in , , , ,

Pregnant Mom Livid After Husband Refuses To Be Stay-At-Home Dad When She Returns To Work

A man and a pregnant woman argue
Elisaveta Ivanova/Getty Images

Juggling parenting and careers can be quite a challenge.

Even being part of a couple isn’t a cure-all.

And once in and a while, money isn’t always the main issue either.

Sometimes it just comes down to life choices.

Case in point…

Redditor ThrowRA_spicyycandy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for telling my wife that I won’t be quitting my job to be a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] Dad] even though she’s quitting hers to be a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My wife (26 F[emale]) and I (32 M[ale])are expecting our first child in June.”

“My wife is an orthodontist, and I work in tech.”

“Both of us earn pretty decent and contribute equally to the household.”

“My wife has been debating whether she should take a break from her career for 2-3 years to focus on our baby.”

“She’s leaning more towards becoming a SAHM.”

“I obviously would support whatever she decides. If she wants to be a SAHM for a while, that’s good.”

“And if she decides she wants to continue with her career, we have enough resources to hire a full-time babysitter.”

“We’ve had many discussions over it, and it always ends up with her wanting to be a SAHM.”

“Yesterday, she told me that she came up with this idea.”

“She’ll be the SAHM for the first two years, and after that, I quit my job and become a stay-at-home dad for a while.”

“I told her that if she wants to be a SAHM, that’s her choice, and I would help her with the baby in every way possible, but I don’t think I’d like to quit my job.”

“I suggested that we could just hire a full-time babysitter whenever she feels like she’s ready to go back to working.”

“My wife thought I was being mean and unreasonable and selfish and putting my career over my family and stormed off.”

“I did try apologizing for arguing because I don’t wanna make her so upset during this phase of the pregnancy, but she’s refusing to even talk to me.”

“She’s talked about this to her parents, and I’ve been getting texts from them saying that I’m not treating their daughter right.”

“So AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA. That’s a delusional expectation for her to have.”

“No one wants gap years in their resume without careful consideration, especially in the tech industry where everything is very fast-paced.”  ~ ManufacturerAfraid93

“I feel like it’s very possible she doesn’t want to be a SAHM but has internalized guilt about kids being raised by babysitters (Moms are more looked down on for this than Dads, and she may have external voices judging her for that as well).”

“Less F[ear] O[f] M[issing] O[ut] and wanting OP to sacrifice but wanting to share that burden which OP can’t and doesn’t understand—now the burden is bulls**t, but Mommy BS is pushed on so many women constantly.”

“It’s one of the reasons I’m child-free.”

“Doesn’t make her approach here okay, but I also think many women don’t have the luxury of feeling the way OP does (well, we’ll just hire a babysitter).”

“I think they should sit down and talk about their priorities with their child and really work out logistics.”  ~ berrieh

“NTA. Not at all.”

“Not everyone wants to be a stay-at-home parent.”

“That’s what she wants.”

“She really can’t expect you to stay home if she wants to stay home.” ~ extremeeyeroll

“NTA. You are supporting HER choice.”

“She should support YOUR choice.”

“If there were financial issues with taking care of the child, things could get more complicated, but as stated, that doesn’t seem to be an issue here.”  ~ SergeantFawlty

“Y’alls careers are different.”

“She is an orthodontist.”

“Getting hired on at another practice would likely not be difficult after a 3-year gap.”

“The same can likely not be said for a career in tech.”

“This is how you approach this discussion with her. NTA.”  ~ The__Riker__Maneuver

“NTA. It is your choice, just like it is hers to be a SAHM.”

“This is the problem right now.”

“Your wife is pregnant and very emotional.”

“So I would tell her that we can discuss this better when the time comes and not to stress about it right now.”

“You still have 3 years to figure it out.”

“About your in-laws… tell them to mind their own business, but in a nicer way.”

