When it comes to family, they really should be there for each other through everything, whether it’s celebrating a win or grieving a loss or offering money or shelter during a tough time.
But unfortunately, sometimes family members only believe that when they’re trying to gain something for themselves, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor aitatasister had become estranged from her family after they made a variety of homophobic comments about her.
When they showed up at her door to ask for a big favor, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not taking my pregnant, homophobic sister in?”
The OP was estranged from her sister and parents.
“My sister (20 Female) and I (27 Female) don’t get along. I’m gay, and when she was 14, she started being horrible to me, calling me slurs and saying I was going to burn in h**l and other typical religious homophobic things.”
“She is the golden child so, obviously, my parents sided with her. She would make me cry and they would tell me to deal with it and expected me to still be nice to her.”
“After a while, I cut them all out of my life, which was the best decision ever.”
“Three years ago, I married the love of my life. My parents were invited but they didn’t show, no doubt because of my sister. Still hurt.”
The OP heard from her family when they wanted a favor from her.
“My wife L and I are both very lucky and have amazing jobs and a big house.”
“About a week ago, my parents and sister showed up at my house (no idea how they know I live there) and wanted to talk to me.”
“As it turns out, my sister’s pregnant and they essentially want me to let her move in for free AND pay for everything for her and the baby.”
“There was no apology for anything.”
“I was in shock, and my sister was going off about how we have so much space and we could afford to help her out.”
The OP refused their request.
“I said no. I told them we couldn’t take her in because we currently have L’s two little half-sisters staying with us because their mom is very high-risk, so we don’t have any more space.”
“They were p**sed and were going off about how I was supposed to help my family and that I was choosing L’s family over my own.”
“I told them they were not my family. I told them everything they had done and said to me.”
“They said I needed to let it go and move on.”
“I asked them to leave. Even if we had space, I wouldn’t want her here.”
The OP was bombarded with messages.
“Since then, I have gotten so many messages from them and other family members, saying I need to help them and take her in.”
“I reminded them of what she has been like to me, and they say I need to be the bigger person and that this will bring us together.”
“The thing is, my parents are going to have to take money out of their retirement fund if I don’t help. They were good parents growing up, and when my sister started her bulls**t, I was already out of the house.”
“So people have said that I would really be helping them, not my sister.”
“L said we could give her some money, but I don’t want to do that either.”
The OP felt conflicted about helping her parents.
“I don’t feel for her at all, I just feel bad about my parents.”
“We are not taking her in but might give my parents some money in the future if we see they are struggling. Also, my sister is 7 months pregnant and just recently told my parents because she couldn’t hide it anymore, so they are desperate because there’s no time to save up now.”
“My mom just sent me my sister’s baby registry and I can’t believe her! She is living off my parents and doesn’t have a job but is asking people to get her a $300 car seat and a $700 stroller.”
“I know my parents are also to blame. They have never been ‘homophobic’ but they never told her off because they wanted to ‘keep the peace,’ and I know that’s a s**tty excuse but I would only see them like once a month while my sister was there full-time and they never want to upset her.”
“And the wedding, my dad called me because my sister was upset she wasn’t invited and asked me to invite her, but I said no, so they didn’t show up.”
“The main reason I feel like I need to help them is that they put me through college. I got a scholarship and my parents paid for the rest which was still a lot of money. My sister went to a community college so they didn’t pay nearly as much for her.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were appalled by the entire family’s entitlement.
“NTA. They didn’t stop your sister’s harassment, they didn’t come to your wedding, AND they didn’t apologize? Just showed up demanding you take your sister in and then support both her and the baby?”
“My god, the audacity. They don’t care about you, they just want to use you. Those people aren’t your family. I would say no and never speak to them again.” – thelightsblindme
“NTA.”
“You are never required to harm yourself in order to help someone else.”
“Taking your biological sister in would be harmful to you and your family.”
“Your parents don’t need to help her either (harming themselves by spending their retirement money), as she is 20 and legally an adult.”
“This would be true even if your family of origin did not treat you terribly, as they have.” – jmeyers5681
“NTA, obviously. You can get extra petty and remind her that living with you would mean she’s choosing to share her home with the ‘epitome of h**l.'”
“You can paint your home rainbow, flags everywhere, I’m talking the definition of annoying rainbows (for like a week so they’ll back off). Get the neighborhood involved to prove they are not family and hate isn’t tolerated here.” – S3xySouthernB
“Church charities don’t give you bugaboo strollers and Kate spade diaper bags, so I’m sure little sis isn’t interested in a used Graco and worn Carter’s onesies with some generic diapers.”
“I suspect little sis probably won’t change many diapers or take midnight feeding, she wants the OP to be the baby nanny, too, I bet.” – FluffyKittyParty
“The Scapegoat child is supposed to do all the work, they have to pay for their existence. So they are the retirement plan, free daycare, free housekeeping, etc.”
“So of course, when the Golden Child gets knocked up and doesn’t know who the baby daddy is, then you go to the Scapegoat to do all of the pesky stinky work.” – hazeldazeI
“I would definitely ask the parents why they are eager to dump their golden child with OP. If she’s such a good kid, why don’t they support her?”
“Get another job to help out the golden kid. Or make her work. Are they worried about their image or something like that?”
“Their behavior is weird. The way they treat OP is horrible, but dumping their golden child? Why?” – SmilingIsNotEnough
Others agreed and also pointed out the sister’s hypocrisy.
“Speaking of the sister’s hypocrisy, tell her to take another look at her Bible. Specifically, Numbers 5:5-7. It’s a bit long but basically says that if you do wrong to someone, you have to admit it, apologize, and make it up to them, plus extra.”
“It definitely doesn’t say, ‘If you wrong someone, ignore them for years, and then tell them to get over it when you want something from them.'”
“Forgiveness must be earned, not demanded. And the only person who decides if it’s been earned or not is the person who was wronged.”
“NTA, OP. Oh, and everyone who is saying that you should be the bigger person and help? Ask them when she can move in with them.” – TheOtherZebra
“You should tell her, ‘Sis, if you need a place to stay, why not ask your husband’s family? Oh, you’re not married. You had pre-marital sex? Hmm, guess we’ll see each other in hell then.'”
“NTA. Congrats on the wedding. Your Reddit fam is there with you in spirit.” – Madmax0412
“One of the teachings of the church (or at least the Christian churches I went to) was that acts of contrition are a part of apologies. It’s not enough to ignore what you did or say a fake apology or even a real one. You need to couple that with an actual action that conveys how contrite you are.”
“This might be as simple as bringing home flowers or baking brownies, but it could be something huge like getting up in front of a church congregation and apologizing in front of everyone, a sort of self-humiliation where you promise to the whole crowd that you will do better.”
“That’s the one that even non-religious people like: reforming your behavior.”
“Too bad little Miss Religious isn’t particularly interested in that aspect of the faith.” – jack_skellington
“She’s an opportunistic hypocrite who is picking and choosing which parts of the Bible to use to bully people. She can find a church charity to take her in. Also, how long do you think she’ll stay civil to you and your wife while taking advantage of your generosity?”
“I give it less than a week for her to start proselytizing about the sanctity of marriage and how gay marriage corrupts that… while she’s mooching off of you and your wife and carrying a child out of wedlock.”
“NTA. Protect yourself, protect your wife, protect your wife’s half-sisters, don’t let this bully into your nice, big house.” – cavlilicien
The subReddit could understand that the sister might be in a tough situation right now, but because she was of age, she could start to figure out her problems on her own.
Her parents didn’t need to put themselves into new debt for her, and the OP absolutely did not need to help after being the recipient of homophobic behaviors for all of those years.