It’s fair to say that when we’re in our own home, we believe things should be done on our terms.
But when a nurse providing homecare is involved, that may not be so true anymore, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwraquestion597 was furious when she felt the nurse providing her husband’s care was being too controlling about how their home space was used, especially when she wanted to have visitors over.
But when her husband even sided with the nurse, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was looking at the situation in the wrong light.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my husband’s nurse that she doesn’t get to dictate who is and isn’t allowed in my home?”
The OP wasn’t particularly comfortable with her husband’s at-home nurse.
“My husband (36 Male) has been in the hospital for weeks.”
“He just got discharged, but he needs homecare (we got him a nurse) to be able to monitor his medical devices. His nurse comes over to handle stuff like his catheter and cannula insertions and medication intake.”
“I’ve noticed she’s been acting a bit rude and overstepping by trying to tell me when to enter my bedroom where my husband’s staying or when the kids get to come in.”
“I already told her how I felt about her attitude, and she claimed she was just doing her job, making sure my husband is getting enough rest.”
A recent visit overwhelmed the OP.
“Yesterday, my parents came over to visit my husband since they’d been planning to come for a while but couldn’t find the time.”
“I opened the door for them and lead them towards the bedroom.”
“The minute we walked in, the nurse started redirecting us outside.”
“I was confused, and I asked what the f**k she was doing.”
“She told me she was in the middle of removing my husband’s catheter and this wasn’t a time for a visit.”
“I nearly laughed, but she forced us out and shut the door.”
“I was fuming. I had my parents go into the living room and then came back and started arguing with her.”
“She told me that my husband was in a vulnerable state and needed privacy, and she as his nurse simply provided it to him and had ‘my’ visitors go wait outside.”
“I told her this is my home, my bedroom, and those were my parents coming over to see my husband and check in on him, so they were HIS visitors as well.”
“She told me it wasn’t the right time for a visit.”
“I told her that she’s in my home and she was overstepping by trying to dictate who is and who isn’t allowed in to see my husband.”
“I told her I’d report her for this attitude, and she kept saying that she was just trying to do her job and told me to go ask my husband about how he felt about having people see him in such a state.”
But the OP was later surprised by her husband’s reaction.
“I asked her to leave, and then after my parents were done with their visit, I tried to talk to my husband.”
“He told me he did feel like his privacy was violated and that I was being too harsh on the nurse.”
“I told him that my parents were worried sick and wanted to see him.”
“He said this wasn’t the right time and basically backed the nurse up.”
“We got into an argument over this, and then he told me to let it go and let the nurse do her job.”
“I said that she keeps acting aggressively and like I was some outsider in my own home.”
“Am I the a**hole in this situation, or is she really overstepping?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the nurse was advocating for the OP’s husband.
“The nurse is being the bad guy so your husband doesn’t have to be. Any half-decent nurse will ‘take the fall’ by throwing out anyone the patient doesn’t want to see.”
“YTA, OP, and calm the heck down!” – AlpineRN
“It was HER parents. Did she want her mom to see his naked genitals?”
“That poor guy. I’ll bet he wishes he could go back to the hospital.”
“I rarely comment on these posts but I had to post this: YTA x 1000.” – OldMetry504
“My mom worked as a visiting nurse, ie homecare, for 30 years. This is the kind of thing my mom would have done. So this OP is making me P**SED OFF.”
“She (my mom) said dealing with obstructive family members was the most difficult part of her job. And I am absolutely flabbergasted that OP would want to bring her parents into the bedroom whilst his penis is out.”
“The lack of care for her husband’s privacy AND dignity makes my blood boil. Like SHE would be fine if the situation was reversed. And the WORST PART, the husband agreed with the nurse, AND OP just double-downed.”
“The worst story of obstruction was this AH husband who would let their big AND EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE dogs into the room when my mom was doing care that caused the patient discomfort and pain. A dog doesn’t recognize the difference between unintentional pain and physical attacks, so my mom dealt with A VERY dangerous scenario.”
