When entering a new relationship, it is important to have boundaries, and even more important that those boundaries are respected.
Learning whether or not your partner can respect these boundaries is a chief indicator of trust, the benchmark of any relationship.
Redditor 19onto37 learned the hard way that they recently broke the trust of their girlfriend, resulting in a rift in their relationship.
Surprised by their girlfriend’s reaction, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for holding a get together at my girlfriend’s apartment.”
The OP first revealed that their relationship was going quite well, save for one unfortunate element of their girlfriend’s work.
“I’m 19 and my girlfriend is 26.”
“The relationship is going well.”
“She’s sweet and cute and we have fun together.”
“It bums me out when when she has to travel for work, because then she’ll be gone for days and days and it just sucks.”
The OP came up with a solution as to how to temporarily quell their loneliness.
“This past Thursday, I had the idea of getting some friends together at my girlfriend’s apartment.”
“She was out of town (she usually comes back Thursday nights though) and, she gave me a key, mainly in cases of me needing to print something last minute or other quick things like that.”
“So, a few people come to the apartment, we weren’t breaking sh*t, just having a good time.”
“Because it wasn’t out of hand and because it was a few people, I didn’t give her a heads up.”
“I figured, if she comes home & there are people here, people that she knows, it’ll be fine.”
“If she comes home after they leave, cool.”
However, the OP’s girlfriend was anything but “cool” with the situation she came home to.
“She comes home, everyone else senses an eruption and leaves.”
“She called me an AH for using her apartment for, as she called it, party central, and tells me I lack maturity and respect.”
“I offered to help with the clean up, which I was going to regardless, but she kicked me out, but not before telling me I need to learn better decision-making.”
“My case to her was that, this was never going to be some wild rager with broken TVs and smashed tables, it was just a hang out.”
“I was going to clean up.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community seemed to agree with the OP’s girlfriend in that they needed to reevaluate their decision making skills, finding them to fairly clearly be the a**hole in this situation.
Many pointed out that the OP was given a key for specific reasons, and having a “get together” was not one of them.
“YTA, reread the reason on why she gave you the apartment key and see if hosting a ‘get together’ was part of that?”
“No? It wasn’t? Then there ya go.”-DTopping80.
“YTA.”
“You even state she gave you a key to use for printing something last minute and other quick things, NOT for your personal use.”
“You violated her trust and used her property without her permission.”
“It should be obvious, but get permission to use other people’s place or stuff before actually doing so.”
“It’s not that hard.”- usnmisnotwittyngham
Others were surprised that the OP didn’t at least think to ask his girlfriend’s permission before throwing the party.
“YTA this is like throwing a party at your parents when they’re out of town.”
“Come on you knew this wouldn’t go well.”
“Why wouldn’t you just ask her first?”-HPNerd44.
“YTA.”
“If you thought it wouldn’t be a problem, you would have given her a heads up.”
“You took the — it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission approach.”
“It’s juvenile.”
“It’s disrespectful.”
“You broke her trust.”
“Her apartment, IS NOT YOUR APARTMENT!”- Downtown-Trouble-71.
“YTA!”
“Did you ask permission??”
“I’d be extremely angry if someone invited people over to my home without asking me.”
“It’s a big invasion of privacy.”
“You overstepped a line and need to apologize ASAP.”-dumbeggs.
“YTA.”
“I don’t even think you need an explanation but just to say it, you should’ve asked for permission first.”
“Not everybody likes the idea of strangers in their home.”
“Even if it’s just a few.”- MooMooInTheHouse
“YTA.”
“You knew she wouldn’t approve which is why you didn’t get her permission first.”
“YTA obviously, you invited people into her apartment without asking, clear as day a**holery.”-JammyHoe.
“YTA.”
“You did not have permission to pull this bullsh*t and it was incredibly disrespectful.”-thirdtryisthecharm.
Just about everyone was in agreement that the OP clearly violated their girlfriend’s trust.
