Infidelity in a committed relationship is devastating. That hurt and anger can then lead to some bad behavior on the part of the person who was betrayed.
A 30-year-old woman found herself and her 36-year-old boyfriend the victims of a 28-year-old friend’s post-cheating rage. She turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for some help dealing with her friend.
Redditor havana7799 asked:
“My close friend hacked into my boyfriend’s [Instagram] (IG) to prove he was cheating on me?”
The Original Poster (OP) first made it clear:
“And he was not.”
OP then explained:
“I have been dating ‘Tony’ for just about 1 year and since the beginning, my friend ‘Jen’ did not like him. Tony has a deadpan, sarcastic kind of humor and Jen is a peppy classic Millennial—they just did not ever get along, with Tony saying she was vapid, and Jen saying he was a sociopath.”
“Obviously, I kept them apart in most social situations.”
“Back in February, Jen’s boyfriend of 2 years cheated on her with another mutual friend, and I spent a lot of time consoling her. It was pretty sh*tty.”
“But ever since then (and kind of understandably) she’s been suspicious of all of our boyfriends and partners and being very critical of them, no matter what they did. I learned not to share anything good or bad because she could find a way to twist it into something horrible.”
“Recently I did share one little tidbit about how Tony hates working from home because he really hates being on the computer, but now he’s online like 12 hours a day checking in for emails and stuff. Jen jumped all over this and asked if I knew for sure he wasn’t cheating.”
“I assured her no, I’m with him 24/7—I am sure he isn’t cheating.”
“She took it upon herself to find out if he was on any dating apps. I told her not to but she just said, ‘I’m bored and I’m on all the apps anyway so I’ll just check’.”
“She then somehow hacked her way into his account and inbox. Then she proceeds to brag to me about how she did it, showing me a Tiktok video of how she did it, screenshots, little captions everywhere, giggling and saying, ‘I should be a hacker’ and ‘ya girl just found out your man has the most boring Instagram in the world, but I guess that means he’s a keeper’.”
“I was beyond shocked and disgusted. She really thought she was cute when she told me this and I just said, ‘holy shit Jen, you really have problems and I don’t know what to even say to you. Don’t talk to me’.”
“And I blocked her on IG.”
“She then blew up on my phone about ‘why am I being crazy and making her seem crazy when she was looking out for me’ and ‘why are you being dramatic’.”
“I can’t with her right now. I’m still too mad. I feel like if I respond now, I will say things I regret and hit her with low blows.”
“This is irreparable right? I told Tony and he blew it off and joked, ‘I knew there was a reason I didn’t like her,’ and tried to just calm me down.”
“I don’t know if I can be friends with her anymore and he didn’t disagree but also did not offer any opinion on it. I just don’t know how it’s possible.”
“Or do I just need to calm down and give it some time and space. I should mention I’ve been friends with her since college and we have many mutual friends.”
“Am I too mad right now? Or am I right to react this way?”
Redditors then shared their thoughts on the matter.
“You totally have a right to react that way, and your boyfriend is being so unbelievably understanding and kind about it.”
“Personally, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. She stuck her nose where it didn’t belong, and she honestly doesn’t even sound like a good friend.” ~ raining-sloths
“Based on this Tony sounds like a grown up and a keeper.”
“He didn’t offer an opinion of it because he did not want to affect your decision in any way and wanted you to make a decision on your own. He seems mature because instead of blowing up over this gross invasion of privacy, he kept his cool.”
“Here’s how it looks from his point of view: His SO has a friend who is hell bent on breaking up their relationship and is not above invading his privacy to do so. Now he does not know whether you encourage this behavior or condone it.”
“So, he hints that this is between you and Jen and he wants to stay out of it. At the same time, he’s going to observe and see what decision you make.”
“Should you let this slide and still have Jen in your life then he’ll have his answer. The question being ‘What is the longevity Of his relationship with you’. Because letting this slide and letting Jen get off easy means that you were complicit in this or at least condone this activity.”
“Yes, it sounds like Jen is a certified loon. She means well, but she now sees the whole world and all men through the lenses of her own experience and may end up sabotaging healthy relationships.”
“I have a strong feeling that she would really not understand why you are mad at her.” ~ AveenaLandon
“She’s a terrible person and friend.”
“You specifically told her no, and she went ahead and committed a crime anyway. She should consider herself lucky that Tony took it in stride. I’d cut her right out of my life.” ~ YourRAResource
“She needs therapy is an understatement.” ~ apinkparfait
“She is literally a criminal now.” ~ YannislittlePEEPEE
One Redditor asked the OP a few pointed questions.
“On one hand she did this because she was trying to make good for you (although I believe it was part boredom and probably to prove ‘all men are the same’.”
“On the other hand she has no respect for your boyfriend and has no boundaries when it comes to you, who knows? She might have checked your IG too.”
“So big questions here: Is your boyfriend angry? And the other one, would you believe you can be safe around her knowing all she can do?” ~ yonosoymajo
The OP responded.
“He is not particularly angry. He honestly did not seem that affected (which in itself would have driven Jen absolutely bonkers that he was so calm) and just seemed more concerned that I was so upset.”
“At this point, being mad as I am, I really don’t trust her. I wonder how much other snooping she has done , like you said, looking through my IG or our other friends’ accounts, or cyberstalking in general. I have no idea.”
Based on the OP’s answers this Redditor gave some very specific advice and asked the OP to consider some important questions.
“She is projecting her insecurities on you and her other friends in a very unhealthy, even criminal manner. You have every right to not continue the friendship.”
“Maybe some tough love is what she needs to snap her out of it. If you plan to continue in your same social circle you might need to inform them of what she did so they can be careful around her and so it doesn’t allow her to play the victim if you decide not to be friends with her anymore.”
“But that is completely for you to decide how far you want to take it.”
“But I will ask, at 28 do you really want all that stress in your life?”
“You seem to have a happy relationship, do you really want to be around someone actively trying to sabotage it? She will tell you she did it for you but she is really doing it for herself to try to validate her own beliefs of how all men are evil.” ~ Nuetral_Bystandard
Some Redditors felt the friendship was damaged beyond repair.
“Honestly, Jen would be the kind of friend you get rid of even if she found out he was cheating by hacking his accounts. You can’t tell her anything without her spinning it into something awful.”
“She calls your boyfriend a sociopath, but she’s the one who is actually doing things that a sociopath might do.”
“Hacking into your boyfriend’s account is just wrong on so many levels. Your boyfriend handled it way better than I would have or most people should have. That’s such an invasion of privacy, never mind the fact that she’s actively trying to split you up.”
“No you did not overreact. You responded perfectly. I would seriously reevaluate this friendship.”
“People change and grow apart. No reason to hang onto toxic people if they can’t see how what they’re doing is wrong.” ~ Nox369
The OP did not return with any updates, but Redditors were universal in validating the anger the OP felt.
While some said the friendship could be saved, none advised continuing the relationship with Jen unless she accepted what she did was wrong and changed her attitude toward the OP’s boyfriend.