A lot of consideration goes into planning a proposal, especially when a destination proposal is desired.
But sometimes people want to meddle in the plans, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LittleNegotiation561 spent a long time planning the vacation for him and his girlfriend, where he was planning on also proposing to her.
But when his mother insisted he didn’t love her if he didn’t also take her along, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how to adjust the plans for the rest of the trip.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to take my mom on vacation with me and my girlfriend, whom I’m planning on proposing to?”
The OP had been planning a special trip with his girlfriend for a long time.
“I (21 Male) have been planning and saving to go on vacation to a popular vacation spot with my girlfriend since our senior year when we first started dating.”
“I have been saving money up for years now to give me and her the best experience possible.”
“I have the money to book the trip now and after planning, I’ve also decided I wanted to propose to her when we go, so I bought a ring with her birthstone and diamonds going around the band.”
The OP’s mother misunderstood who the ring was for.
“I put the ring on my dresser, and about a week ago, I saw my mom wearing it.”
“She thought it was a gift for her because it was her birthstone.”
“I took the ring back and explained my plan.”
“She was sorry and very happy for me and my girlfriend.”
She then had a lot of questions about the trip the OP was planning.
“Then she asked when the proposal was going to happen so she could clear her calendar.”
“I was confused and told her it was a week after my girlfriend’s birthday.”
“Anyway, I kind of forgot about her asking, but then 2 days ago, she asked me if I booked the trip, and I said yeah.”
“Then she started asking questions like when the plane was leaving, which hotel, what did we plan on doing, etc.”
“I told her everything, but then she asked if I booked an extra room for her.”
“I told her no and asked why she thought I would.”
“Well, she said because that’s also her birthday month, and because it’s such an important moment in my life, and she wants to be there.”
This led to a big argument.
“An argument happened afterward and it ended with her telling me I don’t appreciate and love her and that I’m a terrible son.”
“She called my aunts crying. One of my aunts also posted about sons hating their mothers on Facebook, and my mom commented something about me.”
“I’m honestly so stressed about the situation. I understand wanting to be there for such an important moment, but I also just want it to be my girlfriend and me.”
“I also can’t talk about this with anyone since the majority of my friends and close family know my girlfriend. So help me, strangers of the internet.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the mother was being inappropriate or passive-aggressive.
“She stole the ring…”
“Partly makes one wonder if she did it on purpose. Who in their right mind sees a son (who has a long-term girlfriend) hiding a ring and thinks the ring is for her, the mother? What if she took it hoping to delay the proposal?”
“And when the son took the ring back, she started asking questions, right? Then after a while asked for more details? Was she scheming something?” – LittleThoughtBubbles
“The mom definitely knew it was an engagement ring and took it anyway. She is acting inappropriately towards her son.”
“OP, NTA, but seriously, your mom needs to go on an information diet.”
“Do not tell her the hotel, and change the reservation if you can. If you can’t, inform the hotel she is not allowed your room number under any circumstances. She is probably going to try calling you or showing up to disrupt this trip. Turn off your phone during the trip too.”
“Concentrate on your girlfriend (hopefully fiance soon). She is your future family and should be your priority.” – opinionswelcomehere
“Even if she thought the ring WAS a gift for her, it’s weird that she just took it and started to wear it. Normally you would wait until you actually RECEIVED a present to start using it.”
“I don’t believe for a second she thought it was for her. She’s jealous of the girlfriend and wants to be the most important woman in OP’s life.” – Elinesvendsen
“She definitely knew what she was doing (even if she didn’t realize it was an engagement ring, she knew it was for his girlfriend).”
“It reeks of emotional incest and gives me creepy vibes. Now she wants to go on vacation with you both while you propose, next thing she’ll wear white to the wedding.” – flowerofiron
“This is all so weird of the mom. Very intrusive. Not only poking around in his room and nabbing things but also wanting to be there at such a private moment as a proposal?”
“For f**k’s sake, step back and give them a little breathing room, mom!” – HalcyonEve
Others insisted the OP needed to establish firm boundaries with his mom.
“NTA. Your mum is making this about her. But it isn’t. It’s about you and your girlfriend.”
“She already just took the ring. She assumes way too much.”
“You don’t want this to continue, so you need to lay down some boundaries. The first is: she can’t come with you guys on the trip. She needs to back off. She’s your mum. Not your other girlfriend.”
“If you let this continue, your girlfriend is always going to be competing with your mum. It’s only going to get worse if you guys decide to have kids.” – DogsReadingBooks
“Why when OP is 21 is she going through his room to find the ring on the dresser in the first place? OP’s mum needs to learn some serious boundaries.” – Ancient-Awareness115
“If the OP still lives with mom, he should really consider shelving the engagement plans until he can move out, or at least plan for a long engagement. If mom is going to react like this, he needs serious boundaries.” – 0biterdicta
“There’s something seriously f**ked up in mom’s head. OP has to start to put down hard boundaries with her right now or she will destroy OP’s and his girlfriend’s relationship, and after that, every single serious relationship that follows if this insanity is not stopped now at the beginning.”
“Mom is way too enmeshed with OP and forgot OP is her son and not her replacement husband/boyfriend.”
“This will only get worse after the wedding and especially after kids (if they want kids). Mom will make OP’s spouse’s life miserable if mom doesn’t get a reality check, hard boundaries, probably low contact and hopefully, therapy. Let’s hope one day this combo will be successful to set her sane.”
“NTA. Mom just went into OP’s room and took the ring ‘assuming’ it was hers, and then wants to go to the engagement vacation, what the h**l?!”
“Let’s talk about emotional incest… OP, run!”
“(Not to mention her birthday MONTH?! The hell?! Even little kids don’t get birthday months.)” – Cute-Shine-1701
“Mom didn’t really assume the ring was for her, not without a massive amount of extremely wishful thinking.”
“She took it hoping that her son wouldn’t be able to say no. Like she’s doing now with the trip, she’s claiming a very unreasonable assumption in the hopes that it will be too hard for OP to say no.”
“And he has to say no, and keep saying no, because otherwise, he’s going to be hearing, ‘but it’s my month too!!’ every time he plans something for his girlfriend’s birthday, and ‘but this is important for me!!!’ at every milestone in his life, stepping on everything he tries to do.”
“It’s common in most cultures to place great importance on gift-giving, including the act of giving the gift, not just the gift itself. OP’s mom as described is the sort of person who would milk that moment for all she could.”
“Quietly taking the gift bypasses all of that. So she didn’t take the ring because she was sure it was for her, she took it because she knew it wasn’t.” – calling_water
Though the OP was struggling with the vacation planning at this point, the subReddit insisted that he stick to his original plans for himself and, hopefully, his future bride.
He also needed to make his mother understand, now, that it was inappropriate for his mother to enter his room, to assume the ring was for her and to take it, and for her to insist on going on a trip that also was not for her.
Otherwise, they’d potentially be facing a lifetime of the OP having to share his time, efforts, and money between his bride and his likely overbearing mother.