When your siblings have a problem, are you the kind of person who has a problem too? Or do you feel you’re separate enough that their problems are their problems?
A Redditor wasn’t sure if she should warn her sister about an upcoming event. Amithea**hole7125 felt she was caught between her sister and her parents over the situation.
The original poster (OP) didn’t think she could get between this, but her sister is upset she didn’t help. OP decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what went down.
There was someone invited to a party that OP’s sister didn’t want to see.
“AITA for not telling my sister a certain guest was coming to a party?”
And it’s honestly difficult to blame her.
“My (27F[emale]) sister Angela (29F) got married back in 2019 to Harry. Our parents and Harry’s are very close and we’ve known them since we were kids.”
“Angela divorced Harry within a year of marriage because she said he was emotionally and mentally abusive, and he also cheated.”
“Our parents, especially dad tried to stop Angela divorcing because they thought she was exaggerating. They blame Angela for ruining their relationship with Harry’s family.”
“I do think parents were being too harsh on her, but I tried not to butt in and keep a neutral point of view. Angela is very low contact with our parents now, and me and her talk sometimes but it’s not regular.”
“Angela recently passed her bar exam on the first try. She told me and said to tell our parents too, which I did.”
“They were very happy for her and invited her over to their place for their anniversary party, but that they would celebrate her exam passing too and maybe try and smooth their relationship a bit.”
“Angela said no first, but then said she’ll come for the sake of family.”
“Now – I found out that mom and dad were planning on inviting Harry and his family to this party. Angela somehow found out (I think a friend or something told her), she called and asked me if it was true, that mom and dad were inviting Harry’s family.”
“I was in a genuinely tight spot, I didn’t want to lie to her but at the same time I didn’t want parents to feel as if I didn’t have their back, so I said that I haven’t heard anything about it and I don’t think so. Angela seemed satisfied with that answer and she came to this party, which was this past weekend.”
“She was pretty surprised to see Harry’s parents there and they told her that they came out of courtesy, in case Angela wanted to apologize and there was still time. Dad also said that it was water under the bridge and to just apologize. (Btw this wasn’t in front of other guests, it was in a different room).”
“Angela got really, really mad. She said she was never going to apologize for something that wasn’t her fault, and she got really mad at me. She left the party after that.”
“Angela later messaged me saying she was hurt I’d ‘betrayed’ her and it would be best if she goes no contact with all of us now. I told her I understood but I was stuck in a hard situation as well, but she didn’t want to hear it. Aita?”
“Edit: in response to some comments, Harry didn’t come to the party, just his parents were there”
OP didn’t warn her sister that Harry and his family were invited to the party. She didn’t think it was her place. But Angela is upset because she thinks her sister should have let her know.
Who is in the wrong?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for getting upset with her boyfriend and asking him to return the dress by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Angela was abused. Harry was physical and emotionally violent, and cheated on her on top of all of that. It’s no wonder she didn’t want to be around him and his family.
If OP cared about her sister at all, she would have told her sister first thing, not waited until Angela asked.
The subReddit agreed that OP was in the wrong.
“YTA. A victim of abuse should never be blindsided by being forced to face their abuser and then be bombarded by people asking her to apologize.”
“Especially when she’s already hesitant to be around your parents who cared more about their friendship with his parents than their child who was leaving an abusive marriage. This sounds like a toxic family system tbh.”
“Edit to add- Telling your sister they would be there would not have been a betrayal against your parents, it would’ve been a choice to be honest.”
“If they were planning on quietly bombarding her and she found out and chose not to go, that wouldn’t be on you; it would be your sister making a healthy choice for herself.”
“I would like to also genuinely encourage you to give yourself some space from you parents and look into toxic family roles. Let yourself live without accepting their input on things for a while.”
“You might be surprised by how much you’ve been a pawn in all of this as well. I didn’t wake up to how horrible my family was until a few months ago at 29.” – daileyidentitycrisis
“One Side: Angela, abuse victim”
“Other Side: Harry, abuser”
“OP: There are good people on both sides…” – The_Krudler
“Your sister trusted you to tell her if her literal abuser was going to be at a party and you lied to her. Point blank.”
“You seem to think she’s exaggerating the abuse as well and putting her in a situation that could really harm her mental well being. You have no idea how he treated her in their relationship because you weren’t there.”
“If she’s so adamant about not wanting to be around him then obviously he did something.”
“You are comfortable being a bystander to your parents insistence on your sister apologizing to someone who ABUSED her. That is horrible.”
“I understand wanting to not anger your parents but you are definitely the a**hole here, along side your parents.” – Onlyjori
“Honestly, even if she was exaggerating the abuse, it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t take more than ‘I don’t want to be around this person’ for people to respect that.”
“She’s 100% allowed to draw that boundary.” – Terrie-25
“YTA. OP parents are the AH. Harry and his parents are the AH.”
“You guys already shown she doesn’t mean anything to the family. OP and everyone else sided with the ex. She told you all that the ex was abusive and cheated on her but you guys didn’t believe her.”
“She went [Low contact]/[No contact] for a reason. When she tried to put everything behind her for sake of family, op and parents betrayed her again.”
“I feel very sorry for you sister. Hopefully she has more genuine people in her life who will be a real family to her.” – AaeJay83
How could the situation have gotten to this point? If Harry did such horrible things, why are OP’s parents inclined to believe Angela is exaggerating?
And if Angela isn’t exaggerating, why isn’t OP doing more to help her sister?
“Why would your sister need to apologize? And no, you weren’t stuck in a hard situation. She is the abused party, here.”
“YTA, as are your parents and Harry’s parents.”
“ETA and your father really sucks for putting friendship with Harry’s family over your sister’s happiness and safety. For shame!” – del901
“Harry’s parents think Angela ruined their/Harry’s name. My parents don’t believe mental abuse is a thing and in their words, Harry cheated on her because she wasn’t ‘satisfying’ him.”
“This is their thought process, not mine. I don’t believe she exaggerated.” – amithea**hole7125 (OP)
“Then why did you side with them? If you know your sister was the victim and that no one else was treating her fairly, why did you betray her trust?” – Speaker_of_the_Void
“When you try not to take a side you are taking a side. You and your family are awful. She should cut contract with all of you.”
“Also it always starts with mental abuse and then it ends with physical abuse. Your parents should watch dateline there are countless stories of a family like yours believing the same thing only to be shocked that the abuser ends up killing wife/husband.”
“Before I forget YTA” – catlolafat
OP should be doing more for her sister, including going out of her way to help her avoid Harry and his family.
If she doesn’t think Angela is exaggerating, then letting her parents try and trick her into meeting with them is only helping with the abuse.
If she’s lucky enough, and Angela doesn’t cut her off, OP needs to sacrifice to rebuild trust with her sister.