True narcissists lack the ability to nurture their children because they don’t see them as individuals, only as extensions of themselves. Their children’s feelings and needs are neglected and criticized, while their own take center stage.
Narcissists feel entitled and insist on getting their way. They exact compliance through control, manipulation, guilt, and shame.
Their insecurity drives their insatiable, unrealistic demands for attention. Because they lack boundaries, they project and shame and blame others for their own faults.
Every accusation is a confession.
A woman dealing with an insufferable mother-in-law turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Due_Understanding992 asked:
“AITAH for cracking open a beer in front of mother-in-law (MIL) after she tried humiliating my dad for drinking?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My MIL (64) is a very opinionated person when it comes to alcohol. No one knows why. There are no alcoholics in the family and she isn’t religious.”
“She has no siblings and her mom never had a drinking problem (source: everyone in the family says so, I personally have zero clue—they said she would occasionally have a glass of wine on holidays).”
“She doesn’t know her dad (allegedly). The story MIL first gave me was that her father was an abusive drunk. It would explain why she doesn’t like drinking, right?
“But a week later she informed me, in front of her mom, that she never met her dad and that her mom never dated him either. He was a one night stand that she met at some concert (or something) and she never told him she was pregnant.”
“Her mom never had a boyfriend or got remarried (she was married before) and is still single, so she couldn’t have been talking about a stepdad.
“My husband’s father (MIL’s ex) doesn’t drink, never has, per MIL’s admission and my husband’s and his sibling’s recollection. So, who knows what her real aversion is.”
“Some of her kids say it’s just a control thing. Who knows? She basically just tells my husband (36) every chance that she gets that he needs to stop drinking because he’s going to be an alcoholic or tells him that he needs to ‘control’ me because I drink and she feels I am going to coerce my husband into drinking.”
“Do keep in mind that my husband has a few beers maybe once or twice a month and could make a 6 pack last for weeks. If she ‘catches’ him drinking, she goes up one side of him and down the other about how he needs therapy or AA.”
“Now, she found out I was having my dad over for dinner yesterday after a discussion she was having with my husband (she asks him near every night what his plans are) and decided on a whim that she was going to come as well.
“She didn’t tell us and considered it a ‘surprise visit’. Her behavior regarding how enmeshed she tries to be with my husband is a topic for another day (she’s toxic as f*ck).”
“But anyways, she shows up here. My dad was having a few beers and we were just chatting in the kitchen when MIL rolls in. She instantly turns her nose up at my dad because he’s drinking. I notice it; my father and husband did not.”
“She doesn’t say anything originally, but after about a half hour my father had grabbed another beer and MIL said something like ‘don’t you think you’ve had enough? I am very uncomfortable with you drinking around me. Its rude’.”
“I was honestly just having a petty moment and I grabbed myself a beer as soon as she started cornering my father and trying to humiliate him. She does not know my dad. Has met him once.”
“So, I grab a beer and I start drinking it while staring at her. She starts grabbing her stuff and as she walked out, she was saying something to the affect of ‘lord forbid I have a nice dinner with my son’.”
“After she walked out, my husband just kind of looked at me with raised eyebrows and shook his head before turning away and excusing himself to the bedroom. Things got awkward after that and my dad left within 20 minutes.”
“I tried talking to my husband about it and all he would say was that I was being ‘f*cking childish’ and if I had just given him 3 seconds he would have handled his mother.”
“But realistically, when MIL was humiliating my father, my husband was literally just sitting there staring at the ground with his hands in his pockets.”
“I gave it at least 30 seconds from her not talking to me deciding to grab a beer and my husband hadn’t said anything so I really don’t think he was going to.”
“That and she wasn’t invited. My dad was. I can’t tell if I am wrong here or not.”
The OPÂ later added:
“MIL has nothing to do with our daughter. Even when she’s here, she all but ignores the baby. Never held her, never showed interest.”
“She just follows a foot behind my husband everywhere he goes when she’s here and ignores everyone else. If he picks up the baby, she will put on a fake smile and drop a ‘oh how cute, daddy’s girl’ comment, but that is the extent of it.”
“When my husband has asked her to engage with the baby, she says ‘nope, I had my time as a parent’.”
“It’s honestly very hard for me because my husband is actually a kick a** man and I am very much in love with him. BUT when I met my husband, his mom never contacted him and he hadn’t seen her in nearly 2 years.”
“I met her when I was with my husband for roughly 6 weeks, because I got pregnant unexpectedly. His mom came flying out of the woodwork and trying to build a relationship with her son.”
“She didn’t raise him, his dad did, she didn’t even have visitation more than a few times from age 10ish to 16. I miscarried 9 weeks later and all of a sudden she vanished again.”
