When a friend or acquaintance is pestering you, clearly trying to goad you on and provoke you, the temptation to goad them right back is hard to resist.
But deep down, we all know the right thing is to turn the other cheek, and not sink to their level, no matter how difficult.
But when they bring other people into the mix, specifically one’s family and loved ones, the ability to take the high road might become insurmountable.
Redditor Educational-Exam3199 found themself in such a situation when a friend of his made derogatory comments towards his wife, leading him to think the only solution was to do the same right back at his wife.
But having doubts about his behavior, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my friend his wife couldn’t pull off a bathing suit?”
The OP first shared how even though he was perturbed by remarks his friend was making about his wife, he found himself able to shrug it off.
“I have been informed by my friend that my wife seems to have a lot of body confidence on a few occasions.”
“She posts a lot of photos on Instagram in dresses, crop tops, and now that it’s summer, swimsuits.”
“I’ve never had a problem with it.”
“I think most girls in their mid twenties do the same thing, but my friend has been making weird remarks to me about her posts since we got married.”
“He essentially says her posts are too provocative for a married woman, and that she’s putting herself online like she’s a single woman.”
“He also makes the point that most married women do not post photos like she does, and his wife would never ‘disrespect him’ by posting photos like this.”
“I brought it up to my wife once and she just laughed and said he was weird.”
“I agreed and haven’t said anything about it to her since.”
However, the OP reached his boiling point during a weekend away with this friend, and felt that a little “quid pro quo” was in order.
“Recently, a group of us got together at the lake.”
“My wife wore what I considered normal attire, a bikini, but my friend thought differently.”
“He made a comment in front of us guys about her ass being out and asked her me if she just liked to make everyone uncomfortable and have people stare at her.”
“And of course he brought it back around to his wife saying how she dresses respectful in front of other guys.”
“His wife had a one piece I think but wore a coverup most of the time we were there.”
“My wife wasn’t wearing a thong bathing suit bottom so I honestly don’t know what his deal was.”
“There were other girls there in two-pieces besides her.”
“I had honestly had enough of his incessant continuous comments about my wife and how he was continually comparing her to his more conservatively dressed wife so I said ‘your wife just dresses like that because she can’t pull of a swimsuit’.”
“‘Stop fixating on my wife bro, it’s getting old fast’.”
“I know his wife hadn’t caused anything and probably didn’t deserve that but it did get him to shut up.”
“We actually haven’t talked since then to which I don’t really care.”
“We’ll probably run into each other the next time we have a friend throw an outing though.”
“I do feel like his wife didn’t deserve that, even if she didn’t know I said it, so I’m wondering if I’m an a**hole.”
“I don’t really want to apologize to him before he apologizes for all of his comments, but if Reddit thinks its the consensus I might.”
“His wife was not around when I said this.”
“It was just a group of guys.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community didn’t think anyone came off looking particularly good in this story, ultimately deciding that “Everybody Sucks Here”.
While everyone agreed that the OP’s friend was being tasteless and he should have stood up for his wife, doing so by body shaming his wife, and should have taken the high road.
“ESH, well the husbands do.”
“You should have stood up for your wife and not insulted his.”-jrm1102
“ESH.”
“There were other ways to get this guy to shut up without bringing his wife into it.”
“She had nothing to do with it and you just stooped to hai level by making inappropriate comments on his wife’s appearance.”- joanclaytonesq
“ESH don’t insult the wife, she got nothing to do with this.”
“Tell him to stop being a sexist a**.”
“Apologize to her not the sexist jerk.”- Solid_Quote9133
“ESH.”
“He is obviously an a**hole for what he said about your wif, he’s attracted to her, fyi, but you really didn’t have to body shame his wife, who had nothing to do with the conversation in order to defend your wife.”
“It just made both of you look like butts.”- aamfbta
“ESH.”
“You ended a misogynistic d*ck measuring contest that treated women like an accessory by being a misogynistic d*ck and treating his wife like an accessory.”
“You and your friends broski attitudes are nasty.”- AlternativeSignal2
“You don’t solve sexist garbage by contributing sexist garbage.”-RamsLams
“ESH, you retaliated to sexism, with sexism.”
“I know you spoke out of frustration, but please think before you speak.”
“Be the bigger man, not the equally gross man.”
“Also, keep this guy away from your wife, he sounds pervy asf.”- ngjackson
“ESH.”
“Yes, YTA for bringing his wife into it.”
“Yes, He’s TA for making creepy comments about what others should wear, and essentially saying he’s sexually attracted to your wife.”
“Don’t get me wrong, he’s worse, but you’re not blameless either. If you have a problem, go after *him* not his wife.”- writesgud
“ESH.”
“Except your wife and his, that is.”
“His comments are messed up, yes.”
“Totally agree there.”
“And you were right to tell him he was out of line.”
“But it’s not his wife’s fault that he’s an AH.”
“Being married to someone like that didn’t sound fun.”
“She did not deserve that.”-Neverwhere_82
“ESH.”
“Dude, what the hell? “
“This would have been a great moment to call out your friend for being a sexist AH, but instead you brought another woman down, therefore yourself being a sexist AH.”
“Can we PLEASE stop comparing women to each other?”- KiryuTrek
“ESH.”
“You said yourself the wife didn’t deserve your nasty comment, but he also needs to shut up about your wife.”
“Sounds like he’s jealous that your wife looks the way she does and is confident in her body.”
“He’s being a creep to your wife, and a creep to his own.”
“He also sounds controlling if he says things like ‘my wife would never disrespect me…blah blah blah’.”-elizabethjanet
“Lord you and your friend both trash.”-CryExotic3558
“A solid ESH.”- msaynuk
“ESH.”
“The MEN only.”
“Your friend has major issues with women and his own jealousy, and you didn’t need to pull another woman into the argument and be a complete f*cking d*ck about her.”
“How dare you.”
“Really.”- imeanwhothehellknows
“ESH.”
“The guy is creepy, and that was a cruel remark.”
“I hope his wife never finds out.”
“You could have called him out for being a creep without that high-school level remark.”-Poinsettia917
“ESH.”
“Poor woman already has to deal with one a**hole about her body, her husband, and now you’re insulting her, too.”
“There were a great many insults you could have hurled at him that actually insulted his nasty attitude.”
“Instead you opted for ‘your wife is ugly’.”
“What a jerk thing to do.”
“Guess his wife and yours have something in common now, both are married to a**holes.”
“It’s a good thing she doesn’t know you said it.”
“I don’t think he deserves an apology per se, but an apology for bringing an innocent party into your argument.”
“It will probably get back to her at some point, if it hasn’t already.”- dazedkatwoman
“So your friend made a rude comment about your wife, and your response was to do the exact same thing that upset you to begin with?”
“Both of you are childish a**holes.”- HG_MamaKitty
“ESH.”
Y”ou are both comparing your wives and insulting each other’s.”
“I mean, did you each present your fathers-in-law with a flock of sheep in exchange for their daughters?”-SiroccoDream
It’s sad to think that the only solution the OP could come up with to stop his friend from shaming his wife was by doing the same to him.
Particularly, as he seemed well aware that his friend’s wife didn’t deserve to be brought into the fray.
One hopes he can take this as a valuable lesson to treat women with respect, and to go high when other people go low going forward.