Prejudice toward gay people is alive and well across the country and the world.
Even in the United States, several states have laws in place that allow employers and clerks to discriminate against LGBT+ people. With an increasingly conservative executive and judicial branch, it’s a dark horizon for LGBT people. And we see it in the people we least expect.
u/throwaway-thewedding logged onto Reddit to ask a tough question: should he cancel his own wedding after a seriously homophobic gesture from his fiancée?
WIBTA if I called off my wedding because my fiance does not want my son to bring his boyfriend to the wedding? from AmItheAsshole
Most of Reddit was in agreement that the OP was not, in fact, being unreasonable.
“Holy cow NTA. You should also seriously reconsider marrying this person. Your son’s feelings take obvious priority of the feelings of your in laws, who aren’t even related to your son.”
“Yeah OP, your inlaws are a**holes and you know it. Don’t let them make you into an a**hole to match them. You’ve obviously worked hard to make sure your son feels accepted for who he is. Don’t undo that now.”
“My sister-in-law is unfortunately the same way. She seemed lovely before the engagement but then a few days before the wedding, she started posting passive aggressive stuff abt my brother and my parents out of the blue.
What’s even sadder is, like you, my SIL never expressed these feelings before so my bro was completely blindsided.
Her demands also became increasingly irrational to the point their wedding planner called her the worst bride he’s ever worked with. She was a complete 180 from the person we met.
Day before the wedding, she and my bro had a huge fight bec she posted on FB that the money my bro gave her for shoes is too little and that she deserved more expensive shoes. WTF?!
My bro was furious bec she never says any of her concerns to his face, not even when asked. She always resorts to posting them on FB.
I wish my brother had called off the wedding right there and then. Bec it’s been 2 years and she’s become even worse. And what hurts most is, my bro has become a bit distant to us too. 🙁
My advice to you, OP, is run. Run while you still can. Don’t allow her to drive a wedge between you and your son.
As Maya Angelou said: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.'”
A single day at a wedding is enough to show some serious prejudice.
“NTA – As a gay man I agree that you shouldn’t ask your son to go back in the closet. I believe you’re also right that it wont just be one day, it will be an issue during any family event that your future in laws and son would both be attending. You care about your son’s well being and your wife wants her family’s bigotry to trump his well being. F*ck that. Ultimately it’s your decision on what to do, but I only hope you continue to be a good father.”
“This is a very insidious form of second-hand bigotry, where the son has to be ‘considerate’ of the in-laws’ unapologetic homophobia (else he’ll be ‘rude’ and ‘selfish’) but the in-laws, who cause the entire problem to begin with, are completely entitled to not inconveniencing themselves by ever having to even be reminded of the existence of those pesky gay people in their everyday lives- even if it means that the groom’s own son and best man (and possibly the closest person to him in his entire life, judging from the OP) has to pretend he’s straight ‘just for a day.’
It’s never just a day, it’s a slippery slope. But even if it was just one single day; he shouldn’t have to hide his love even for a minute, just to protect someone’s bigotry from getting triggered.”
“YWBTA if you allowed your fiancee to win on this.
It’s really gross and disgusting that she isn’t willing to accept your son and his partner into her/ your new family, especially at your wedding.
NTA if you ended things. Not accepting your gay son (and all that comes along with it) is a deal breaker…. absolutely.”
She wants the perfect wedding. So it should be with the perfect man who would love his son unconditionally.
She’s right, it won’t be the perfect wedding. So you should tell her to find someone who will give that to her.
Kids come first. Always. I don’t want you to call off a wedding but man… this could definitely be a big red flag. Like you mentioned, when your son finds a husband, is he banned from family events? Gotta hide him in the family photos?
This woman should love all of you and part of you is your son.”
And what’s worse is, there are people in the world who take others being gay personally:
“NTA racists, homophobes and so on have no place on earth, your son and his boyfriend does, call the wedding off…leave her, if your kids turn out gay, whats she gonna do?”
“‘if your kids turn out gay, whats she gonna do?’
HUGE valid point. My son came out to his mother and I. My ex divorced me because I did nothing to “straighten him out.” 21 years of marriage thrown away because she can’t stand the idea of having “one of those people” in her family. She moved 300 miles away and made it clear her new BF “had no use for those people” to prevent my son from visiting her. It’s f*cking sad. It KILLS me to see his pain at being rejected by his mother…it KILLS him! I hope OP reads this and can understand how much this hurts my son.”
“How hard coded must your homophobia be to cut off your own child from your life? If I told my parents I’m gay they would be like “cool, a reason to throw a party, bringing a boyfriend already?” haha. I don’t know man this should be the norm. A mother’s love and empathy are supposed to trump all. I can SOMEWHAT get behind a father disowning a child over homosexuality, as a fatherly love is just not as strong (in general, please don’t kill me), and men tend to be more often homophobes (to my experience). But a mother doing it just makes it somehow so much worse in my eyes since I just can’t understand how it can happen.”
“It’s not one day, it’s the rest of your life, unless you never plan on hanging with the new in-laws again. Does she EVER plan on telling them?”
“You would only be the a**hole here if you asked your son to go back in the closet because she can’t handle reality. She loves herself more than you or your child. Calling off a wedding is always cheaper than a divorce.
Edit: I’ve stood up to my parents for 20 years on the things they get wrong about my gay brother. His ‘gay lifestyle’ isn’t a choice. They don’t deserve to have him. My brother is a beautiful human and I will abandon anyone who chooses to dehumanize him because of religion. Religion isn’t a free pass to pretend you are better than someone else.”
‘When I told her this, she got very angry with me and told me that I was being selfish and over-dramatic – that it would just be for this one day, that she wants the perfect wedding.’
This also applies for you. She’s being selfish and over-dramatic. It is just for one day and you want the perfect wedding.
She should be upset with her parents. If they make a stink at the wedding, then her family is who ruined the wedding. If they can’t handle a man just being himself, then they aren’t well adjusted.
I would also be reconsidering things in this situation. I wouldn’t want my kids being worried about if they’re being treated differently by family.”
“As a straight man with a gay son this brought a tear to my eye. Don’t let her create this rift between you and your son! Don’t! I have little doubt your son may forgive you but it will hurt and it is completely unnecessary!!!
Clearly, your SO thinks this is HER wedding and not OURS.”
I would honestly sit down with yourself and think long and hard about this. If your fiancé is demanding to exclude your son from the wedding, who’s to say she won’t exclude him from other family gatherings?
And what if you have more kids with her, who may have lifestyle choices frowned upon by her family?
Your son does not deserve to be hated by your fiancé’s half of the entire family. It might be best to cut things off now, because it’s better to lose the money put into this wedding than losing half of everything you own down the road.”
The OP has not yet updated his post with a resolution, but this is certainly not an easy situation.