Trust is a delicate thing.
The difficulty, of course, is that trust can take a very long time to build, but only moments to damage.
So what happens when that trust is broken but your reaction is viewed as irrational?
This was the problem plaguing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Any-Ad7452 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for guidance.
“AITA for revoking my husband’s access to my bank account?”
She began with the backstory.
“My husband and I have been married for 3 years.”
“We have two separate bank accounts but both of us know the info of each other’s bank account.”
“My husband is working a good job, gets a lot of money. I’m currently on pregnancy leave but I also have a good job as an optometrist.”
“I also have lots of savings on my bank account.”
Then she got to the issue at hand.
“Recently I found out my husband got money out of my bank account, around 3k to lent to his brother.”
“His brother has a job but refuses to spend his own money and expects his mom and dad to provide for him while he spends money on games and stuff like that.”
“Apparently my BIL(Brother in Law) owed some people 3k and despite the fact he had that amount in his own bank account he asked my husband for money.”
“My husband not only gave him money but got my own savings from my own bank account without asking me first.”
“When I found out I confronted my husband.”
“Then he went to his parents and brother and complained about me confronting him.”
“My in-laws called me and said I’m an entitled AH to make such a big deal over 3k since my parents are rich and that amount is insignificant to me.”
“They said their son needs it to pay off some loans and I’m TA for making my husband feel bad for helping out his brother.”
OP took steps to make sure this wouldn’t happen again.
“I revoked my husband’s access to my bank account and now he’s saying I’m TA and taking it too far instead of trying to resolve this another way.”
Still, she was left to wonder,
She brought the issue to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were succinct.
“But a man who steals from me and then go cry to his parents when he got caught would not be a man I’d want to stay married to or raise a child with.”~Primary-Criticism929
Others were concerned about the relationship.
“Your husband has shown two major, marriage risking behaviors.”
“One he broke your trust by stealing from your personal account.”
“He didn’t ask you if you’d want to help the brother, he didn’t use his own money, and he didn’t even tell you what he did on his own.”
“He knew it was wrong and did it anyway.”
“Two, he sicced his family on you rather than deal with the problem with you directly.”
“NTA I think your marriage has hit a major crisis and this should not be swept under the rug.”~Nyankh
People were suspicious of the husband’s anger…
“1. Why is the husband so upset about her revoking his access to her personal accounts unless he planned on taking more from her.”
“2. He took it too far by badmouthing her to his family and sticking them on her rather than trying to resolve the issue.”
“An issue he caused.”
“He has no right to talk about how she should resolve it when he’s the one who escalated it after being the guilty party.”
“3. This family is insane.”~Anomalyyyyyyyyy
…and also OP’s safety.
“Maternity leave is when you are at your most vulnerable. There is a reason most women who are having babies get asked by nurses if they have a safe home environment.”
“Your husband just told you that: A) He’ll help himself to your income without your approval”
“B) He’ll help himself to your income while you aren’t earning your normal wages (ie eating into your safety net).”
“C) He won’t let you raise issues and will walk out on you (and presumably your child although it’s not clear how long he was gone) if you take issue with his behaviour”
“D) He will get his family to bully you when you disagree.”
“So OP, is this a safe and healthy marriage?”~Cat_got_ya_tongue
There were even personal stories of commiseration.
“Yep. I’m there with a soon-to-be-ex bf.”
“It started 50-50 and him helping me clean (from when I moved in last Nov up till Spring).”
“Then spring hit, I got a new job paying a tiny bit more, and he assumed I made so much I could pay for most of our expenses.”
“I’d lend him my debit card if money was tight or to get us fast food.”
“But he took advantage of that.”
“Pretty soon he was spending $15-25/day on bottled drinks & junk from the gas station.”
“Using me as a bank to pay his dad back for the auto repairs on his car (dad is the cosigner & it’s under his insurance).”
“So they forbid me to drive the car I was paying on.”
“I got fed up with my soon-to-be-ex bf taking advantage of me like that.”
“I revoked his access to my debit card. Told him he was on his own financially.”
“That’s just the financial side.”
“He stopped showering consistently, doesn’t help me clean, doesn’t take out the trash, sleeps all day, refuses to take care of his health (type 2 diabetic!!), refuses to get on insurance, neglects his 3 small dogs, and overall just a burden on me.”
“The fun fact is that lately, he has been doing more to disrupt my sleep or prevent me from going to sleep.”
“When he knows I’m a light sleeper (even with sleep earbuds & a sleep mask).”
“I plan to leave in a few weeks to go back to my home state. At least there I’ll be clean and get quality sleep. The rest will be minor things to deal with after all this person has put me through.”~ area51throway
Trust is one of those things that, once broken, can be nearly impossible to repair.
The damage can spread to other parts of the relationship and cause greater harm over time.
We wish OP good luck in moving forward.