“She said she had to refuse to care for the patient WHO WAS PROBABLY DYING (won’t say the disease as Reddit is weird about some) until he removed the dog. It was some power play by the husband. By the by, adult protective services had to be called, he was abusive, QUELLE SURPRISE.”
“Sometimes family are the biggest obstacles to care.” – Zealousideal-Log-152
“Pretty sure if the OP was the one getting the catheter change, she’d be screaming for everyone else to keep out.”
“YTA, OP. Your husband sided with the nurse. That should be the end of it.”
“Your husband should get to dictate whether or not he wants visitors. The nurse is advocating on his behalf, which is exactly what she should be doing.”
“Your husband is convalescing. He needs rest and privacy. He should only have visitors when he specifically wants them. And, he has every right to tell people to go home, at any point, if he’s not feeling up to or doesn’t desire visitors.”
“But the catheter change, as well as many other things, should be done behind closed doors unless the nurse, with his permission, is instructing someone else in how to care for him.” – eirsquest
“Her job is to provide care and to advocate, for your husband.”
“The fact that he sided with her should tell you that you are out of line.”
“Having a catheter replaced is always done behind closed doors. They kick you and your folks out of a hospital room for that. So her insisting on his privacy? Normal.”
“And you’re acting like it was some huge inconvenience and waited for ages. It was a few minutes so chill. Your folks will understand.”
“She may be abrupt with what she’s doing, or she may be having to be forceful because you’re not listening. If the nurse says, ‘Now isn’t a good time for the kids/whoever to visit,’ don’t say, ‘Whatever, this is MY home.’ Listen to her.”
“It’s not just your bedroom. It’s his convalescence room too. He needs time, space, and privacy. And a good nurse will ensure he gets those even if a wife is being a little too entitled.”
“And if you’re husband agrees with her? Then why are you even asking?”
“YTA.” – Demented-Alpaca
Others were concerned about how the OP was putting her feelings before her husband’s.
“She either 1) doesn’t know what a catheter is, 2) is dense and socially unaware, or 3) is extremely controlling and feels the right to violate her husband’s bodily privacy whenever and with whomever she pleases.” – thatsnotmyname_ame
“She sounds awful. I feel sorry for the nurse and the husband. The poor husband cannot even vocalize that he is so ill, he needs at-home care, so maybe he doesn’t want visitors, especially when his penis is on display!”
“This poor man cannot even leave this horrible woman since he is stuck in bed, he probably begs the nurse to remove her.” – MelancholyMexican
“She seems especially callous and self-absorbed with all the my, my, my, me, me, me, my commentary.”
“HEY OP, you know a catheter is a tube up the peehole/your husband’s d**k, right?! Do you normally have your FIL (Father-in-Law) present for your Pap smears? No?”
“You are a big AH. You can wait 10 minutes and then continue with your doting wife act. YTA.” – VooDooDuck614
“I’d be willing to put money on the fact that wifey would not have appreciated a visit during labor and delivery when her hoo-ha was on display.”
“She’d have kicked up a stink, and you know what, she’d have been right. It’s not a spectator sport.”
“One could say the exact same thing here. Wifey is way outta line and needs to reel that entitlement in.” – Lokiberry316
“If the hubs (husband) wanted OP to be with him, or wanted the visitors, the nurse would’ve been out of line.”
“It all boils down to what the husband, as the patient, wants. Arguing with him and disrespecting his wishes as the patient makes OP the TA.” – a_squid_beast
The subReddit was completely overwhelmed with how the OP was handling this situation. While they could understand her wanting to be there, the nurse possibly coming across as harsh, and all of this happening in her own home, they urged the OP to understand how much harder this was on her husband.
For her husband to have already been in the hospital for several weeks, only to be followed by at-home care, he clearly had some serious healing to do. He’d hardly be able to do that if he was constantly disrupted, or if he was stressing over who all was in the room with him.