Navigating a relationship with the in-laws can be tricky business.
Sometimes it feels even trickier if the in-laws are traditionally nice, and then do something unpredictable, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
So Redditor BlingCrosby108 was shocked when his amicable in-laws suddenly became aggressive about using his master bedroom while visiting them for Easter.
When he and his future wife were conflicted, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure whether to maintain his boundaries or keep the peace.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not letting my fiancée’s parents sleep in the master bedroom while they visit?”
The OP had everything worked out for an upcoming visit from the family.
“My fiancée (23 Female) and I (23 Male) have lived together for about a year.”
“This upcoming weekend, her parents (mid-50s, in great shape), grandpa (75), and two siblings (19 and 16) are coming to stay with us for Easter.”
“Our plan was to put her grandpa in the guest bedroom, her brother on the couch, sister on a nice inflatable mattress, and her parents would be on an especially comfortable queen-sized air mattress (the kind that is like 3 feet tall) in a private room.”
His typically kind in-laws did not like the plan at all.
“My fiancée’s parents are not happy with this plan and think it is rude for me/us to not offer up our bed to them.”
“When we visit them at their house, I am not allowed to sleep with my fiancée, so one of us has to sleep on the couch each night. It frustrates me but I put up with it because it’s their house/their rules.”
“Obviously, I would pull the ‘my house, my rules’ card this upcoming weekend, but to further complicate things, the house is OWNED by my fiancée’s parents, and we are renting it from them.”
“Also, my fiancée’s parents are quite wealthy and could very easily get a hotel room (or several) for the weekend.”
The OP and his fiancée were conflicted about what to do.
“I otherwise have a great relationship with my fiancée’s parents and don’t want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but I also feel the need to draw the line somewhere.”
“To me, my fiancée and I’s bed is a private place and I don’t feel comfortable giving it up to them.”
“My fiancée is leaning towards just giving her parents the room for the sake of avoiding conflict (which I totally understand, I’m not upset with her), but I really feel like I am justified to tell her parents ‘no.'”
“Am I the a**hole? Am I overstepping?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was not wrong for wanting to keep his bedroom with his fiancée private.
“NTA and you are not overstepping.”
“No one sleeps in my bedroom except me and my wife. No matter who it is. Hard boundary.”
“End of story.” – ZaphodBeeblebrox-Ftw
“Wanting to sleep in your bed is a power move, plain and simple. ‘There is no place that you can have, that you think is private, that I cannot also have.'”
“In their first pandemic visit to my new apartment, my parents assumed they were taking the bed. I took the single-person floor mattress cushion thing that they had brought with them, just for me. And they b***hed the entire next day about how my full bed wasn’t big enough for them. Too bad so sad!” – drdish2020
“I’m not Catholic, but I come from a conservative, Christian background (a lot of the same strictness but with less kneeling). There were people around me who definitely did this.”
“My opinion is that I will give up the ‘good’ bed if the person in question has a need that requires it. For instance, my SO’s (significant other’s) dad has a bad back and night terrors. When he came to visit, I offered him the master. He turned it down, by the way, and stayed in the guest bed.”
“If someone is not actually frail or infirm, no matter the age, then treat them as the sprightly young people they are. Camping out can be fun. They need to buck up, buttercup.” – Anglophyl
“Seriously, I do NOT understand this concept. I would never, ever, in any circumstances, let my in-laws or my own parents sleep in my bed.”
“If an air mattress isn’t acceptable, get a hotel. But hard no on sleeping in my bed. So creepy.” – TA122278
NTA. Your fiancé’s parents can rent a hotel if they’re not happy. WTF. Beggars can’t be choosers. They don’t get to dictate where they sleep in your home, doesn’t matter if they own it IMO (in my opinion).”
“If you don’t want to make it a bigger deal, I would just let them sleep in your room, but you are by no means morally obligated to do so. Them requesting it is audacious.” – TeemReddit
“Do NOT GIVE IN!!! You will be setting a precedent that you will always give in to their demands. This is your home (doesn’t matter who you rent from) and you should never be guilted into giving up your bed.” – voluntold9276
“My brother’s childhood best friend had this issue. They bought the house and gave it to him, but so similar.”
“New wife moved in, she had a young son he adored, all was well.”
“MIL and FIL, his mom and dad, felt so entitled to the house, they would boot the newlyweds to the study (with glass doors, not an actual bedroom) for MONTHS at a time. MIL would wake up to ‘help’ by making breakfast and rearranging the kitchen.”
“Total power move. He is an only child (now divorced).”
“I suggest nipping this in the bud. Maybe use the dogs as an excuse and say they get really difficult when you alter their routine. Having new people will be exciting for them but their bedtime routine is important to them getting sleep and not getting agitated.”
“If that doesn’t work, tell them it would disrupt your routine too much. I mean honestly, why should you two relocate for them? You’re supposed to pack a bag and move across the hall when all your clothes and toiletries are right there? It’s absurd.” – MakeLyingWrongAgain
Others also suggested not letting the rental situation stop the OP from setting boundaries.
“Renting from them is exactly why you should enforce this boundary: OP needs to let his fiancée handle her parents according to the agreement between him and her. If she caves here, there will be a lot more caving in the future.”
“Be prepared to accept an eviction notice / rental agreement cancellation over this. If the in-laws really feel that strongly about it, better get it out in the open now. Better over this, as over a $50.000 wedding bill.” – Mercator1234
“Honestly in-laws acting like this piss me off to no end.”
“Point blank, I’d tell them that your bed is for you and your wife, end of that topic. And that they will have to sleep in separate rooms while in your house.”
“Even if you’re renting from them, it’s YOUR home so long as you paid your rent. Ahhh, I have no patience for people like them, good luck.” – adisturbed1
“This is so ridiculous. You LIVE WITH your fiancee. Do they think you don’t have sex?”
“Yet they make you sleep separately. I personally wouldn’t even tolerate that, so you’re doing better than I am.”
“You pay rent, it’s your house. If they don’t like the accommodations you provide, they can go to a hotel.”
“Then expecting to sleep in your bed (they know what you do to their daughter in there right?), but won’t let you sleep anywhere but a couch in their home? That’s a no.”
“Stand your ground. This is not something you want to cave on now or it’s your life forever.” – TA122278
“You and her are paying them rent, but honestly, I’d live in a tent first before letting someone hold housing over my head.” – MysteriousCell3242
“NTA. It’s not the bedroom it’s the mattress and the fact that even if they own the place it’s your home. And yes, your home, your standards.”
“You have been kind enough to host a crowd, and they’re asking for more than you’re comfortable giving. If they want to continue being welcome, they need to accept this boundary.” – lyan-cat
“If you’re paying rent, it is your house. If you were renting from some random landlord, you wouldn’t let him sleep in your bed any time he wanted, would you? Your house, your rules.” – TheZZ9
“And them being your landlords is irrelevant, it’s your house because you live there. If they weren’t your fiancée’s parents, they would have no grounds for taking the master bedroom and the same is true here.”
“That being said, if you have the means to do so, I would consider finding a new place. Things tend to get pretty dicey when families rent from each other.” – drwhogirl_97
The subReddit could understand why the couple was conflicted about how to handle this situation, but they mutually agreed that the OP did have the right to turn down sharing their bedroom with someone else.
Whether it was an in-law or a stranger, it doesn’t change the fact that it is their bed.