We always want to help out family members who find themselves in a bind.
But at some point, that help needs to come to an end.
As if we continue to help family members, they will never learn to be self-sufficient and might rely on our help more than is healthy to do so.
Redditor SithCharming had gotten used to his brother-in-law (BIL) living with him and his wife.
However, when a possible change of circumstance came into the picture, the original poster (OP) decided that this also meant that their BIL’s time living with them was coming to an end.
News which the OP’s BIL and wife did not take to very kindly.
Wondering if the was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my BIL (22 M[ale]) that he wouldn’t be moving with us (26 M,26 F[emale]) to the new house?”
The OP explained why he felt that the time had come for his BIL to find a place of his own.
“My wife and I decided to look for a bigger home last month and sell the one we live in.”
“She told me she’s finally ready to have more kids and wants at least two more.”
“We currently live in a three-bedroom house with two bathrooms.”
“We have a room, my daughter has one, and my BIL stays in one.”
“Me and him have had our differences in the past, but we’re good.”
“Last week, we went to go view a home that looked promising.”
“My BIL asked if he could tag along to see, and I said sure.”
“The house was beautiful, and while we were there, he commented that he would like one of the rooms on the opposite side of the house.”
“I didn’t say anything at the moment, but when we got back into the car, he commented again that he wanted that certain room.”
“I straight up told him when the time came to switch houses, he most likely isn’t going with us.”
“He looked surprised, and before he could say anything, my wife looked at me and asked why he wouldn’t be coming with us?”
“I told her she said she wanted more kids, and the only reason we’re moving is to have more space for another kid.”
“She said the kids could share rooms.”
“I told her it wouldn’t be fair to our daughter to sleep In a room with a baby that is definitely going to cry.”
“She turned around and told her brother that she would work something out, and that’s he coming with us.”
“I got upset and told her brother that he wouldn’t because while I did agree to let him live with us but it was not permanent.”
“It’s not the life I pictured living.”
“That he would understand once he gets married and has kids.”
“My wife is upset and is firm on her brother coming with us and told me I’m selfish and inconsiderate of people.”
“I did start to feel like a jerk after I thought about it.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While not everyone was wholly convinced, the Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling his BIL he wasn’t going to be joining them in his new house.
Most people agreed that if the purpose of the move was to expand their family, the OP had every right to tell his BIL he needed to find a place of his own, particularly as it seemed he’d been living there rent-free, with many surprised that his wife expected her brother to make the move at all.
“Stop the house hunting.”
“No more visits to houses.”
“Don’t even look at the ones she finds.”
“You have a much larger problem to solve.”
“You are done with live-in BIL.”
“Time for the bird to fly.”
“Does your wife expect him to live with you forever?”
“NTA if this is a deal breaker for you.”
“Stand your ground and work this out.”
“My So and I have a rule for something this important: it takes two yes answers for a yes, one no answer for a no.”- KronkLaSworda
“If the kids can share a room for sake of BIL staying with you, why do you need to move?”
“NTA, and let her know no more babies til he sorts his sh*t out.”- uhaveenteredpwrdrive
“Dig in your heels.”
“Stop looking at houses.”
“You lose all leverage if you let BIL move with you.”
“Or you will end up divorced, and BIL will still be living with your ex-wife and kids.”- Ok_Leg_6429
“But you and your wife should have had a serious discussion about this and made an agreement on the timeline and how he would be contributing.”
“BIL will probably never move out and WILL be the reason you divorce.”
“This should be a ‘two yes’ decision, so since it’s a yes and a no, stop looking for houses and put a hold on any new babies.”
“I’m going to say something very clearly because I think you need to hear it: You’re allowed to have deal breakers in a marriage.”- commoncurtesy6
“Your BIL is WILD for assuming he’d be coming with.”
“He needs to live out on his own, and your wife needs to establish that boundary.”
“I’m confused why you and your wife were so on the wrong page about this.”- bishop0408
“But this discussion about BIL should have happened before y’all started house hunting.”
“You need to stop hunting and baby planning and have a serious sit down with your wife about what her plans honestly are for her brother.”- Disabled_Army_Vet_82
“Put an end to this as soon as possible.”
“Is he paying for it?”
“Your wife wants your children to share while he has a room in your house?”- diminishingpatience
“I understand the reasoning. Maybe it is time for the BIL to leave the nest; however, I think that should have been something you discussed with your wife first before springing that on both of them.”- AppointmentEastern
There were some, however, who felt that before the OP and his wife began looking at houses, they should have had a conversation or two about the BIL’s future with them and perhaps avoided bringing his BIL along to look at houses, even if they agreed it was well past time for the OP’s BIL to move out.
“Absolutely not an AH for thinking the move is a good time for BIL to find his own place, but this is something you and your wife should have discussed before you each announced your independent decision to him.”
“Why are people in this sub so allergic to having communication with their spouses?”
“I find it hard to believe you guys planned to look at houses but never once talked about your BIL moving with you.”
“When were you planning on telling your wife that you didn’t want her brother there?”
“And why would you let him come along on a viewing when you don’t intend for him to move with you?”
“This whole thing is just bizarre.”
“You need to talk to your wife.”
“Stop looking at houses and get on the same page.”- DaleCoopersWife
“Until you two can communicate and work this out, stop house hunting.”
“Honestly, this shouldn’t have been an assumption for either of you.”
“Is there a reason the brother can’t live elsewhere?”
“Why is he living with you specifically?”
“Is there a reason that your wife feels this strongly about her brother continuing to live with you?”
“These are all things you 2 need to sit down and discuss.”
“Just the 2 of you.”
“And you should’ve had that set before you sprung it on him while he ‘tagged along.'”
“That is something you should’ve already prepped for because if no one had told him before going, then I can see why he was trying to pick out his own room.”
“Y’all made assumptions, and not one person communicated before house hunting.”- Hey_Blondie73
“Any discussions should have happened before house shopping between you two.”- Lcdmt3
“Next time you decide to talk to a 3rd party about something your wife has say in, talk to your wife first.”- akcmommy
“You definitely should have discussed this with your wife before bringing up the topic with your BIL.”
“But your wife also sucks for trying to unilaterally allow your BIL to live with you indefinitely.”
“Stop looking for houses and start looking for couples therapists.”
“A new house and another kid isn’t going to fix the issues with your marriage magically.”- Business-Low-7550
It was very generous of the OP to open his home to his BIL.
But the BIL can’t continue to expect handouts from the OP, or anyone for that matter.
That being said, the OP should have probably discussed this with his wife before springing this news on both of them.
It also seems pretty clear that the OP and his wife have plenty more to discuss their future plans.