The time directly following the birth of a child is beautiful.
You’re celebrating the entrance of new life.
What could go wrong?
Plenty apparently.
After the birth can be a very stressful time and a lot of guests may not be the best choice.
Case in point…
Redditor KaleidoscopeOk1710 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for having my mom come over after my wife gave birth?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (30 M[ale]) and my wife (30 F[emale]) have been married for a year.”
“My wife gave birth to our newborn son 3 weeks ago.”
“We were both very excited, but my wife’s mom had passed away a year before we got married so she was quite upset that her mom wasn’t there.”
“So, she didn’t want my mom to be in the delivery room, which I could completely understand.”
“My mom (58F) wanted to be in the delivery room but she was okay, with my wife’s decision after I told her about it.”
“My wife and my mom get along, okay with each other. So everything was fine after that.”
“So, a few days after our son was born my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] (24 F) and (27 F) came to see my wife and our son.”
“My wife was okay with them, coming over and didn’t mind.”
“I didn’t have a problem either so everything was fine.”
“But my mom was very excited and wanted to see her grandson, but my wife hadn’t invited her or anything.”
“So, I thought my wife had forgotten about my mom and invited my mom to come over and surprise my wife.”
“My mom came over and stayed with us for a day.”
“I am doing everything like cooking, cleaning and other household stuff for the last 3 weeks to give my wife a break and time to recover.”
“So, she didn’t have to take care of my mom or anything.”
“But after my mom left my wife was upset with me and told me I shouldn’t have invited my mom like that.”
“And that the first few weeks are very important to have time with the baby so she didn’t want any guests.”
“But my wife was okay, with my SILs coming over.”
“So, I felt like my mom was being left out of our son’s birth.”
“I thought my mom would be more helpful than my SIL’s because she went through the same experience, unlike my SIL’s But I am feeling guilty about this so, my question is…”
“AITA for inviting my mom?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“I invited my mom to come over and surprise my wife”
“YTA dude.”
“There is nothing here to indicate your wife would be HAPPY about a surprise visit from your mom; the only reason you’d make it a surprise seems to be because you knew your wife wouldn’t want your mom over.”
“Also, a surprise visit when your baby is 3 weeks old?? That alone makes YTA.” ~ maymay3791
“This! How does anyone think a surprise 3-week visit is okay?! “
“And why didn’t OP ask his wife if she’d forgotten to invite MIL over?”
“Very much YTA on this one!”
“EDIT: Ok I’m still too lazy to look up how to do strikethru text but it’s been brought to my attention that I can’t read.”
“I don’t change my judgment since OP still needed to ask his wife before inviting MIL.”
“Well maybe I downgrade it from “very much YTA” to just YTA.” ~ moonspiderxx
“Stayed for the whole day and didn’t help out.”
“I would bet the sisters took care of the baby so that OP’s wife could get a shower, made her food to eat, and watched the baby so that she could take a nap.”
“They’re family.”
“Mother in law is an unwanted guest.”
“You know she likely didn’t lift a finger other than to hold the baby for a hot minute.”
“My best friend has a mother in law like this, but our friend group was ready for her.”
“We each took a day off work and stayed to help out and be gatekeepers.”
“I met mother in law at the door and asked her if she needed me to get groceries or the meal she brought over out of the car.”
“When she said she hadn’t brought anything, I told her she wasn’t welcome until she brought at least one of those two things every time she visited.”
“Family helps, guests are in the way.” ~ Zealousideal-Tap-201
“I’m not sure MIL just wanted to see the baby.”
“She seems respectful of boundaries, even if she does get disappointed.”
“However, it was a bad move to not be doubly sure the D[aughter] I[n[ L[aw] was ready for her to visit if she really does know what DIL is going through.”
“The true AH is OP.”
“His wife is a bit of an AH for maybe not more clearly explaining or communicating to OP, but I have my doubts this is the case.” ~ teatimecats
“When you grow a human being from scratch for 9 months and either squeeze them out of your vagina or have them cut and pulled from your body.”
“Then you get an opinion on who visits you and your newborn or not.”
“Not to mention that the first 6 weeks you are generally have a lot of bleeding and discharge, getting the hang of breastfeeding or bottle feeding, recovering from vaginal or cesarean birth.”
“It’s a sensitive time and a lot of cultures it used (or still is) to be a sacred time.”
“Sisters you’ve known your whole life are a lot different than a MIL you’ve only known as an adult and not everyone knows their in laws well.” ~ jennylala707
“OP, the fact that your wife’s mother is deceased has no correlation to having your mother in the deliver room.”
“When a woman is pushing a baby through her vagina, is vomiting, pooping, bleeding, and screaming you want people surrounding her that will provide her comfort.”
“Very few women are going to want to expose herself to an in-law.”
“Afterwards it sounds like your wife wanted to limit the people coming over and the time they spent there.”
“You bypassed that and have your mother STAY.”
“On top of being tired, sore and hormonal, she now has to deal with someone who she’s not 100% comfortable with.” ~ firefighter_chick
“I had to laugh reading this.”
“OP is so TA, but so amazingly naive about it. It’s not funny for his poor wife, but I had to laugh.”
“Dude is TA and probably sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future if he doesn’t step up his game. Wow.” ~ glamourcrow
“Yup. My in-laws surprised me at the hospital less than 24 hours after 1st baby was born.”
“I’m still bitter 4 years later.”
“It was their first grandchild and it led to all their children making strict and clear rules for when they could visit for the 5 subsequent grandchildren that were born.”
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes OP!”
“Edit: I should add husband did not tell them they could come and was just as angry as I was. Oh, and they live a five hour drive away.” ~ mathwin_verinmathwin
“Every time these stories come up I’m grateful that this wouldn’t even cross my MIL’s mind.”
“When I did my OB rotation in nursing school, I always felt terrible for mothers who had a whole gaggle of people there.”
“They always seemed way more stressed than the mothers who just had their husbands (and maybe their mom) present.” ~ MacAttacknChz
“Gentle YTA.”
“It may be that you didn’t think of this but your wife is likely more comfortable being in various states of undress with her siblings vs. your mom.”
“I wanted nothing more than to be topless and sleep for the first few weeks and I wouldn’t have had a problem with my sisters being there but that would be very awkward for me if my MIL was.” ~ Tasty_Collar5292
“I agree.”
“It sounds like OP has a decent relationship with his mom and wants to share his new son/her new grandson with her.”
“He absolutely should’ve checked with his wife first.”
“But at the same time I find it somewhat commendable that OP (and his mom) waited three weeks.”
“I know a lot of situations where family (and some friends) would’ve just shown up and way earlier than three weeks at that.”
“Society is getting better about recognizing the trauma that individuals go through to give birth but I wouldn’t say it’s completely pervasive culturally yet.” ~ thizzydrafts
“I would even say NTA…but maybe a bit clueless.”
“He should have just asked his wife ‘hey, I want my mom to meet the baby, when would be a good time and how long a visit can she have?'”
“I don’t know, if they have a decent relationship, a short visit within a week or so of getting home seems reasonable.” ~ recessivelyginger
According to Reddit it sounds like OP has his heart in the right place but his brain may need a map.
Everyone wants to love a new baby.
But boundaries are always important.
OP has been given a lot to think about.
Good luck.