“Something like: we are having a disagreement, but I can assure you I love and care for my family and ME and your daughter (aloneeeee) will talk and resolve this matter.”  ~ LeWifey95

“A lot of people who decide to be SAHP[arent] during the exhilarating rush of newborn love change their minds after 6-12 months and realize they miss work or just need time away from the child too.”

“At the moment, she’s full of hormones and idealizing the perfect childhood for her baby. NTA.”  ~ MollyTibbs

“NTA. Being a working parent does NOT make you a bad parent.”

“She clearly wants to have a full-time parenting experience.”

“And that’s great that you can both make that happen, but it makes no sense to force either of you to do that if it’s not what you want to do, especially when you have the resources for high-quality care regardless.”  ~ Illustrious-Shirt569

“NTA. Your response is entirely reasonable.”

“You aren’t saying she needs to stay home or get back to work. Why should she presume she can do that to you?”  ~ Weekly-Bumblebee6348

“Transient mother here (I worked then I didn’t, then I did, then I didn’t while building my family).”

“NTA. Let her be angry, and then hopefully, she’ll simmer down, and you can have a conversation about this.”

“Getting her parents involved is certainly an obnoxious thing to do that I can’t really understand.”

“It’s great that she wants to be a SAHM if that’s really what she wants, but thats not something that everyone wants to do.”

“Being a SAHM parent is incredibly emotionally draining, and unlike working outside the house, you can’t just ‘leave’ after your shift is over because it’s NEVER over.”

“Think about why you might not want to be a SAHP and leave the answer open-ended because, who knows, maybe you will change your mind after having said baby a year *shrugs* who knows, and maybe your wife won’t actually want to go back to work after the 2 years.”

“Again, it’s all up in the air anyway because things change as time goes on, so why double down now when you don’t know how future you and wife will feel.” ~ ZentheRainbowDragon

“THIS!!!!! You are never ‘off’ from parenting as long as you are in the same house.”

“I’m a SAHM, and I never expected it to be this draining and find it easy to resent my husband though he puts in as much work as he can when he’s home.”

“I’m never not in ‘mom mode’ because if the baby is around, I will always be checking in/soothing her (she is clingy right now) and probably cleaning to alleviate the guilt from not being with her.”

“When you go to work, you are able to turn that guilt off and work through it way better than when you’re the primary caretaker.”

“Not to mention by being it your baby most likely is attached and will want you for naps/comfort/etc.”

“Being a STAP is not for the weak, and it is 100% okay to decide for your mental health/career goals, etc, that having a caretaker and working is the best decision for your family.”

“I’m shocked the wife didn’t make her expectations clear while pregnant.”

“After the shock wore off for us, it was probably one of the first things we made a game plan for.”  ~ KBPLSs

“Honestly, NTA. You have the resources for a sitter, and she knows that.”

“If you want to continue your career like she seems to want to as well, neither of you is bad for wanting that.”

“You’ve never forced her into being a SAHM, it’s something she comes to on her own, but for her to stay, you should be a SAHD while she works, and it’s clearly against your wishes. That’s wrong.”  ~ WiseBad1

“NTA. If she doesn’t want to work in order to spend time with the baby, that’s her right – but it’s also your right to NOT want to do the same.”

“Also, the idea of being a Stay-at-Home parent is often more enticing than the reality of it.”

“Example: My brother was SO SURE he was going to be a SAHD to their kids… which lasted all of maybe six months before he was going stir crazy and said verbatim, ‘I need adult contact; I can’t just sit with no one but a baby to talk to all day, every day.'”

“He was definitely taking a mental hit by staying at home 24/7.”

“He ended up going back to work and is much happier and mentally stable that way.” ~ notlucyintheskye

“NTA. You’re supporting her desire to stay home for as long as she’d like and also providing support for her to return to work whenever she wants.”

“I don’t see why you wouldn’t need to take time off as well.”  ~ just_ducky295

OP, Reddit is with you.

You and the wife have much to discuss.

Hopefully, when everyone is calmer, cooler thoughts will prevail.

And hopefully, you can chat alone without parents chiming in.

Good luck.