“YTA and you know it, you violated her trust, she has every right to be pissed and I hope she takes her key off you.”- bobbybuddha.
“YTA.”
“Don’t invite people over when it’s not your home.”-CrystalQueen3000.
“YTA It is HER apartment, you don’t respect your girlfriend enough to just ask her to use it?”-Mysterious_Damage708.
“YTA.”
“It’s not your space.”
“It’s hers.”
“It’s not even your shared space.”
“You need to communicate better.”-stckhmjndreddit.
“She’s right, you need to learn better decision making.”
“Having friends over if you’ve asked her and she agrees would have been fine, but it’s about trust which you broke.”
“She might not trust your friends especially while she isn’t there.”
“She’d also be responsible for any damage.”
“There’s also a lot of gradients between having a couple of friends over and the rager that you need referring to which suggests you might be underselling the get-together.”
“If you want to keep her I would apologize and accept that it was a bad decision on your part, but that you’ll learn from it and make better decisions in the future.”
“And then maybe treat her in some way or offer to clean up a few times around the apt to make it to to her.”
“Based on her response she could be considering the age / maturity difference and be reconsidering things. I’m not going to judge but you should be aware of that as a possibility.”
“YTA on this one.”-Heal_Kajata.
Do you really not realize YTA?
“Like seriously?”
“You can’t be this oblivious right? “
“You invited people over someone else’s place (who trusted you with a key) and you figured if she doesn’t find out you’re in the clear, but if she does you have a pre-populated rationalization.”
“Your GF is right, time to mature a bit.”- bigbluewcrew.
A few even wondered if the age gap between the OP and their girlfriend might get in the way of their relationship being a success, with some finding the girlfriend equally at fault for this situation.
“YTA absolutely.”
” Shocked you have to ask.”
“She is definitely right that you are immature and need to work on your decision making, but I’m not sure what she expected dating a 19 year old.”
“You guys are probably in very different points in your lives.”-og_kitten_mittens.
“YTA.”
“Also, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship like this.”-Antique-Swing-8038.
“YTA OP, I get your 19 and immature, but that’s no excuse for lacking in common sense and respect for your GF’s residence.”
“You said it yourself that she gave you a key for quick things, but nothing of the sort that you pulled in her apartment in this post.”
“Further, you never even gave her a heads up, which if you truly thought she would’ve been okay with it you would’ve asked her before you invited people over to your GF’s apartment.”
“All this being said, your GF needs to break up with you because the two of you are in separate age brackets of life that are vastly different from one another when it comes to respect, and maturity.”
“And that’s all your GF’s gonna get if she continues to be with you.”- desolation29.
“YTA, obviously.”
“But maybe this will prompt her to try dating people her own age instead of a child who throws a party while mom is out of town lol.”- barbaramillicent.
“Why is a 26 yr old woman dating a 19 yr old boy? Huge red flags.”
“She’s a working woman.”
“He’s barely out of high school.”
“What does she expect?”
“Of course he’s a kid and he’s going to behave like one.”
“ESH.”-ProfileElectronic.
“YTA.”
“I’m willing to bet OP lives with their parents and that’s why they tried to pull this nonsense.”
“I hope your girlfriend recognizes the maturity disparity between the two of you and moves on from this relationship.”- lld287.
“YTA and sh*t like this is why I don’t understand grown a** 26 year olds dating teenagers.”
“You acted like a kid left home alone by his parents for the weekend, are you not embarrassed???”- eleanor-rigby-.
“I’m gonna say ESH.”
“Obviously you’re in the wrong for inviting people over to someone else’s house without permission.”
“But she’s in her mid-20s and dating a teenager.”
“What did she expect?”-Effective-Slice-4819.
It’s often ignored how much everyone matures throughout each year of their twenties, as finding your place in the real world makes you learn far more about yourself than you do while in school.
It might be in the best interest of both the OP and their girlfriend to have a serious discussion about their relationship, and whether they’re really in a good place to be compatible with one another.
At the very least, here’s hoping the OP learns to always ask permission first from now on.