suggested this was a major adjustment period for her, but amended that she still shouldn’t be taking it out on her husband.
“She definitely needs therapy. Life-changing injures are absolutely brutal to deal with mentally.”
“It took me about 3 years with therapy to get over the mental aspect of breaking my neck. Like, it changed me as a person on a fundamental level in ways that I really did not like. Looking back, it was much tougher to deal with than the physical pain of rehab.” – GucciJesus
“She sounds like she’s grieving the life she’ll never get back. It doesn’t excuse her behavior. Therapy to help cope would be a good plan. NTA.” – nebulousennui
It must be a horrible situation for everyone involved at the moment, learning how to live with a new disability, a new income ceiling, and an entirely new outlook on life.
Many Redditors seem to think the ultimatum is much-needed to help the relationship heal and move forward.