“Then when we announced years later that we were engaged, she came back with a vengeance; insisting on mommy son dates, etc… And then when I got pregnant 3 years ago with our daughter, it got 50x worse.”
“So, having seen him during the periods of his mom not being around and having her influence on him, I can 100% say that I am not ready to give up on him. I truly feel that where his mother is so prone to just walking away and essentially ghosting her son at random, he is just desperate to keep the peace.”
“That and she ALWAYS says things like ‘I won’t be around forever’ and talks about the stroke she allegedly had like 10 years ago and the brain tumor she allegedly had 30 years ago and she uses these medical issues to scare the sh*t out of my husband and coax him in to basically bending to her will because he genuinely thinks his mom is going to drop dead because of how she talks.”
“So, it’s extremely unfortunate, but I know that it’s just not something I will leave him over. I have seen the manipulation. It would f*ck with me too. You know?”
“He is in therapy, but unfortunately, it is currently sporadic.”
“She only invites herself here when it’s inconvenient, to be honest. If she knows we have plans, she comes over.”
“He actually b*tches about his mom more than I do, by a long shot. He hates how she acts and how she talks to people. He just won’t do anything about it.”
“I have definitely told him several times I don’t want her to come here uninvited, and he has extended that to her, but she only stops briefly before showing back up again.”
“And by that point, my husband had this water under the bridge type of outlook, so he does nothing to enforce the boundary. 100% a husband problem.”
“I have put my foot down several times regarding the random, unannounced visits. I absolutely hate it. But without a husband to enforce boundaries, I get pretty much sidelined. It sucks.”
“But I am slowly grasping the reality and looking at options on my own time, if that makes sense. At least I have reached a point where I realize I do have options. I didnt come to that realization until our daughter was born.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong and should do more to enforce boundaries (NTA).
“You’re not wrong at all. Uninvited ‘guest’ forces her way in and tries to shame everyone else for not adhering to the bizarre rules she wants to enforce in someone else’s home?”
“Your husband wasn’t going to deal with his mother. He had 30 seconds already, and the next three seconds would’ve been the same.”
“He was hoping everyone would bend the knee to his mother, and he wouldn’t have to address it. NTA. Your husband is weak.” ~ BulbasaurRanch
“Dude is just all up in his big feelings because his wife is more effective at shutting his mother down than he is. And honestly, I’m sorry, but as soon as she started disrespecting people in a home not her own, OP’s husband should have shut that sh*t down at once.” ~ JeffSpicolisVan
“Just give him 3 seconds. Ummm you’ve given him 8 plus years, time for him to grow up and get off the teet.” ~ Jen0507
“Each partner in a relationship is responsible for keeping their family in line. To wall off any craziness. He failed.”
“Yeah, let him sulk, looks like he needs some self timeout moments. Once(hopefully) his head clears and he’s ready to be an adult again, you can have a conversation with him. Tell him clearly what you expect.” ~ catsyfishstew
“OP, tell your husband that if he can defend his mom, you can defend your dad.” ~ Ready-Conflict-1887
“I have a feeling MIL is an undercover drinker! That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.”
“She is projecting and shaming people about drinking to make herself appear holier than thou. My MIL (thankfully we hardly see her and she lives far away) drinks wine out of a coffee up while commenting on other people’s drinking…”
“OP’s husband needs to grow a spine, some balls, and cut the umbilical cord. Good for her. You don’t come into my house uninvited(even if invited) and pull that sh*t.” ~ MartinisnMurder
“Your MIL crashed your dinner and tried to control what you do in your own house, and your husband is mad at YOU?”
“F*ck that .
“You have a husband problem, OP. Don’t let him make you feel like you did something wrong.”
“Let him know you will be doing the same thing the next time she crosses boundaries because he doesn’t do anything to stop her, like not telling her when you have plans. NTA.” ~ _A-Q
“Honey, she is winning. She got to come over. She ruined your dad’s visit. She has you second-guessing yourself. And the best part for her is that your husband is mad at you. She is very good.”
“Your husband is purposely ignoring your needs. Actively choosing his mother over you. Ugh, I’m so bothered by this as my MIL is awful too. I feel bad for your dad. Poor guy. He got caught in the line of fire.”
“Why do you have to accept his mother in your home? This is literally an emotional war; you do not invite the enemy into your safe place.”
“Can he go stay with her while you and him go to therapy? You can’t possibly be so in love with him that you are willing to accept this treatment. Right?” ~ Mowsmom22
The OP recognizes she has a husband problem and a mother-in-law problem that both need to be addressed.
Hopefully, she’s now got the confidence to take the necessary steps.