Some married couples have a joint bank account, while others don’t.
Others, like our Redditor, have both and it seemed to work for her until her brother-in-law was in a major pickle.
When she remained obstinate in her response to dealing with the confronted issue, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
There, Redditor sedpoj asked:
“AITA for not agreeing with my husband to fund his brother’s trip from our joint savings?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (37 F[female]) and my husband (38 M[ale]) have been married for 9 years with 2 kids (8y/o and 1y/o). We are both working and my husband earns more than me.”
“From the start of our marriage, we agreed to keep a joint bank account and a personal bank account. In this way, we are able to share with the responsibilities of covering our family expenses and have our own money for personal needs.”
The OP then presented the dilemma:
“Recently, my BIL [brother-in-law] (41 M[ale]) shared the news that his SIL [sister-in-law] that lives overseas is getting married. Her immediate family in the country has been invited to attend the wedding. Her only sister, my BIL’s wife, is expected to be there.”
“The trip will require visa and of course, plane tickets. As we know traveling is a bit expensive. My BIL has to pay for his plane tickets and visa processing as not all the expenses can be covered by his SIL.”
“For this, my BIL is asking (not borrowing) money from my husband to fund his travels. My husband was planning to give out but he would take it from our joint account and not his personal account.”
“I firmly said no and told him that if he wants to help he can get money from his personal account and give what he can afford. I also said that if his BIL cannot afford the trip then he shouldn’t be joining. His wife can go with her family to attend the wedding.”
The OP continued:
“My husband is now upset as he said that I said no and even mentioned that I was a bit insensitive as my family side was never in the situation to ask extra money from us. I told him that I help with my family’s expenses in case of emergency but I never touch our joint account in helping them.”
“My BIL is still pestering my husband for his ‘contribution’ but my husband is still silent on how much to give.”
“So, AITA in this situation?”
The OP noted in an update:
“A lot of you were asking how much is the cost of the trip. We are from Asia and the wedding will be in the US. The cost of plane tickets and travel expenses is quite high. Their plan is to stay for another 2 weeks after the wedding. All-in-all, the estimated cost is around USD 2500.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“It would seem like a reasonable thing for BIL to _borrow_ money. But a gift? That seems like a lot. Seems odd that your husband won’t fund it out of his own account. One wonders if he can’t, or it is so much that he doesn’t want to.”
“At any rate NTA.”
“My BIL has a history of borrowing money to my husband and not paying back. My husband does not anymore make an effort to recoup the money. So, he may say borrow but in reality we won’t be paying any of it. This is also my apprehension on using our joint account for this.”
“He doesn’t want to get it from his personal account as he bought a PC gaming equipment. I told if he still wants to help his brother, he can ask him to wait and give whatever amount he can from his next salary.” – OP
“Your husband has a brother problem, and he is trying to make it yours; the problem is your husband who can’t tell his brother no.” –Round_Butterfly2091
‘My BIL has a history of borrowing money from my husband and not paying it back. My husband does not make an effort to recoup the money anymore.’
“So he’s extending the problem by now including you and your money with it? No. Just no. Absolutely NTA.”
“If he wants to help his brother go on the trip he can tell him, ‘Sure, I’ll help you out just as soon as we put down in writing how much I’ve given you previously plus how much this will be and what the payment plan is and the penalties if you don’t pay and you and I both sign it.’ “
“However, your husband probably thinks it’s easier to just get you to help fund the trip than to actually have a spine.” – Spinnerofyarn
“Exactly so. This drives me nuts, although I think the answer is simpler with family. You don’t pay money back once, you don’t get money in the future. Payment plans/contracts, etc, just build acrimony, so it’s a question of whether you value the relationship or the money more.”
“The fundamental problem here is an inappropriate financial relationship between the brothers. You’ve gotta draw a firm line with stuff like this.”
“My philosophy is this- when you share money between friends and family, you have to view it as a gift, and you have to be willing to not get the money back. If you do make a loan, it’s a one-strike policy. No wheedling.”
“You already borrowed money and failed to pay it back. I’m not giving you more. “BIL is pestering husband for his contribution…” maddening. Go away, you lazy goose.” – PicklePuffin
“NTA. I see a lot of red flags here. The purpose of joint accounts is so each person can spend their own money how they want. If it’s a joint expenditure then there’s negotiations involved. As this is his family and not yours, there’s no reason why you should have to contribute anything at all.”
“I’m guessing because of the separate nature of your accounts, he doesn’t know how much you have and vice versa. There are a few scenarios that could be at play here – none of which is good:”
“1. He sucks at saving money and doesn’t have it to give, but the pressure is killing him.”
“2. He has enough money but doesn’t want to decrease his savings to fund someone else’s trip.”
“3. He agreed to separate accounts to keep your hands off his money but believed he can manipulate you into spending money for his purposes.”
“In all cases he’s looking out for himself. Stay strong. Say no. If you break down now, you’re inviting him to guilt trip you until you have no money left and he has all the money.” – tatsrus1
“Best monitor that account. Very closely.”
“Partner can always take money out of a joint account without permission. And you have NO recourse for getting it back, because the purpose of a joint account is that both people are allowed to do whatever with it.”
“NTA. Stuff like this needs to come from a personal account, not joint.”– SomeKindofName42
“NTA. A loan maybe but not an outright gift. Your husband can pay from his own account, not joint if he wants to GIVE the money. WHY does anyone have to ‘contribute’?!?” – SheiB123
In the continued update, the OP wrote:
“⭐️UPDATE! (editing this original post for update)⭐️”
“My husband and I had a discussion on this matter. I was relieved when he admitted that it was wrong of him to think about using money from our joint account.”
“He apologized for it and on how he reacted when I said no to the request. He assured me that he has not touch our joint account. I’ve checked our account and sure enough there was no fund transfer recorded.”
“My husband initially thought of our joint account as he didn’t have enough money to the BIL’s request. I honestly don’t know how much he has in his personal account. It is his money.”
“He also doesn’t know how much I have on my own account. He feels that he needs to provide as he earns more than the rest of his siblings. I told him that if it is an emergency we can help.”
“In this case, it is not an emergency or a priority. He shouldn’t feel bad or burden himself about setting boundaries. We end our discussion with him still open to pitch in but only around USD 200. He will get the money from his personal account.”
“In the evening, we had a dinner with his side of the family. The topic of the trip came up. BIL was excited and jokingly asked for solicitation from his siblings. It was a good thing my MIL (their mom), my husband, and another BIL (their other brother) told him off and said that if he wants to go, then he needs to fund his trip.”
“BIL awkwardly laughed it off and was saying about getting a commission/bonus at work. My other SIL (married to the other brother) secretly informed me that BIL also made demands to the other brother. I just hope and pray that he does find other ways instead of asking or soliciting from families.”
Overall, Redditors agreed with the OP about her decision to keep the joint account meant to be used for her and her husband’s shared expenses except for major emergencies.
Hopefully, the BIL was able to find a sound solution to his financial issue.