What happens when someone’s personal boundaries conflict with your determination on what would help them most?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Goodeystuff when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for emailing my fiancé’s dad about her DNA results?”
We get right to the problem at hand.
“I (35 M) secretly emailed my fiancé’s (31 F) biological father, who is adopted and had no links to his real family, to inform him that his family had been found through her 23andMe test results.”
“Three years ago she bought 23andMe tests for us, her parents (mom and step-dad), and my parents.”
“This was a deeply meaningful gift because my 5 older brothers have tormented me all my life with claims that I was adopted or that our dad wasn’t my dad since I don’t look like everyone else in the family.”
“I’m tall with red hair.”
Healing is a wonderful gift.
“So it really healed an old wound to get definitive proof that our parents are both my parents.”
“What we weren’t expecting was for results for her biological father’s family to show up.”
“She wasn’t expecting to find many familial connections because she’s first-generation American.”
Following the breadcrumbs.
“Initially there was a third cousin connection on her paternal side and over the last couple of years it’s grown into a practical family tree.”
“I knew that she had stopped speaking to her dad over 10 years ago because the most he did for her was sporadically remember to call on her birthday.”
OP’s girlfriend was quite clear.
“She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn’t sit well with me.”
“I tracked down her dad’s email address in her contacts list and sent him the list of his known relatives.”
“I completely forgot about it until her mom saw a social media post about him finding his family and told my fiancé.”
The truth comes out.
“She was very emotional as she told me about the phone call with her mom but said she was happy for him.”
“She made a comment about how ‘we didn’t have anything to do with it’ so I confessed to what I had done.”
“She was furious and this has created a major issue in our relationship.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA for sending her dad, who is adopted, her test results that identified his biological family?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Priorities.
“Yes, this was ridiculous.”
“He prioritized the feelings of a complete stranger, about whom the only thing he knows is that he is a deadbeat father to the woman he loves, over his girlfriend’s choice to cut all contact with said deadbeat father because of all the hurt he caused her.”
“Tell me something, OP, what does it say about you that you are empathizing more with the deadbeat father of the woman you love, because you are projecting your own feelings over a situation that has absolutely no relevence to the deadbeat father?”
“If this DNA test was so life-altering for you and you want to share the experience, have you thought of donating the cost of testing for, say, disadvantaged orphans who might actually benefit from this?”
“YTA” ~ Consistent_Dress_228
“The father could have done his own DNA test if he cared to find out.”
“You decided you knew better than her and used her PRIVATE information to contact him.”
“YTA and you know it.”
“You just think you’re right.”
“This would be a MAJOR breach of trust and I think she should dump you for thinking you knew better than her.”
“You STOLE the information to prioritize her father over her.”
“Why would she ever trust you again? You are a controlling know-it-all who thinks you and your feelings trump hers. YTA” ~ babcock27
OP’s behavior concerned the commenters.
“I really hope OP’s fiance sees this for the giant, massive, frantic red flag it is.”
“‘>She explained her reasons … but they honestly didn’t sit well with me.'”
“I just can’t get over a man just arbitrarily deciding that his partner, the person he has chosen to marry and spend the rest of his life with, doesn’t get to make decisions about her own relationship with her biological father.”
“There was NOTHING stopping her father from getting his own 23andMe test.”
“The information you had was not a secret, it was not information he was incapable of gathering on his own.”
“You simply felt you had to insert yourself into a situation that you had specifically been asked by your future wife to not get involved in, all because her reasons ‘didn’t sit well with you'”?
“This is heartbreaking, that you would betray her trust like this and go behind her back and overrule her like this, simply because you heard her reasons and then disregarded them because you didn’t like them.” ~ contemporanium
“And then, after all that, had to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if he’s the a-hole. Dude, are you kidding me? Why not, I dunno, ask your fiancee?”
“Ah, right. If he didn’t like what he heard, he might have to disregard it because her reasons don’t sit right with him.”
“Wtf, of course YTA OP” ~ bondzplz
“YTA, and honestly, I hope she sees this as the red flag it is.”
“You’ve decided that if you disagree with her about things that are entirely not your business, you’ll go behind her back and do what you want, regardless of what she wants.” ~ BeJane759
“First, it’s this, what’s next? He obviously doesn’t respect her feelings or opinions at all and can so easily be secretive and go behind this poor woman’s back.”
“I wonder how chaotic the wedding planning would be.”
“If they were to have children or something, how would that go?”
“Would he just pass off her concerns and ideas and just go about doing everything on his own? Well, if it’s like that, he deserves to be on his own”
“OP, I hope your fiancé leaves your inconsiderate a*s” ~ Bambi1999
“YTA, it would have changed nothing in your life to let it go. You’ve shown her a big red flag, that her feelings don’t matter to you. Maybe it’s best it happened before the relationship goes further.” ~ Thefrish
Many pointed out how little boundaries mean to OP.
“YTA, what the hell, dude?”
“This is such an overreach.”
“Honestly, it’s a big enough red flag that I and most well-adjusted people would be considering breaking the engagement with you.”
“BOUNDARIES!”
“We adopted my sister, and I can’t imagine how betrayed, disrespected, dehumanized, and hurt she’d be if I or her fiancé did something so f*cking wild.” ~ pepsiofficial
“Yeah, I hope she seriously considers what this breach of trust means for her future with this guy.”
“She will face a lifetime of him undermining and devaluing her opinion and boundaries on everything.”
“He is a massive a-hole, and I don’t believe for one second that he sees anything wrong in going behind her back for his own selfish reasons.”
“100% YTA.” ~ catgirl320
Not everyone thought OP was the bad guy here.
“NTA.”
“I’m honestly shocked how many people think being a sh*tty person means you never deserve any form of happiness ever again. How else can people grow?” ~ GideonLackLand
“I’m going to say NTA and know I’ll be on my own here.”
“His fiancée sounds like a spiteful AH, though.” ~ Fragrant_Song5823
“I think she would need a really good reason to withhold this information, for example, if he had been abusive, but it appears that his worst crime is not maintaining contact with her.”
“Sure, he can get his own test, but as she is 31, he must be pretty old and potentially doesn’t realise the Interwebs is full of websites that will enable him to do this.”
“People seem to think ‘respecting the boundaries’ of a relationship means not doing the right thing if it is against the wishes of your partner.”
“If I found out that my partner’s father had never known his family and suddenly we knew who they were, and the reasoning for not telling him was not sufficient, then I would tell him because I have a moral duty to all other humans, not just my romantic partner.” ~ Sad_Tourist
Making choices that affect the lives of other people is a difficult proposition, even when they’ve given their explicit consent.
When you are sneaking behind their back to manipulate events or get otherwise inaccessible information?
Then we’re running into boundary violation.
Consent is a vital part of any relationship, and when you breach that contract, you ruin more than the moment – you ruin trust.
We advise the OP should sit down with his partner to discuss his betrayal and how they might even begin to undo the damage he’s done.